Guys: Explain the mindset behind guys doing this...

[Millie]

Well thats not good. If hes the type to settle out of fear of being alone then how do you know he wont lettle for you and then wait for someone better to come along? Which is what hes doing with her. You cant trust tsomeone like that.

If your looking for a serious relationship find a guy whos 100% single and has been single for awhile-because he chose to be-nit coz hes insecure and afraid to make a move

I sort of agree with this and then not... I would definitely think about what he's doing to her because you could easily be her a few weeks from now. Yes the geography is different, any relationship you have with him going forward would be in-person not long distance, but I don't necessarily think that makes a difference, if his character is such that he thinks it's okay to spend 9 hours a day in contact with another woman when he has a girlfriend then chances are he would still think that's okay if someone else who catches his interest comes along when you're the girlfriend.

That said, I don't think it's right to say you can't trust him, people do change when they meet the 'right' person, or even when they meet the 'right for now' person. You only have to look at someone like Warren Beatty, world renowned for his endless sexual conquests and then he meets Annette Benning and 20 years on they're still married and never even a rumor that he's ever fooled around. That's an extreme example of course, but I think we all know someone who drastically changed their sexual behavior when they met someone they truly connected with. The point I think is that leopards generally don't change their spots and to go into a relationship with someone assuming that they will behave differently with you because 'you're the one who will change them' when historically their behavior suggests they won't is folly. I don't know that this is the case with your guy, I have no idea how his romantic or sexual history reads, but I personally would be a little put-off by the way he's gone about things, just in the sense that if he isn't happy with her or the long distance situation and has half an eye on what could potentially happen with you going forward, he should really have broken off things with her before he started texting you like a maniac.

Just be a bit careful hun, what goes around really does tend to come around, and while I don't think you've really done a whole lot wrong at this point, you are and always have been aware that she existed and were happy to continue the contact with him x 1000 texts regardless - I would just hate to see you posting a thread six months from now that read 'My boyfriend is always texting a woman he met on a sports-related forum...'

[namemyname]

Guh. This is getting so exhausting.

He met her 9 days ago. They are "dating". They are not seriously involved, engaged, buying a house or buying baby furniture...

It's just stunning how some people think he's some kind of serial cheater who's always looking for the bigger, better deal, and that I'm foolish for getting involved with someone like that. SIGH.

They are "dating". He flew there to meet her, and see how it goes. I don't know why everyone thinks a handful of dates over 9 days means he's bound to a future with her, and he's a dick if he changes his mind and wants out. and that it portends he'll always be "that guy". I can't imagine no one here has ever been dating someone for a few weeks, and then met someone they liked better and jumped ship??

[michelle23]

Are you forggetting the fact he called you a FRIEND? He could really like her, he has spent 2 MONTHS chatting to her (likely 90 times a week) and he is spending the WEEK with her now. Just coz you think its not serious coz they "only just met in person a week ago" doesnt mean that he or she feels that way.

I think you are being selfish-me, me, me.. You think you DESERVE him more coz your local and shes not.

The fact "he travels on business" is ANOTHER red flag. Could have a girl in every city... Just saying.

Plus if hes SUCH a catch (like you obviously think he is) and is the "relationship type" then i highly DOUBT he has a hard time finding a good woman in a large city.

I call BULLSHIT but im bored of this thread now so im out.

Good luck

[michelle23]

Meant to say likely 900 times a week..

Im not saying hes a "serial cheater" but his behaviour right now IS a red flag. I dont do the "multiple dating" thing. America is different to where im from. But i thought "dating multiple people is supposed to be casual (no sex till committed) and she is supposed to be aware you exist which she isnt..

So she thinks right now shes the only one but hes flying home to meet you next week.. Thats deciet

[namemyname]

Are you forggetting the fact he called you a FRIEND? He could really like her, he has spent 2 MONTHS chatting to her (likely 90 times a week) and he is spending the WEEK with her now. Just coz you think its not serious coz they "only just met in person a week ago" doesnt mean that he or she feels that way.

I think you are being selfish-me, me, me.. You think you DESERVE him more coz your local and shes not.

The fact "he travels on business" is ANOTHER red flag. Could have a girl in every city... Just saying.

Plus if hes SUCH a catch (like you obviously think he is) and is the "relationship type" then i highly DOUBT he has a hard time finding a good woman in a large city.

I call BULLSHIT but im bored of this thread now so im out.

Good luck

Michelle - a thread is never complete without your special brand of negativity.

[michelle23]

Its not negativity lol. Im being realistic. You met this guy on the internet ffs. Could be anyone. You dont KNOW him and his behaviour right now has got red flags all over it

[michelle23]

Plus i was sticking up for the other girl who got there first. Who hes lying to and whos feelings you have not considered. I dont care whether they met yesterday or 5years ago. He flew to another city to spend a week with her. That IS serious-at least more serious than you who he called a friend and shes "the girl hes seeing"

[namemyname]

OK, Michelle. You've made your points.

[Millie]

Guh. This is getting so exhausting.

He met her 9 days ago. They are "dating". They are not seriously involved, engaged, buying a house or buying baby furniture...

It's just stunning how some people think he's some kind of serial cheater who's always looking for the bigger, better deal, and that I'm foolish for getting involved with someone like that. SIGH.

They are "dating". He flew there to meet her, and see how it goes. I don't know why everyone thinks a handful of dates over 9 days means he's bound to a future with her, and he's a dick if he changes his mind and wants out. and that it portends he'll always be "that guy". I can't imagine no one here has ever been dating someone for a few weeks, and then met someone they liked better and jumped ship??

Ahhh, I think you know me well enough to know that I only want you to be happy, if you believe he's a good guy who hasn't done anything wrong and his not having broken things off with her before he started bombarding you with attention isn't indicative of dubious judgement or flag-worthy then I defer to your better knowledge, you know him, I don't.

And for the record, I never said I think he's a dick if he changes his mind and wants out - quite the opposite, in fact, if anything I think that's something he should have already communicated to her. Ideally before he decided to spend most of those 9 days texting you. There's absolutely no crime in deciding you met someone you like better and jumping ship, especially not at that early a stage, I guess I just must have missed the part where he actually jumped.

[namemyname]

Ahhh, I think you know me well enough to know that I only want you to be happy, if you believe he's a good guy who hasn't done anything wrong and his not having broken things off with her before he started bombarding you with attention isn't indicative of dubious judgement or flag-worthy then I defer to your better knowledge, you know him, I don't.

And for the record, I never said I think he's a dick if he changes his mind and wants out - quite the opposite, in fact, if anything I think that's something he should have already communicated to her. Ideally before he decided to spend most of those 9 days texting you. There's absolutely no crime in deciding you met someone you like better and jumping ship, especially not at that early a stage, I guess I just must have missed the part where he actually jumped.

I do, and I know you want me to be happy.

But, what you're doing, and other posters, is make some very lofty assumptions about him, his motives, and what's going on with this girl (or me).

Namely, that they are in some kind of serious, committed relationship. The assumptions that he need break anything off with her before investigating potential with me is crazy. As was Michelle about to blow an o-ring over how this girl will be so hurt, how I'm being selfish, etc.

NONE of us know the nature of their relationship. Since they only met a week ago, they could have been seeing other people during the 2 months of virtual contact. She could be dating someone else. They could have met, decided it wasn't going to work out, but agreed to enjoy their time together nonetheless. They could never have slept together. Who knows. But remember, he's not there solely for her. He's not staying with her, he's not seeing her daily, he's doing business, seeing other friends... When he first went there, yeah, I thought like you did - serious relationship. Until he told me he was getting a hotel room, she wasn't coming to pick him up at the airport, and they weren't rushing to see each other as soon as he landed. Heck, he didn't even meet her until the day after.

Point is, this mindset that he's some kind of a douche and serial cheat or his behavior is "dubious or flag-worthy" is nuts. Or that he needs to be watched carefully because he would do to me what he's doing to her. sigh. You don't know what's going on between them, anymore than I do. But, I do know it will likely resolve one way or another when he gets home.

He's clearly respectful and sensitive enough to her and I to 1) not disparage her in any way to me, 2) not convey feelings and intent for me before actual meeting. Even if he has already told her or decided he doesn't want to date her anymore, he wouldn't tell me that now. THAT would make him look like a douche, imo.

[lamobatsman]

Im a guy. Let me chime in. I can tell you what i do and what i think. Firstly if im talking to a girl that much ie 900 messages a week then yes i wouldnt be doing that for a ****. Boy i must really like her if im investing that much time. Other guys may be different.

but also he has a girl he has flown over to see. Yet again i wouldnt spend 2 months talking to a girl in another state and fly out there if i wasnt really into her let alone spend a week with her. Thats not dating. He must really like her to fly over for a girl trust me on that.

Your a silly girl for getting involved but maybe he does really like you a lot and doesnt just want sex. Like i said every guy is different. All i know is you are in control of your life. You make the decisions in your life. You take the risks and deals with it. Sometimes life isnt fair and you get messed around but you have all the information you have here and if i was a female with tits i.e you i would walk away and meet another guy in real life. Yes it may work out with him and 50 years down the road you still.tigether with kids telling us we go it wrong. But i play by percentages and percentage tells me move on. This isnt the drama you need. Then agaun im not you and maybe you like drama

[lamobatsman]

And michelle aint stupid. You are naive. The other girl has feelings to. You should be backing off. Then again a prt of me wants to stay you guys deserve each other and watch how you get hurtttt

[lamobatsman]

You have some issues. Girls like you are not good gf material thats for sure

[Millie]

I do, and I know you want me to be happy.

But, what you're doing, and other posters, is make some very lofty assumptions about him, his motives, and what's going on with this girl (or me).

Namely, that they are in some kind of serious, committed relationship. The assumptions that he need break anything off with her before investigating potential with me is crazy. As was Michelle about to blow an o-ring over how this girl will be so hurt, how I'm being selfish, etc.

NONE of us know the nature of their relationship. Since they only met a week ago, they could have been seeing other people during the 2 months of virtual contact. She could be dating someone else. They could have met, decided it wasn't going to work out, but agreed to enjoy their time together nonetheless. They could never have slept together. Who knows. But remember, he's not there solely for her. He's not staying with her, he's not seeing her daily, he's doing business, seeing other friends... When he first went there, yeah, I thought like you did - serious relationship. Until he told me he was getting a hotel room, she wasn't coming to pick him up at the airport, and they weren't rushing to see each other as soon as he landed. Heck, he didn't even meet her until the day after.

Point is, this mindset that he's some kind of a douche and serial cheat or his behavior is "dubious or flag-worthy" is nuts. Or that he needs to be watched carefully because he would do to me what he's doing to her. sigh. You don't know what's going on between them, anymore than I do. But, I do know it will likely resolve one way or another when he gets home.

He's clearly respectful and sensitive enough to her and I to 1) not disparage her in any way to me, 2) not convey feelings and intent for me before actual meeting. Even if he has already told her or decided he doesn't want to date her anymore, he wouldn't tell me that now. THAT would make him look like a douche, imo.

Ummm, okay well I wasn't aware I'd made any assumptions at all, much less the lofty kind the only thing that could qualify is that I did take it as a given that the girl in question would be somewhat upset if she knew he'd been texting you as frequently as he has been, which is less an assumption and more the impression I got based on our conversation about things before you created this thread. If I got that wrong I apologize.

Oh and again, for the record, I'm not assuming that he need break things off with her before investigating potential with you, I just happen to think that's the right thing to do when you 'care' about someone, especially when it's someone who's blissfully ignorantly posting about their 'dates' on social networking sites.

[michelle23]

But, what you're doing, and other posters, is make some very lofty assumptions about him, his motives, and what's going on with this girl (or me).Namely, that they are in some kind of serious, committed relationship. The assumptions that he need break anything off with her before investigating potential with me is crazy. As was Michelle about to blow an o-ring over how this girl will be so hurt, how I'm being selfish, etc.

No we are speculating and telling you how it looks from an outsiders perspective. I wouldnt be stupid enough to spend two months talking to someone online in the first place who lives miles away as I dont do the long distance thing but if I did and I wanted him to fly here to see me-I would be fairly pissed to discover that he has been lining up another girl at home the whole time hes planning to come and f**k me in a hotel room.

NONE of us know the nature of their relationship. .

Exactly. And you told him while he is seeing her-to leave you alone so if he stops seeing her-he will let you know I'm sure.

OK, Michelle. You've made your points

You mean I didnt tell you what you want to hear? Okay.. No need to be such a b**ch about it. Trying to help here but whatever