hes been texting another woman but swears he didnt cheat. been together 11 years

[horndog]

Michelle. I appreciate your response but I really don't have the time to discuss this much further with you today, butt... did you notice the common thread of all of the female friendships of your BF's that you mentioned........ its you. That's why you were ok with them. you were able to police them and mark your territory. Simple. The problem I see it is if a guy has a friendship with a female that you are not included then you automatically go down the EA road and that's just not necessary. Not everything is an EA just because you have not marked your territory with your presence.

Gotta go, have a great day.

[michelle23]

You obviously did not listen to a word I just wrote. I am not gonna justify myself to you again dog. Im sure WU agrees with what I just wrote and boundaries and she is older than you so you cannot use the excuse that I am "young and inexperienced" on this one.

I didn't police him. I have never met Fiona and he spent time with Katherine and Gerry without me being there. I have also gone out without him and bumped into Pa, Finch and Steve. I don't like Alan anymore as he is a druggie..

You have already made up your mind. Just put me on ignore coz you are the one being biased here. Goodbye

Sorry OP for derailing your thread. Best of luck to you

[josie33]

sorry to have caused all this anger.....i appreciate all ur advice. im just trying to stay focused. as much as this hurt n i cd walk away now i may regret it in 10yr time. equally i may open myself up to get hurt agen. anyway - i guess i will know. not sure how much more i can think it over

[michelle23]

Have you considered relationship counselling? 11 years is a long time. It is very difficult to deal with these situations alone, very hard to learn to trust again. Counselling could help him to learn to communicate better with you and help him understand how much he has hurt you.

He needs to realize that he cannot cross this line again and if he ever does-that is it-you are gone and your not coming back.

[josie33]

its really hard believing he didnt kiss her. he just geta annoyed if i ask now. just looks at me abit funny. hes always been a bit of smirker when i question him though. even about silly silly things. hard not to read into it.

[josie33]

so know i found out something else. he gave me permission to look at his phone anytime so i did tonght. all the messages from her r gone, that i knew. he has a friend at work hes close to -as a mother figure only tjat i do know! - n there r lots of norm txts frm her. but about 2 mnths ago he was urming n arhing about going to a work leaving do then decided not to n stayed home with me. i werent suprised as he isnt a big drinker - admits hes a total lightweight so dnt feel comfy going out on the razz n making a prat of himself. he sent his friend a text (the mother figure one) saying he wasnt going - 'i dnt want to make a decision after drinking'. i just confronted him as this is a good month bfore he told me he started meeting this other woman after wk n he said its nothing to do with her, he was talking about making a decision to leave me as he was so unhappy. now im worried he was seeing her way longer n is making excuses that he was hurt to turn this bk to me. i was working.ling shifts prior to this so wdnt have known he was later home. he says im looking for issues n clutching at straws. am i just being paranoid? he swears it

[michelle23]

If hes getting mad-hes hiding something. People dont get angry and defensive unless they are hiding something. Im sorry i dont want to upset you but if he gets mad when you ask didvhe kiss her- it prob means he did.

He should understand that you are confused, hurt and paranoid. Anyone would be in your shoes. Instead hes getting defensive and getting mad at you?

[michelle23]

Did you read all the messages from her before he deleted them? What about the ones he sent her?

[Wakeup]

If hes getting mad-hes hiding something. People dont get angry and defensive unless they are hiding something. Im sorry i dont want to upset you but if he gets mad when you ask didvhe kiss her- it prob means he did.

He should understand that you are confused, hurt and paranoid. Anyone would be in your shoes. Instead hes getting defensive and getting mad at you?

This is not true all of the time, Josie. Sometimes they just get mad because going over the same things over and over and over again becomes tiresome and frustrating. He's trying to reassure you but you keep finding more stuff that you think you shouldn't trust him over. I told you he would get mad if you make your next stage of your relationship about trying to find other things instead of concentrating on each other (while keeping your eyes open to red flag in his behaviour NOW.... not in the past.

When you ask him questions try your best to be calm about it and if he gets sounding frustrated then calmly tell him that you are trying to understand and that his calm explanations will go a whole lot further then getting angry.

If he did kiss her, would you leave him, sell the house, go your separate ways, never have anything else to do with him?

[josie33]

i just want the truth. thinking now there was only 1 week between me finishig lates n him going to meet her for what i thought was the first time.

[josie33]

he messages only went back about a week

[josie33]

what about the text frm his friend about making a decision? what about the fact i know now iy was a week after my lates? please help

[michelle23]

I would talk to the OW.

WU most people in OP's shoes would keep looking for the truth until they are sure they have it. He created this mess so hes just gonna have to deal with her qs. Like I said you don't brush something like this under the rug and just draw a line.

She will keep searching for answers until she gets them. If he gets mad and walks out so be it. He was never hers to begin with if he does that.

All of this is still raw. You only just found out. You cant just forget it and move on.

[horndog]

I would talk to the OW.

WU most people in OP's shoes would keep looking for the truth until they are sure they have it. He created this mess so hes just gonna have to deal with her qs. Like I said you don't brush something like this under the rug and just draw a line.

She will keep searching for answers until she gets them. If he gets mad and walks out so be it. He was never hers to begin with if he does that.

All of this is still raw. You only just found out. You cant just forget it and move on.

Talking to the other woman is horrible advice and will not contribute to a productive resolution to this problem. The OP can seek the truth all she wants but most people who keep seeking are never satisfied until they find what they "want to find" whether it is the truth or not. The bottom line is simple. If the OP wants to stay with this man then she needs to start believing him at face value what he is telling her and give up the "hunt for the truth" unless his behavior from this point forward tells her she should seek otherwise. If she is unable to do this and move forward then she should consider options in her life that do not include this man. Its not fair to either one of them to be in a relationship lacking trust or with one partner always feeling like they have to prove they are doing the right things.

If you move forward with your man what he has done becomes the past and you need to quit dwelling on it. Its ok to remember what he did but not hold it against him for the rest of his life with you. What do you really think would be accomplished by talking to the other woman anyway? Do you really think the Other woman will just open up and spill the beans in a truthful manner anyway? Heck, if she still has feelings for your man she is more likely to make shit up to make it sound like they had more going on just to get you to leave him so she can have him all to herself. You could essentially be playing matchmaker by talking to her.

[michelle23]

She is too close to him. She wants to believe everything he is telling her. I feel it is easier to tell when a stranger is lying than someone you love. That is why I would approach her. I would just want to hear her side. Ask to see her texts. I wouldn't confront her and go crazy. Its not her fault. Its his. I would just ask her woman to woman to please be honest with me.

I am not saying she should hold it against him forever. She found out about this four days ago. She has every right to ask questions. It would be different if it was 3 months ago and the issue was still unresolved and she still didn't believe him or trust him. Then I would say leave. But right now it is almost impossible to just say okay hes telling the truth and let it go.

You are all making it out as if this is her fault. WTF? As if she has no right to question him. After 11 years-she has every right to talk about this and ask all the qs and he has no right to get mad at her for that. He brought another woman between them-not her.

As if anyone could just let this go and move on as if nothing has happened. That is exactly why I would leave. I couldn't stay with all these doubts and unanswered QS.
Many couples could spend 12 months in counselling after this. Its not something that you "get over" and telling her to believe him and let it go is bad advice IMO. Coz even if she tries to do that-she wont be able to.

Her last post was at 6:02am England time. She aint sleeping, probably not eating, confused, hurt, shocked. Telling her to let it go is stupid and unproductive coz its ALL she can think about