Guys: Explain the mindset behind guys doing this...

[namemyname]

Last FRI, I was telling him that maybe I needed to find a guy who was physically different than my normal type.

So, this morning, 7AM, he texts me asking if I met my (physical description) dream man this weekend?

WTF. I feel like he's toying with me.

[Wakeup]

To me, if I were her, and some guy flew out of state to meet me and "date" me, I'd be pretty pissed to find out while I was at work, he was texting some chick back home for 9 hours a day that he never met, but plans to.

Begs the question why you are even replying to him then?

[namemyname]

Begs the question why you are even replying to him then?

Same reason as he is, I suppose. Interest.

But, I'm no longer responding, as of today. If he wants to show up single, then we can chat. Otherwise, I'm not doing this with him.

[Wakeup]

Same reason as he is, I suppose. Interest.

But you said you'd be pissed off if you were his gf and he was chatting another girl up like he is you. That is a personal boundary that you are letting him cross by entertaining his shallow and superficial attention.

But, I'm no longer responding, as of today. If he wants to show up single, then we can chat. Otherwise, I'm not doing this with him.

Sounds like a good plan to me.

[horndog]

This is how it works with guys.....if they come across someone more attractive, they ditch the other stuff to get at the better stuff. He is fishin to see if he has a got at you by down playing this other relationship he is in. It's a no brainer.

That's one stupid ass comment.

[namemyname]

But you said you'd be pissed off if you were his gf and he was chatting another girl up like he is you. That is a personal boundary that you are letting him cross by entertaining his shallow and superficial attention.

Sounds like a good plan to me.

Well, he told me initially when we were supposed to meet for our sport that she knew we were meeting, and it was no big deal. So, he's been trying to position me as a "friend".

I don't know if I'd call it superficial or shallow attention. lol Maybe it will grow into something more, maybe just friendship, or maybe it will die out. But, isn't this what getting to know someone is all about??

That's one stupid ass comment.

I think she meant single guys, not married.

[Wakeup]

Well, he told me initially when we were supposed to meet for our sport that she knew we were meeting, and it was no big deal. So, he's been trying to position me as a "friend".

I'd not become a new friend to a guy that didn't immediately introduce me to his partner. Mileage varies, obviously but becoming new friends with a member of the opposite sex is a fundamental relationship boundary cross that we as a couple, don't engage in.

I don't know if I'd call it superficial or shallow attention. lol Maybe it will grow into something more, maybe just friendship, or maybe it will die out. But, isn't this what getting to know someone is all about??

and this is the very attitude by "some" people why we don't get involved with new relationship of the opposite sex. He's in a relationship... he's in a relationship, he's not open or available to get to know you more... anything while hes in a realationship is superficial and very, very likely on the down-low.

All, in our world, is not fair in love and war.

[namemyname]

I'd not become a new friend to a guy that didn't immediately introduce me to his partner. Mileage varies, obviously but becoming new friends with a member of the opposite sex is a fundamental relationship boundary cross that we as a couple, don't engage in.

and this is the very attitude by "some" people why we don't get involved with new relationship of the opposite sex. He's in a relationship... he's in a relationship, he's not open or available to get to know you more... anything while hes in a realationship is superficial and very, very likely on the down-low.

All, in our world, is not fair in love and war.

Not exactly accurate.

I had no option to meet her, as she lives out of state. He told me about her up front, though, and said she was aware we were going to meet. So, nothing shady there at all.

You're making this out like he's engaged or something and I'm the other woman. He met her two months ago online, and this is the first time they've met in person. He told me initially he wasn't really into the long distance thing, and all I know, is that he's already backing off of being with her, and questioning how it's going to move forward at all.

I'm not sure what you expect, Wakeup. If he's seeing someone out of state, not desirable for him, and then he meets someone else who strikes his interest and is local, what's he supposed to do? Dump her and fly home immediately to meet me?

I think Smackie has it down. Yes, I think he likes me, but, as he said right off, he wasn't finding someone locally, so she was it. All of this with her occurred well before I showed up on the scene. He's a long-term relationship/marriage guy, and people like him simply don't like to be alone, even if all they can find is something that does leave them quite alone most of the time. lol He has told me flat out he wants to get married again, so, like Smackie said, I think he's looking for a steady gf, and someone he can see daily, not every few months.

Our interaction has not been shallow nor superficial. It's been really nice getting to you know stuff, actually, on a lot of topics.

I think he's in a tough spot, which by default, has put me in a tough spot. I am seriously dropping our engagement level, and when he gets home, if we meet, then he'll need to make some decisions.

[namemyname]

Wake Up - you'll be pleased to know I told him today I didn't want to continue to communicate further while he was seeing someone.

So, now if he winds up single, he'll know how to reach me, and if not, then I hope he is happy.

[okwhat2013]

Umm, honestly it sounds fun and exciting. Doesn't sound like either is really in a serious relationship, but hell just meet in person. Nobody texts that much if not interested.

[michelle23]

? What is that I want to hear? lol I've not asked him for validation or compliments. I've not even brought up this girl or their relationship. So, not sure why you think he's giving me lines.

I agree you need to meet someone to assess fully, of course, but I don't think I was saying I was leaving my husband for him.

its typical cheater Bullcrap.. Oh im seeing someone but it aint serious-could mean im married with a baby on the way. Or oh my gf is a b**ch-she beats me and we havnt had sex for 6months.. So umm y the f**k are you still there? Y you seeing a girl youve apparantly got little interest in?

Its all a load of crap. I wouldnt trust him. Sorry but talk to single guys. Its not like hes been on two dates with her. Hes been seeing her for awhile. A month and its relationship teritory. Hes not a teenager-hes a grown man. If hes looking for love and a relationship then he wouldnt easte so much time on her if hes not that into her. He is just telling you what you wana hear

[namemyname]

Umm, honestly it sounds fun and exciting. Doesn't sound like either is really in a serious relationship, but hell just meet in person. Nobody texts that much if not interested.

Well, thanks for being the first guy to respond on the ask a guy forum.

I asked one of my dude friends, and he said pretty much the same thing. That this guy is definitely interested, but also in a tough spot. He said that he'll finish out his tour with this girl, and may, or may not, try and see me when he gets home.

If nothing else, he knows I'm a bit more boundaried, and that I wasn't entirely cool with the amount of our communication. 900+ texts in a week? Please. He can kid himself what that meant, but I sure wouldn't.

I really don't know what else he could have done, do you? What do you do as a guy, and you've gone to meet some chick for the first time that you had been emailing for two months, but were never into the long distance thing to begin with, and then while you're there, a woman that totally fits your bill and lives locally pops up?

It's not like I'd expect him to fly home to meet me and drop her cold.

I guess you do what he did. Feel it out, and then back off when told to.

[namemyname]

its typical cheater Bullcrap.. Oh im seeing someone but it aint serious-could mean im married with a baby on the way. Or oh my gf is a b**ch-she beats me and we havnt had sex for 6months.. So umm y the f**k are you still there? Y you seeing a girl youve apparantly got little interest in?

Its all a load of crap. I wouldnt trust him. Sorry but talk to single guys. Its not like hes been on two dates with her. Hes been seeing her for awhile. A month and its relationship teritory. Hes not a teenager-hes a grown man. If hes looking for love and a relationship then he wouldnt easte so much time on her if hes not that into her. He is just telling you what you wana hear

Well, it is like he just met her for the first time, though. He hasn't been seeing her for a while. Emailed a few months, just met. I don't know how serious you can call a first few dates?

And you do realize we didn't really start communicating until he got there, right?

I get the feeling she was Ms. Right Now, not Ms. Right. He told me up front that he couldn't find anyone locally, so this is how it developed. Some people (I'm not one of them) can stand to be alone and not in a relationship or SOME kind of connection. He's definitely one of them.

[michelle23]

Well thats not good. If hes the type to settle out of fear of being alone then how do you know he wont lettle for you and then wait for someone better to come along? Which is what hes doing with her. You cant trust tsomeone like that.

If your looking for a serious relationship find a guy whos 100% single and has been single for awhile-because he chose to be-nit coz hes insecure and afraid to make a move

[Wakeup]

Wake Up - you'll be pleased to know I told him today I didn't want to continue to communicate further while he was seeing someone.

So, now if he winds up single, he'll know how to reach me, and if not, then I hope he is happy.

Impressed! Curious, did he respond to that and if so what did he say?

FWIW: I think that in in YOUR own best interests. Until he dumps the long distance chick... you'll just be one of his (as far as you know) two woman dating tag team lol .

Great attitude about it too, btw:

Just one more thing (to keep it real) you don't know him except for words (on screen) without actions showing you that they are the truth. Don't believe everything hes told you until (if?) you meet and his actions have matched his words.

Good luck..