hes been texting another woman but swears he didnt cheat. been together 11 years

[josie33]

about 4 weeks ago bf who i been wiv 11years said he was meeting friend after work so wd be later than usual. got bk n said hed been helping her for an exam coming up. two weeks later he said he was meeting her for coffee after work as she had a few probs n was a friend. we have been having issues ourselves mind. things arent what they use to be. we brought a house together a year back n its been tough. anyway, this week he meets her again n i ask a few questions. he got a bit defensive. when i asked if he txt her n he said yes. i asked what they talked about n he got funny. eventually after i insisted he showed me texts which he said 'ive never felt this way before' 'we need to take it slow'. he swears blind he hasnt cheated. as we were having probs n been together since we were 16 he liked the attention n when she wanted to kiss he cdnt do it. i told him to leave. today he returned n he is sorry. in pieces. said he dont know why he did it other than he felt we had drifted at home. do i believe him? i dnt hink he actually did anything but is he texts enough to end it?

[Jffs24]

Why was she wanting to kiss him she obviously knows about you, or doesn't he tell her about you?
Maybe he told her you are on the rocks and she wants him and he let her think he is about to be free? Talk to her, her number is on the texts, see what she says, or ask him not to see her and see how he reacts.
IDK what he did or didn't do, he will lie to you if he ****ed her anyhow. She might tell ya the truth.

[michelle23]

Its possible this was/is an emotional affair. Perhaps he didnt cross the line and physically cheat YET but he was heading for it. The fact he has met her alone should be enough to end it. There is a huge possibility he did kiss her or more and hes not gonna tell you the truth if he did. This would be enough for me to end it.. His excuse you drifted apart is not good enough. He should have tried to fix things with you or gone to couples counselling or left. Instead he went to her with all his problems, developed feelings and likely lining up a plan B or a rebound. Cowards way out.

if you do want to try and work things out you gotta make him pay first and i mean BIG time. Make him work his f**king ass off for you. Show him your not a doormat, make him think he has lost you. Let him suffer. That way if you get back together he will never take you for granted again. Make him suffer and experience life without you for at least 3months, date others during this time. Then if hes still begging-go for couples counselling, start all over again and date him-very slowly at your pace and stay in control.

I would just end it now. He has proved he is weak.. That would be enough for me. All trust and respect would be gone plus you will never no the full story or the full truth. Hes gonna lie

[michelle23]

Ill add you should use this time apart to test him. Change the locks, block him from your phone, ignore him. See if he runs to her.

[Wakeup]

Tell him next time he feels "it's drifted at home" that he talk to you about it and you can at least have the opportunity to remedy what he feels is missing there. If you're going to stay with him then you both need to communicate whats going on in your head and then work TOGETHER to resolve it.

Has he told you he'll cut out all this after work meeting up with her, texting her and hanging out with her at work?
Why didn't you tell him you'd like to go along with him when he met her for coffee? Goodness sakes it's not right for him to being having hook ups and "dates" with another girl without you there. This isn't some friend he's had since he was in grade 3 and who you have also become friends with?

Don't be afraid to tell him that you think certain things he had done (or about to do in the furture) are inappropriate and disrespectful to you and your relationship.You didn't tell him you didn't want him meeting her at all?

Anyway... If he already thinks that things were "off at home" then I doubt very much that you acting like your his mother and punishing him like he's a little boy will resolve your inability to trust him now so why get involved with even more negativity in your union? JMNSHO.

If you can afford marriage councelling then I'd ask him to go with you. If you can't, then you might try reading together the book "Getting The Love You Want" by Norville Hendrix. There are several other titles on relationships and coming back from something like this that will also help the two of you get back on track... as long as the both of you want the same thing in the end, which I'm presuming is to remain together, happily.

[smackie9]

11 years you are not married yet? Strike one. You been together since you were 16, so no experience with dating others, that's strike two. He's been having an emotional affair (that's still cheating), strike three.

I have to say he can't help the way he feels for this co-worker, your relationship is stagnant, and the only reason he comes crawling back is because he is suffering from separation anxiety. He has never been without you and it's a shock to his system.

Take a step back and review your relationship, the way it was, the way it has been for the last few years and what goals are planned for the future. You need to ask yourself some very honestly blunt questions about where things truly stand. This just might be a realization that your relationship is dead already and you two have been in limbo.

Give yourself some time to think, go over everything and see if it is time to move on or at least get some counseling together and hash it out that way to make sure your decision is the right one.

[josie33]

hey thanks for ur answer, yes she does know about me. she mentioned me in one if the texts

[josie33]

yes he told me he wnt see or txt her again. he has also told her. she responded which he showed me saying 'its my fault'. i did tell him it was inapprpriate n asked to meet her which is how i knew something was up.

[michelle23]

What are you gonna do about it. The fact he said to her "lets take things slow" means that he knew exactly what he was doing.

A lot of the time when someone has an EA they go into denial and pretend its all innocent and "were jus friends" but he knew he was crossing a line and did nothing to stop it until he was caught.

[josie33]

he said he just got caught up in it n when she wanted to kiss he cdnt do it. he wanted me to know because he cdnt go on with it. he says he wants me, but happy like we used to be otherwise we break up. either way he dnt want her.

[josie33]

how will he make this up to me? what can he do?

[TablesandChairs]

So unless things are all happy and sweet, he goes elsewhere? Newsflash - long term relationships aren't all peaches and cream. You have good days, bad days - smooth periods, rough patches. You work through these as best as you can. If he's started looking elsewhere (and make no mistake, those texts were him trying something with someone else) then it's obvious that fixing things between you two is not a priority. The only thing he has managed to do is make things even worse.

You've been with him so maybe you'll forgive him...but keep your eyes open.

[j-white]

11 years and no marriage, is this a conscious decision by the both of you, I'm not saying everybody should get married but has this subject ever came up?

I was in a 9year relationship and never proposed because while I loved her a hell of a lot, she was a wonderful person but she wasn't very tidy (I am and don't wish to do everything myself) or maternal (I wanted kids).
I basically ended up having an emotional affair and then eventually split up with her when I met another woman, which ended as just a fling, karma! It was cowardly and I wasted her time but she's with a great guy more suited to her which is good

I'm saying all of this because while I don't know all of the details it just feels very familiar when I read what you've written.
If you really want to make this work I think you need to find out exactly how you've 'drifted'. Find out what he was looking for from this woman that he doesn't get from you.
Does he work with this woman?

[Wakeup]

he said he just got caught up in it n when she wanted to kiss he cdnt do it. he wanted me to know because he cdnt go on with it. he says he wants me, but happy like we used to be otherwise we break up. either way he dnt want her.

Then talk to someone about couples councelling or get to your local libraray and take out some books on how to help your relationship survive after an emotional affair. Google it if you don't have access to a book store or a library and educate yourself. Get doing things together that will get your emotional connection back with him and he with you.

If you just take him back and expect things to be fixed, then this will happen again. Talk to him about what he thought was missing at home and ask him to come up with a strategy that will help you bond with more passion.

I'm sorry, did you say you have children? You say you bought a house together last year and "its been tough" What has been "tough" about it?

[josie33]

yes he works for the same company as her but not in the same building since last week afer a business shuffle. we dnt have children. n we havent got married because we cdnt afford too! things have been difficult mainly as i hate my job v.much n its very stressful. i started the job just before we brought house. admittedly i have been a nightmare at times. snappy n rude n am sarcastic alot. i have been trying to get a new job for 1 year. when im moody i snap at him about little thngs n regrt it but stubbonly rarely apologise.