hes been texting another woman but swears he didnt cheat. been together 11 years

[TablesandChairs]

Josie - you are right, if you want this to work, there is no point in obsessing about the details because that will ultimately harm you. You have a right to ask all the questions that pop up but at this point, you can only accept his answers because you'll never know for absolute sure.

11 years is a long time and people and people make mistakes. On the other side, 11 years is too long to spend with someone who is uncommitted so you need to really find out whether his commitment, as of now, is 100%. As for his co-worker - if someone's mindset is geared towards cheating, there will always be someone else so getting rid of her does not necessarily solve the problem. You need to ensure he understands that cheating (be in physical or emotional) is not justified just because of stress or going through a hard time; that's life. Infidelity simply adds more stress, more doubt, more reasons to fight and argue.

Take some time out, just the two of you, to nut out the issues - maybe counselling is needed if he's not a very open person normally. Tell him that forgiveness isn't something you have unlimited capacity for and make it clear that if he does it again, he should do it under the assumption that you'll be out of his life for good.

[josie33]

yes i have told him that it cannot happen agen no matter how stressed we r. he said if we solve r other issues, namely communication, we shd be able to talk thru it rather than get to his point agen. he also said that he wd rather be alone than feel as low as he did before.
wd like to point out what i said earlier bout him wanting to close the door on her n not talk about her anymore. he says she isnt the issue anymore. building r relationhsip is.
one thing i didnt.mention before was that when he left he went n stayed at mum n dads - i know he did as i phoned to check later that night after worrying hed do summit stupid - he admitted he told his mum h thought he shd go to see her that night but his p' stopped him. he said he wanted someone to hold him n tell him it wd b ok then realised that night that it was the wrng thing to do n he wanted me. he says it was never about her specifically - just feeling wanted. shd i worry he thought of going to her or is that just fear that kicked in?

[michelle23]

yes i have told him that it cannot happen agen no matter how stressed we r. he said if we solve r other issues, namely communication, we shd be able to talk thru it rather than get to his point agen. he also said that he wd rather be alone than feel as low as he did before.
wd like to point out what i said earlier bout him wanting to close the door on her n not talk about her anymore. he says she isnt the issue anymore. building r relationhsip is.
one thing i didnt.mention before was that when he left he went n stayed at mum n dads - i know he did as i phoned to check later that night after worrying hed do summit stupid - he admitted he told his mum h thought he shd go to see her that night but his p' stopped him. he said he wanted someone to hold him n tell him it wd b ok then realised that night that it was the wrng thing to do n he wanted me. he says it was never about her specifically - just feeling wanted. shd i worry he thought of going to her or is that just fear that kicked in?

He needs counselling. He is still thinking it is somehow justified as he felt unwanted or unloved or low. None of that justifies it. He needs to understand that. Even if you two are going through the most awful time ever-he still has to stay strong and try to fix it or leave. Cheating is not the answer, it doesnt fix it or make anything better. It has just made everything 100 times worse. He needs to understand that there is no excuse to justify what he has done. If you are gonna trust him again and work through this then he has to realize that he crossed a line and if there are communication issues-cheating doesn't resolve that

The fact he was going to run to her that night- big red flag OP. You do need to talk about that. You need to ask him does he have feelings for her? And if you kicked him out now, would he start dating her? Those are the qs you need answered.

[josie33]

yes n he says he understands that he is just trying to think forward. is it a red flag - he says he just panicked

[Wakeup]

I don't have a fear of being cheated on. I just have strong morals and I do believe it is wrong. I know if it were me in OPs shoes-I would confront the OW. Newsflash to you WU: This is an advice forum for people to give their opinion. You are not a relationship counselor, nor am I. OP is entitled to the truth

Denial isn't a river in Eygypt. Get councelling for that fear of yourselv being cheated on again and you'll be able to give an opinion that is more geared to the actual situation at hand rather then the obession you have in your own head.

[Wakeup]

yes n he says he understands that he is just trying to think forward. is it a red flag - he says he just panicked

The fact that he confessed that to you is a big indicator that he wants it all out in the open, that he's remorseful and that he's come to the conclusion that you are who he actually wants. Not her. He could have very well lied to you and told you what he thought wouldn't hurt you or hurt his chances of reconciling this union. BUT, he didn't. He was truthful.
There is a positive to counter-weight that negative thought.

Josie: Everything that happened is a red flag as you know. What needs to be concentrated on now, is the positives that counter those red flags. The actions he is taking to show you that he knows he made a mistake and that he wants you guys to get back what you started to take for granted.

Please don't let the paranoid ramblings of someone make you become obsessed and unable to concentrate on getting yourselves back together. If councelling is going to be suggested then you both could use it to help you both learn how to communicate rather then both of you acting out.

[michelle23]

Denial isn't a river in Eygypt. Get councelling for that fear of yourselv being cheated on again and you'll be able to give an opinion that is more geared to the actual situation at hand rather then the obession you have in your own head.

You don't know me. I don't have any fear. I was cheated on once when I was 17. That is 7 years ago. I never had trust issues in any relationship since then. I am totally against cheating and have a strong opinion on it. That doesn't mean I have a fear. Anyway your mind is made up so I am not gonna justify myself to you anymore

[josie33]

so i shd be happy he wants to 'close the door on her' n deal with r issues. forget about her n stop believing it was ever about her but just needed to feel that way?

[Wakeup]

so i shd be happy he wants to 'close the door on her' n deal with r issues. forget about her n stop believing it was ever about her but just needed to feel that way?

I think you should feel free to ask questions if you don't feel satisfied but don't become obsessed with this. If you feel anything is amiss then do NOT be afraid to discuss it with him and you should let him know that he needs to feel free to do the same when he's feeling neglected or not cared for. This whole thing happened because he lacks communication skills and instead of talking to you about how he wasn't getting his emotional needs met by you, he talked to some other woman about it, allowed himself to become somewhat vulnerable to her and then thought he was having feelings for her that were just infatuation.

It's good that he wants to move on from her and what took place so that you both can concentrate on yourselves and your union but make it clear to him that this is all just coming out and you will try to move on from questions but he's going to have to be patient with you if you have more.

[michelle23]

yes n he says he understands that he is just trying to think forward. is it a red flag - he says he just panicked

OP you should concentrate on moving forward together as a team but you do need to be sure that he will NEVER do this again. Marriage IS stressful, its not a walk in the park. If you and he are committed to spending your lives together then you need to tell him that this wont be the last time you and he go through crap together. All sorts of external factors could take their tole. It happens. Someone close to one of you could die, grief is an awful thing to deal with, one of you could lose your job, financial issues take their tole, you could lose your home if the banks repossess it, you could have a baby and that means he wont get the same level of attention he is used to for awhile. You could go through a rough patch where one of you goes off sex or you could argue a lot for 6 months. I could go on and on..

Yes marriage is supposed to make you happy a lot of the time but its not always easy and you both need to realize that and stay strong for each other and patient throughout the bad times.

I'm guessing he felt he couldn't talk to you, so he talked to her. He fell into the trap (as many do) of an emotional affair. Your relationship was in the wars and he was vulnerable. He likely didn't understand what emotional affairs are and thought as long as he doesn't physically cheat it is okay but now that he does know what an EA is and how destructive they are-he needs to take steps and put boundaries in place to prevent that happening ever again. If you and he go through crap again, he needs to talk to you or his mum or a make friend or a counselor. Not another woman!

I recommend you research emotional affairs together and make it clear to him that no matter how bad things get at home-that is not the answer and he can never ever do this to you again no matter how low he feels or how much of a b**ch you are. Dont blame yourself. We are all guilty of taking crap out on the people we love sometimes. It happens. Of course its wrong to do that but cheating is not a solution. Its just adding to the problems. He either tries to fix issues with you in future or he leaves. Simple

By the way he is still talking "If we learn to communicate then it wont get to this point again" tells me that he doesnt understand ^^^ that yet. So make him understand

[Wakeup]

^^^^ Well, put. Totally unbiased and free of of paranoid rhetoric or words to manipulate her into doing what YOU would do in a rage.

[horndog]

You don't know me. I don't have any fear. I was cheated on once when I was 17. That is 7 years ago. I never had trust issues in any relationship since then. I am totally against cheating and have a strong opinion on it. That doesn't mean I have a fear. Anyway your mind is made up so I am not gonna justify myself to you anymore

You don't know me. I don't have any fear. I was cheated on once when I was 17. That is 7 years ago. I never had trust issues in any relationship since then. I am totally against cheating and have a strong opinion on it. That doesn't mean I have a fear. Anyway your mind is made up so I am not gonna justify myself to you anymore

I really don't have a dog in this argument between you and WU but that will not stop me from offering my perspective. Michelle, you are a bit over the top on some of your views on relationships to the point that you do sound obsessive and paranoid. Sometimes I read some of your comments and sit back and wonder if any man would actually want to be with you because I cant imagine them living a day with you without feeling like they need to navigate a mine field should they so much as develop friendships with females that do not include you. Being a couple does not mean that everything must be done together, even friendships. IF your BF develops a close platonic friendship with a female co-worker you would flip out and show him the door if you could not be a part of that friendship to police his activities to ensure they do not become too close in your opinion. That is obsessive and paranoid behavior. Sometimes you are so extreme I have to even ask myself if you actually have a man and if the relationship you discuss is a fantasy you created to justify and give credence to the advice you give. Your relationships just does not seem to be anything close to the realities that the rest of us live within. Perhaps you have found utopia in your relationship and if so congratulations to you and yours and may you live a long and happy life together. However, even if you have found utopia in a real relationship you need to realize that the rest of us are working on our own versions of utopia and just because something works for you and your BF does not mean it will work for everybody.

I've said it before and I will say it again. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and a knack for helping others through your advice, The problem is that you deny that you are lacking experience and don't realize that everything is not black and white. Sometimes you get in way over your head and could really benefit from learning when its best to just sit back, observe and learn something from those who have actually walked the paths they are talking about and not only have read about them on the net.

Well that's my two cents. I know you will respond in a defensive tone with denial but you would be so better off taking to heart what WU and I have told you instead of arguing. Even if you deny and call bullshit for 99% of what I just told you, you could still learn a lot from the remaining 1%.

[michelle23]

^^^^ Well, put. Totally unbiased and free of of paranoid rhetoric or words to manipulate her into doing what YOU would do in a rage.

I wasn't trying to manipulate OP or hurt anyone. I was just telling her not to sweep this under the rug, to seek the truth before deciding which action to take. Op I am not trying to make you paranoid at all. It does sound like your bf is telling the truth. You said you fear they may have kissed or more so you shouldn't let that go until you are satisfied that you are getting the truth from him.

[Wakeup]

I know you were'nt 'trying' but you were unintentionally doing just that. You gave her (IMO) very good advice in that last post geared to the situation at hand and without trying to influence her.

On Topic: While trying to be satisfied that you have gotten the truth from him, don't make that the next stage of your union or he will indeed leave, you will indeed never be able to get over this if you keep it forefront in your mind and dwell and you will continue to punish him until he won't take that punishment anymore... Neither of you will be happy. If you're going to stay and try to fix this with one another, then you cannot make "finding out the truth YOUR obsession, Josie.

Ask but don't dwell.

[michelle23]

Michelle, you are a bit over the top on some of your views on relationships to the point that you do sound obsessive and paranoid. Sometimes I read some of your comments and sit back and wonder if any man would actually want to be with you because I cant imagine them living a day with you without feeling like they need to navigate a mine field should they so much as develop friendships with females that do not include you. Being a couple does not mean that everything must be done together, even friendships. IF your BF develops a close platonic friendship with a female co-worker you would flip out and show him the door if you could not be a part of that friendship to police his activities to ensure they do not become too close in your opinion. That is obsessive and paranoid behavior. Sometimes you are so extreme I have to even ask myself if you actually have a man and if the relationship you discuss is a fantasy you created to justify and give credence to the advice you give. Your relationships just does not seem to be anything close to the realities that the rest of us live within. Perhaps you have found utopia in your relationship and if so congratulations to you and yours and may you live a long and happy life together. However, even if you have found utopia in a real relationship you need to realize that the rest of us are working on our own versions of utopia and just because something works for you and your BF does not mean it will work for everybody.

Dog you misunderstood me completely in that male/female friendships thread. I already tried to explain this to you but here we go again. My bf does work next door to a female called Fiona. She has brought him coffee numerous times and they have talked numerous times at work. Her brother Paudie is also good friends with my bf. I have absolutely no issues with these friendships. He also used to be friends with a girl called Katherine. I was also friends with her. She often called to him without me there and there other friend Gerry would be there too. I had no issues with their friendship. I was great friends with a few guys-Pa, Alan, Steve and Finch. My bf had no issues with these friendships either. The reason we had no issues is because they were purely platonic and we always put each other first. Katherine moved away so we hardly see her anymore and I still see the lads occasionally on nights out with friends.

I will tell you what I would not be comfortable with and what my bf would be uncomfortable with also. If he was texting Katherine all night every night-it would send alarm bells ringing, if he didn't want to introduce me to her and felt uncomfortable if we were both in the same place at the same time-it would send alarm bells ringing, if he wanted to meet her alone a few times a week and never invited me-it would send alarm bells ringing. I have never been jealous, insecure or paranoid, never thought that he may have feelings for her, never questioned there friendship because she became a very close friend of mine too and wanted to include me in everything. My bf also became quite close to her bf Darren and to my friend Pa. These are platonic friendships which are completely acceptable to me. When I say I disagree with men and women developing close friendships I purely mean emotional affairs. I am not going to justify this to you again dog.

I've said it before and I will say it again. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and a knack for helping others through your advice, The problem is that you deny that you are lacking experience and don't realize that everything is not black and white. Sometimes you get in way over your head and could really benefit from learning when its best to just sit back, observe and learn something from those who have actually walked the paths they are talking about and not only have read about them on the net.

I am learning dog. Many of my opinions have changed over the time I have been on this forum. I used to be totally against a lot of things. I am far more open minded now and I am trying not to be biased in my answers most of the time. I have a strong hatred for cheating as I feel it can ruin everything. A very good relationship that could have been saved can very easily be shattered by crossing that line. I am trying to educate people that there are much better ways to handle conflict and issues in a relationship. I have taken on board what you have said and I will try not to allow my emotions to take over in future when answering questions about cheating.

I will just add that I do have a great relationship that is built around honesty and trust. We are really close. We spent the whole bank holiday weekend on the couch laughing and watching horror movies just enjoying each other with our dog as he has been working over time the past two weeks and I missed him. We are saving for a holiday. We are happy. I have never made him feel like he is walking on egg shells or whatever you just said. He wouldn't still be here after 5 years and planning to propose to me if I am as bad as you think I am. I do make him happy and I trust and love him with my life