Guys: Explain the mindset behind guys doing this...

[namemyname]

The guy is just caught between two women he really likes lol. He can't help himself, so stop acting like it's a crime. I can see it being bad if he was sleeping with both of them being a player but really nothing has happened except conversations about random things. I doubt he is tying to manipulate, I think he is just being honest and wants to express it....probably hoping it will help him make his decision. So people don't think on the lines of "manipulation, or don't even realize it is what they are doing....he is just following his heart so to speak.

Once he is back, he will just have to deside that is all.....no biggie. I find it quite interesting....let just wait and see how this plays out.

Ya, thanks, Smackie. I don't know why everyone thinks he's such a pig.

Our conversations where not inappropriate - we weren't sexting, talking about what we'd do to each other, and he never said anything disparaging about this girl.

The situation is exactly as slipsonic detailed. He spoke with her for 2 months, the day he flies there to visit for the first time, he meets me, and we click. Oh, shit. So, here he is, visiting a girl he wanted to explore something with, and then being lured by someone back home that has his interest as well. He's not staying with her, and they aren't seeing each other every day. Its not some big, hot, committed, exclusive, serious relationship, like some here are trying to make out.

Like you said earlier, Smackie, he would prefer a local GF, and I have now presented myself as a (better) option.

Still, he's not an asshole, and he's not going to walk out on her, like Slipsonic said. Similarly, hes not going to come hard at me, because that looks bad, too.

I told him yesterday I didn't want to talk anymore, and he respected that. But, I think the text today was him trying to see if I had closed the door forever, or if theres a chance when he gets home. That's why I said so long as hes there, no talky. I did add later that I wished things were different, as I did want to let him know Im not exactly over the idea of pursuing this.

As my guy friend said, we're putting each other on simmer right now. He HAS to finish out his week there, as he's meeting other people and doing other things besides being with her. But, he also knows Im dating, so Im sure hes thinking he doesn't want to possible lose me while hes there.

Yes, Smackie, all I can do, and will do, is wait to see what happens when he gets home. I think he now knows my boundaries with this, and that he has to come home, tell me hes cut her loose, and then its game on. Or, he might not do that at all (though I seriously doubt it, really).

[Wakeup]

Nothing at all - YOU said he was a manipulative douche, not me.

Yes, And, I still think he is (whether intentional or not). Not sure what your point was, name?

It's funny - I posted this on the guy section, only had two guys respond, and it was for a reason. The women advice like women, and the men are more in tune with the male mindset.

whether from a woman or a man, nothing is 100% accurate unless we all get in his brain and he's truthful. I'm old, I've read and seen it all and I know that most men have a much easier time with non-exclusivity then most woman do.

Sorry, but you're really wrong on this - entirely so, actually.

Everything I said is how it all comes across to me. We're all... all of us 'wrong' until proven otherwise. Or... we are all right until proven otherwise by his actions and the end result. All of this is speculation, Name. Mines just not adding up the way you hope it will in the end is all.

I told you I hope it goes your way. I still do. Just go in thinking about everything you've read as being a possibility is all I'm getting at. BTW: I don't think he's a "pig" at all. I said I thought he was a manipulative douche. If I thought he was a pig, i'd have called him that. lol

He's not staying with her, and they aren't seeing each other every day. Its not some big, hot, committed, exclusive, serious relationship, like some here are trying to make out.

how do you even know any of that? His words on a screen? See this is why I say what I am saying. You believe before you even know him.

Yes, Smackie, all I can do, and will do, is wait to see what happens when he gets home. I think he now knows my boundaries with this, and that he has to come home, tell me hes cut her loose, and then its game on.

As I said two pages back: I think that is a good plan. In the meantime, keep your thoughts on reality. You have had some texts, you don't know him and if you want exclusivity, then I guess you have to make sure he's not still entertaining Miss long distance. That's the jist of it all IMO.

[michelle23]

Lol so coz we are women-we dont have a clue how some guys think and work? Your not looking for advice-your looking for people to tell you what you wana hear and validation that hes not a DB.

Okay if thats all you want-go ahead, text him back, meet up with him, be 1 of 2. Let us know how it goes. Tell the other girl hello from us all here at loveforum-maybe you lot can have a threesome and post it here for us all to read

piece out

[namemyname]

Smackie his actions dont match his words at all

words: im the relationship type, looking for something serious, wana settle down.

Actions: in some stupid ldr with a girl hes prob shagging right now who he apparantly cant make up his mind about whilst making other plans with OP for when he comes home.

If anything in his words were true then he would never even consider long distance for a start and he wouldnt be telling both women what they wana hear

That's what YOU'RE hearing, because it suits your narrative.

His words: I was really, really against the long distance thing, as I'm not built for them as I prefer to be in a relationship with someone I can see someone daily, but I couldn't find anyone locally, so Ill see how it goes. I don't know, though, I really don't see how it can go anywhere with the distance...

Actions - how do YOU know what hes doing??? You have no idea. You don't know if theyre sleeping together, or if hes made up his mind, and hes not making any plans with me. Again, all factual untrue, Michelle.

Seriously, what would you expect him to do?? He has business and other people he's committed to see while he's there. Should he just tell everyone that he's been chatting with a woman back home that he wants to go and meet??

And as for him getting stuck in this...you've NEVER gotten into something that seemed like an OK idea and then wasn't? He just MET her FFS.

[namemyname]

Lol so coz we are women-we dont have a clue how some guys think and work? Your not looking for advice-your looking for people to tell you what you wana hear and validation that hes not a DB.

Okay if thats all you want-go ahead, text him back, meet up with him, be 1 of 2. Let us know how it goes. Tell the other girl hello from us all here at loveforum-maybe you lot can have a threesome and post it here for us all to read

piece out

Nope. I posted this purposely on the guy forum, as I wanted to hear the MALE mindset. I knew women would respond pretty much like you, which is not helpful.

[Wakeup]

*snipped* since you were'nt addressing me.

[namemyname]

Yes, And, I still think he is (whether intentional or not). Not sure what your point was, name?

whether from a woman or a man, nothing is 100% accurate unless we all get in his brain and he's truthful. I'm old, I've read and seen it all and I know that most men have a much easier time with non-exclusivity then most woman do.

Everything I said is how it all comes across to me. We're all... all of us 'wrong' until proven otherwise. Or... we are all right until proven otherwise by his actions and the end result. All of this is speculation, Name. Mines just not adding up the way you hope it will in the end is all.

I told you I hope it goes your way. I still do. Just go in thinking about everything you've read as being a possibility is all I'm getting at. BTW: I don't think he's a "pig" at all. I said I thought he was a manipulative douche. If I thought he was a pig, i'd have called him that. lol

how do you even know any of that? His words on a screen? See this is why I say what I am saying. You believe before you even know him.

As I said two pages back: I think that is a good plan. In the meantime, keep your thoughts on reality. You have had some texts, you don't know him and if you want exclusivity, then I guess you have to make sure he's not still entertaining Miss long distance. That's the jist of it all IMO.

I don't either. lol You said he was a manipulative douche - I was just saying I don't agree.

And I know about the status of their "relationship", because she's been posting the same stuff. About how often they see each other, she's even talked about what they've done on dates, which don't last all day and night, even on the weekend. It's strange because we think since he flew there, it's something hot and heavy, but he's staying in a hotel, and they seem to be treating it like dating if you were in the same city - few times a week, maybe an overnight here and there...

Oh, I agree with LD girl. She's got to be out of the picture entirely before I would date him, but I think I've kinda let him know that.

In many ways, his character will really be revealed on how he handles things going forward.

If I were him, I would try and meet me when he gets home, even casually, platonically. If the chemistry was there, then yeah, I would break it off with the LD girl.

Thing is, since she's been so open about what they're doing on the website, I'm sure I'll know if he ends up breaking it off pretty easily. She, I'm sure, knows nothing of me, so she'd have no reason to not continue to be honest about them dating.

[smackie9]

OP, I have been in your position, the guy was on the fence, he eventually made a choice, and I moved on. Simple as that. 6 months later he called me up again, I told him I have met someone new. I have ran into him at a couple of car shows over the years, no hard feelings.

I don't know why everyone is making this into such a serious thing. People run into challenges in life, especially with things relating to the heart. It is what it is.

[Slipsonic]

Name, you seem like a smart woman. You don't jump on the douche bag bandwagon just because the guy has a decision to make which he hasn't had the time or sufficient information to make. I'm 90% sure its all like I described in my other post.
How do I know? I have been there before. When I was 21 I had a LDR. It was just a bit more serious than the guy in your situation. I had been with her for about 4 months and she lived about 3 hours away.
Then I met a friend of a friend who was WAY into me. I didn't know what to do. That's a really hard situation for a guy to be in. A week or so after I met the new girl she tried to get me to cheat (actually asked me) so that settled that. (If cheating WITH her wasn't a big deal she would have done it TO me as well)
The LDR girl is now my ex-wife because she cheated on me lol.

Anyways, if he was just a DB looking for a F*** on the side, I don't think he would have exchanged 900+ texts with you (I think that's how many you said) And definitely not about all the subjects you mentioned, that shows genuine interest. Another thing is if he was trying to have a F*** on the side, he wouldn't be so open telling you about this other woman.
The fact that he said he's not sure about the long distance thing with the other woman just tells me he that he thinks there is a possibility with you, but he also wants to be honest with you. He knows if he lied and said he was 100% available, THEN he would be a douche. Like I said, its a tough situation.

Just from what Ive read here, he sounds like an honest guy.
If I were in his situation, As soon as I got back I would set up a time to meet you. Not a date, but maybe the athletic activity you mentioned. Then i would just be honest. I would say that the long distance thing isn't ideal and that If you wanted to get to know me better I would tell the other woman that the LDR just isn't going to work, which isn't lying to her, but just letting her down easy.
Its been 9 years since I had to make that decision and I have learned to just be honest with people, and I dont think I would have another LDR just because situations like this are bound to arise.

And by the way, someone here said that its easier for a guy to have unemotional sex or someone on the side or whatever. That may be the case for a few uncaring men, but it is definitely NOT the norm.

[Wakeup]

Anyways, if he was just a DB looking for a F*** on the side, I don't think he would have exchanged 900+ texts

Let me explain that there certainly are douche bags that will indeed exchange 900+ texts with a girl if they are interested in getting in her pants (not saying thats only what he's trying to do, just telling Name not to think because you didn't do it at the young age of 20 it means he wouldn't do it).

With guys like Name discribed this guy to be e.g. one who needs to be in a relationship... it is very normal for them to secure one while still with another.

Name, you do sound like a smart women so don't forget the shit you don't want to hear. It's just human nature to shuffle stuff to the back of the closet when we want something bad enough so don't ignore any red flags if they surface and, if you want exclusivity, then don't be afraid to ask for it if he actually makes arrangements to meet you when he gets back, when/if the relationship advances to the sexual.

That's a wise thing for ANYONE to be doing if they want a solid relationship of the committed kind.

And I know about the status of their "relationship", because she's been posting the same stuff. About how often they see each other, she's even talked about what they've done on dates, which don't last all day and night, even on the weekend. It's strange because we think since he flew there, it's something hot and heavy, but he's staying in a hotel, and they seem to be treating it like dating if you were in the same city - few times a week, maybe an overnight here and there...

Oh, I agree with LD girl. She's got to be out of the picture entirely before I would date him, but I think I've kinda let him know that.

In many ways, his character will really be revealed on how he handles things going forward.

Smart, you is...

[namemyname]

Name, you seem like a smart woman. You don't jump on the douche bag bandwagon just because the guy has a decision to make which he hasn't had the time or sufficient information to make. I'm 90% sure its all like I described in my other post.
How do I know? I have been there before. When I was 21 I had a LDR. It was just a bit more serious than the guy in your situation. I had been with her for about 4 months and she lived about 3 hours away.
Then I met a friend of a friend who was WAY into me. I didn't know what to do. That's a really hard situation for a guy to be in. A week or so after I met the new girl she tried to get me to cheat (actually asked me) so that settled that. (If cheating WITH her wasn't a big deal she would have done it TO me as well)
The LDR girl is now my ex-wife because she cheated on me lol.

Anyways, if he was just a DB looking for a F*** on the side, I don't think he would have exchanged 900+ texts with you (I think that's how many you said) And definitely not about all the subjects you mentioned, that shows genuine interest. Another thing is if he was trying to have a F*** on the side, he wouldn't be so open telling you about this other woman.
The fact that he said he's not sure about the long distance thing with the other woman just tells me he that he thinks there is a possibility with you, but he also wants to be honest with you. He knows if he lied and said he was 100% available, THEN he would be a douche. Like I said, its a tough situation.

Just from what Ive read here, he sounds like an honest guy.
If I were in his situation, As soon as I got back I would set up a time to meet you. Not a date, but maybe the athletic activity you mentioned. Then i would just be honest. I would say that the long distance thing isn't ideal and that If you wanted to get to know me better I would tell the other woman that the LDR just isn't going to work, which isn't lying to her, but just letting her down easy.
Its been 9 years since I had to make that decision and I have learned to just be honest with people, and I dont think I would have another LDR just because situations like this are bound to arise.

And by the way, someone here said that its easier for a guy to have unemotional sex or someone on the side or whatever. That may be the case for a few uncaring men, but it is definitely NOT the norm.

Yep, I totally agree with everything you said. Thank you.

I really don't know why people are acting like he's in something serious. He met her a week ago. To me, anything that happens before physically meeting doesn't count, so I couldn't consider two months of talking a "relationship". He always (when he talked about her) referred to her as "the girl he's seeing".

Now, after I wrote him yesterday and told him no more convo while he's there and whatever it is is going on with her, and he dropped off the face of the earth, I'd think yeah, he was looking for side action or was bored. If he thought there was no chance, he'd be done, and go try and work some other action. But, writing today to say it sucked not talking, which of course was his way of testing my boundaries and testing my resolve AND perhaps trying to gauge my interest by my response, shows me he's a little more interested in maybe seeing what happens.

Yes, he has a decision to make. Continue to "date" someone long distance that he likes, clearly, which isn't ideal, or try and pursue the local gal, a better situation, whom he hasn't met.

I'm glad you shared your story about the girl who tried to get you to cheat. Makes me feel better about letting him know I value myself too much to be whatever I'm relegated to right now. Let's him know it's all or nothing.

It was 942 messages, actually. lol Not including the initial emails. And we did share a lot of cool info. I mean, I've seen pics of his kids. lol

And I agree about him telling me about her at all. He was always up front about that. It's not like he can now say, "Name, let's be real. I'm totally digging you, even though we haven't met. I don't know WTH I'm doing here, and I so wish we met before I came here, because I'm so not into it now. So, for now, know I'm sucking it up with her, and can't wait to fly home and meet you."

I mean, how seriously douchy is THAT?? Even though it's the truth...

So, for now, we'll see how it goes. Who knows? There's many ways this can wind up.

For now, I think our limited contact is the way to go, until he gets home. If he suggests a meet, of course I'll go. I'm too interested and curious not to. If he doesn't, then oh, well.

Thanks so much. You do have a real perspective, and I appreciate it.

[namemyname]

Let me explain that there certainly are douche bags that will indeed exchange 900+ texts with a girl if they are interested in getting in her pants (not saying thats only what he's trying to do, just telling Name not to think because you didn't do it at the young age of 20 it means he wouldn't do it).

With guys like Name discribed this guy to be e.g. one who needs to be in a relationship... it is very normal for them to secure one while still with another.

Name, you do sound like a smart women so don't forget the shit you don't want to hear. It's just human nature to shuffle stuff to the back of the closet when we want something bad enough so don't ignore any red flags if they surface and, if you want exclusivity, then don't be afraid to ask for it if he actually makes arrangements to meet you when he gets back, when/if the relationship advances to the sexual.

That's a wise thing for ANYONE to be doing if they want a solid relationship of the committed kind.

Smart, you is...

No, believe me - my eyes are open. I look for signs, and so far, nothing has not jived or been stinky. Besides the whole situation, that is. lol

If we meet, and it's game on, yeah, he'll know he needs to clean that up first. He already knows my "rules" of dating and sex, but it would bear repeating, though, from how he presents himself, I wouldn't need to tell him to do this - he'd do it willingly.

Yeah, I kinda stopped reading her stuff on SUN because it was making me too upset. His responses were a lot less "fluffy". Again, it's got to be hard for him, because he's been a member there for 7 years, her for 2, and they both know a lot of these people. They are meeting some this weekend, as a matter of fact. So, now that it's come out they're "dating", it's going to be hard to walk that back in the forum. Particularly if it comes out later that he and I are dating...

It's complicated, but will just need some time to resolve itself...

[namemyname]

OP, I have been in your position, the guy was on the fence, he eventually made a choice, and I moved on. Simple as that. 6 months later he called me up again, I told him I have met someone new. I have ran into him at a couple of car shows over the years, no hard feelings.

I don't know why everyone is making this into such a serious thing. People run into challenges in life, especially with things relating to the heart. It is what it is.

Exactly! I'm not breaking up a marriage here. He met her a week ago.

[Slipsonic]

And I agree about him telling me about her at all. He was always up front about that. It's not like he can now say, "Name, let's be real. I'm totally digging you, even though we haven't met. I don't know WTH I'm doing here, and I so wish we met before I came here, because I'm so not into it now. So, for now, know I'm sucking it up with her, and can't wait to fly home and meet you."

I mean, how seriously douchy is THAT?? Even though it's the truth...

Exactly. If he said that then you might wonder if he would just do the same thing to you in a month or two. IMO he's doing
his best to respect both you and her.

Thanks so much. You do have a real perspective, and I appreciate it.

No problem. Now if I could just learn to apply that perspective to my own life lol

[namemyname]

Exactly. If he said that then you might wonder if he would just do the same thing to you in a month or two. IMO he's doing
his best to respect both you and her.



No problem. Now if I could just learn to apply that perspective to my own life lol

Exactly. I think he's trying to let me know he's still interested, but he also knows as long as he's there, I'm not playing. And, I give him credit for not throwing her under the bus, and caring about her feelings. Somebody gets hurt in this.

If only we all could...