hes been texting another woman but swears he didnt cheat. been together 11 years

[horndog]

You are all making it out as if this is her fault. WTF? As if she has no right to question him. After 11 years-she has every right to talk about this and ask all the qs and he has no right to get mad at her for that. He brought another woman between them-not her.

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Of course its not her fault, where the hell did you get that? but if you think the OP is better off taking the word of the mistress over a man she has known for 11 years then more power to ya, Im just saying she aint gonna like what she hears and there is no way to know if its the truth.

[michelle23]

Because you are telling her not to talk about it anymore, to just trust what he is saying and let it go. As if that is even possible. Have you ever been in OPs shoes? You cant just let it go even if you want to. It goes round and round and round in your head.

There is no way to know if he is telling the truth either. But at least she can compare both stories. If they are very similar and she gets a few extra details off OW that shes not getting from him then I would believe her. Plus texts don't lie. Why would she delete her texts? She probably still has them on her phone.

And she doesn't sound malicious to me. If she was she would be making his life difficult now but by the sounds of it shes not. What reason would she have to lie to OP. He has a reason to lie coz he is scared he will lose her if she finds out whatever it is he is hiding (if he is hiding something). But OW has nothing to lose.

Op has only seen a weeks worth of texts but there is at least a month that she hasn't seen.

There was a man here a few months ago. His partner had an EA two years ago. He had completely fallen out of love with her during the past two years, was miserable with no trust. Then he found out there was more. She did sleep with the other man. Two years of lies! Plus they had a new baby in that time. Not saying this to make OP paranoid. But people are capable of lying for a LONG time. She wouldn't admit it until he interrogated her for ages and searched through her old phone.

Here OP: http://www.blifaloo.com/info/lies.php

Another thing you could do is sneak into her office and take her phone lol. Check pictures and texts as well as call log. Call me crazy I dont care. Most people would go nuts if they found out their partner of so long had betrayed them. I know I would

[horndog]

Because you are telling her not to talk about it anymore, to just trust what he is saying and let it go. As if that is even possible. Have you ever been in OPs shoes? You cant just let it go even if you want to. It goes round and round and round in your head.

Michelle, put your reading glasses on. I never said she should not talk about what happened, I just said talking to the mistress based upon your advice is a horrible idea. She can talk all day long to her man about it if she wants but what I said is that sooner or later she needs to start believing him and moving on if she wants to have a future with him. Dwelling on the past does nothing to help the situation and talking to the mistress will do even less.

The bottom line is simple. The OP can do whatever she feels is necessary to move on. Its her choice. I however feel the option you are providing will not help the situation but only make it worse and muddy the situation with information that there is no way to verify. It simply becomes a He said / she said situation. Its just not productive.

Anyway, once again I find that arguing with you and your paranoia is not worth my time. Have a great day!

[michelle23]

You do realize by calling her "the mistress" you are saying that he is guilty as sin right?

Again she has no reason to lie. I would rather take action than sit at home wondering what if for days or weeks or months.

I think the things he said to OW-the texts are all the proof OP needs. "Lets take things slow" and "I have never felt this way before". Op it is your choice what you do but for me those two texts would be enough for me to leave, sell the house and move on.

Oh and dog if you don't want to debate with me-then stop responding to me and I will stop responding to you. You only read what you want to read in my posts-what suits you so why don't you put your reading glasses on. Each time I answer your accusations and explain myself-you nit pick and find something else you can use against me. Grow up

[Wakeup]

You do realize by calling her "the mistress" you are saying that he is guilty as sin right?

Again she has no reason to lie. I would rather take action than sit at home wondering what if for days or weeks or months.

I think the things he said to OW-the texts are all the proof OP needs. "Lets take things slow" and "I have never felt this way before". Op it is your choice what you do but for me those two texts would be enough for me to leave, sell the house and move on.

Oh and dog if you don't want to debate with me-then stop responding to me and I will stop responding to you. You only read what you want to read in my posts-what suits you so why don't you put your reading glasses on. Each time I answer your accusations and explain myself-you nit pick and find something else you can use against me. Grow up

That's fine, once again that is what you would rather do. Stop projecting.

[Wakeup]

Josie: Don't come here to this thread anymore is my advise at this point. You are getting all worked up from the things that manipulate a woman who is already made scared. What Michelle would do and what you should do are two completely different things and if you're going to listen to anyone, then listen to a professional councellor and get his/her advise on your behaviour now that you've found this out and his behaviour prior to you finding this out.

Listening to any of us any further is NOT helping you in the least. You are becoming your own worst enemy by doing what you're doing. Either you want this to work out with him and you go forward (not back, not snooping, not talking to the other woman who, if you trust her word on this more then your husband, then there is definately more of a problem then we could ever help you with) or you cannont move forward and just break up with him now because there is no sense you prolonging it while you suffer and he suffers. Call a lawyer and then call a realtor and get it done now if you continue on the way you currently are.

Again.. evidently nothing said here is helping you at this point.

[michelle23]

That's fine, once again that is what you would rather do. Stop projecting.

Im not projecting. I am simply stating a fact. No matter how hard she tries to move forward she wont be able to until her QS are answered and they may never be.

[Wakeup]

I'll add that you are suppose to be going on a "get back the focus on one another date" this weekend. Just how great of a date is that going to be if all you have in your head is your fear and mistrust? Everyone knows it will take you some time and proof from him that he values and needs you in his life and reading all this mis-matched advise from people you don't even know isn't helping you get to that point of calm love and trust.

[michelle23]

I suggest you read this to him OP http://www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/spouse_won't_discuss.htm and tell him you want and need the full truth from start to finish. I would just ask him to explain what happened from the moment the affair started until it ended and dont stop talking until he has told you everything. Then you can decide what action to take. Watch his body language. Can he look you in the eyes when he speaks? Are his palms open and facing you or closed off? Palms facing out=truth. Does he cross his legs? Fold his arms?=lies.

[Wakeup]

Read the article and form your own conclusions, Josie. Don't form them based on what others would do or see or conclude. Print it out and discuss it with HIM. Not the other woman.Last time he told you the truth Re: That he was going to go to her but instead his parents talked him out of it, you got even more scared. If you want the truth, then you're going to have to be able to accept it, process it and then let it go. And while you're doing that, don't take into account words like "he was going to go to her that means he's just with you because you're familiar" or the like. You either want the truth or you don't and you thank him for being truthful.

He doesn't know how to fix this anymore then you do, OP You need help and when you were advised to get councelling or read books, you were then told to not waste your money now your being advised exactly what you were advised way back on page one.

Now.. that is a good article (religious undertones aside ~ if you are religious then by all means talk to your minister) so read it, print it out... find more and discuss it/tham with YOUR BOYFRIEND.

Be proactive instead of scared and reading what WE have to say. This is your's and his life. Discuss this article with HIM. so that he knows that you wanting him to discuss everything means you can handle what he says.

[michelle23]

I agree-once you get the truth-thank him for being honest and then ask for more. Stay calm until you know EVERYTHING. Then you may need some time out to think. It is perfectly okay for you to leave for a few days IF you want to so you can process all this information and decide what you are going to do next. You are in control here Josie. It is up to you whether you are going to work on your relationship or not. Don't forget that. You have been betrayed so you can call the shots for now. Do whatever makes YOU feel better. Do what you need to do. He will have to be patient with you. It is a lot to get your head around.

Here is another article that you may find helpful: http://www.emotionalaffair.org/affair-recovery-and-the-7-stages-of-grief/

And here is another: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=493625

[Wakeup]

I agree-once you get the truth-thank him for being honest and then ask for more. Stay calm until you know EVERYTHING. Then you may need some time out to think. It is perfectly okay for you to leave for a few days IF you want to so you can process all this information and decide what you are going to do next. You are in control here Josie. It is up to you whether you are going to work on your relationship or not. Don't forget that. You have been betrayed so you can call the shots for now. Do whatever makes YOU feel better. Do what you need to do. He will have to be patient with you. It is a lot to get your head around.

Here is another article that you may find helpful: http://www.emotionalaffair.org/affair-recovery-and-the-7-stages-of-grief/

And here is another: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=493625

It is not, imo okay for you to leave for a couple of days at this point. You told him to leave already, which he did and now you've allowed him back. For you to leave now, (after discussing and him (hopefully) giving you full and open communication/details) will only reinforce it in his head that he is better off not telling you the whole truth because you can't handle it nor can you remain neutral at least to the point of keeping the two of you working on the union.

This isn't about who is in control and who isn't? This is about two people who are, currently anyway, trying to reconcile his and her past actions as a couple. Only the future and how much they both want this to work (as a team) will tell how this turns out.

Good luck, josie.

[michelle23]

Whilsy i agree with that-i think if josie wants time out to think and clear her head-perhaps a holiday alone-then there is nothing wrong with that.

Again you are in shock right now and you cant really even begin to face this until that shock and denial wears off.

I didnt mean in control of the relationship-i meant in control of your life and what happens next

[Wakeup]

... a "holiday alone" is much different then "leave for a few days" and yes, I too think that if you feel strong enough to go on a "holiday alone" while telling him that it's just to process everything then it wouldn't be counter productive to you healing this disconnect.

"it is up to you whether you are going to work on your relationship or not" is different then" I mean in control of her life and what happens next."

Michelle... I usually always agree with your explanations of what you meant... rather then what you originally said.

[michelle23]

Well sorry i wasnt more clear. I did mean get away for a few days-maybe to spain-that is what i would do to process everything and be in a clearer frame of mind before dealing with this. Id also put the holiday on his credit card but im spiteful when crossed so ignore that

And being in control of her life is making the next decision "should i stay or should i go" but she shouldnt make that decision yet-not while shes in shock and still has unanswered QS.