Break up email?

[SEsunshine]

Ok this is going to be very long, but I'm in complete shock right now and I've never felt so devastated in my whole life. Last year I moved overseas to be with my boyfriend who got a job there. We were long distance for a year prior and before that we lived together in my home country. We have been together for 3 years, he is 26 & I am 27. We also have two pets together. I gave up my whole entire life, friends, family, job, etc. to come to this country to live with him and I'm not able to work here so he promised if I came here he would support me financially, which he has gone above and beyond doing since. We are renting an apartment right now, but he was looking to buy a house for us to live in and we were looking at different options. I was very excited about this because I thought our relationship was getting more serious.

We just came back from an amazing vacation this weekend. I thought we had an amazing time, we laughed, went to 5 star restaurants, he took me shopping and bought me so many things that I felt bad about it, he pampered me, was very affectionate, gave me many compliments, just acted like he was the most in love and happy person the whole weekend. He even talked about our future together, about future trips we'd take and where we were going to live. When we got home last night he wouldn't sleep in bed with me or give me a kiss good night. He got mad when I asked him about it. He told me he hoped I had a fun vacation.

This morning he went to work and I couldn't connect to my email earlier. I messaged him good morning on skype like I usually do and he was acting very strange. Then he asked me if I was going to be home later which I thought was very odd. He told me he would be working overtime this week and then he signed offline. I started posting some pictures of our trip on facebook and he "liked" the album. I finally got into my email just 15 mins ago and found an email there from him that he sent very early this morning. This is what it said:

"Hey,


I should give you a fair warning, this is not going to be a nice email from your point of view, and I hope you believe me when I say that I am truly sorry for it...I promise you I am.


I signed the papers for my apartment Today. It is an apartment in the harbor, with 3 bedrooms (1 big and two pretty small ones). The apartment is really nice an all, only inconvenience is that it is on the 1st floor but it is in a very quite area and I like the patio and everything else about it.

It was important to me to make a decision on the apartment all by myself because this is my investment and it will only affect me, in a positive or negative way for the rest of my life. I do not plan to be in a relationship forever, I do not expect you to be with me forever, I cannot let you be involved in such a big decision knowing this. I'm sorry, I honestly wish things were different but I simply don't have the feelings for you that I once did and I am quite convinced that I never will, it doesn't matter how much you want to try, etc.

I am not 100% sure of the move-in date yet, it could be 1 month, 2 months or maybe 3 at most. Chances are that it will be sooner rather than later. Once we move in it will be EXTREMELY IMPORTANT for me to find someone to rent one of the small bedrooms. Maybe even get someone to rent the second spare bedroom a little while after that, but I'm not entirely sure of this, this would only be the case if my economy really really sucks then.

I am 100% decided to be at the financial level that I should have been at this point in my life so I want to rent at least one room because that would be the absolute fastest way for me to get there. It is also ABSOLUTELY IMPORTANT to me that I visit my much beloved family this year, I love and miss them so much and I have given up the chance to spend time with them so many times before that I will not let that happen this year no matter what.

Priorities in my life from Today on are:
1. My happiness and my mental and physical health.
2. Make it possible to see my family this end of year.
3. Pay off ALL my debts and start saving money.
4. Maintain a lifestyle that allows me to save as much money as possible every month.
5. Everything else.

Of course, at this point after refusing to listen to reason for several several months, this puts you in a very odd place. I am really sorry for this. However I have over the last many years told you that this was going to happen, I have been 100% direct and open to you about it, yet you refuse to ever listen to anything I have to say in this regard. I have offered hundreds of times to help you out, to help you get where you need to be, where you want to be, to help you with anything you ask, all I asked is that you would please let us be apart. I believe that in the past, even though it is not a nice thing to go though, I was the nicest to you about it. You didn't care.

You know very well that you have taken advantage of me, and that you have FORCED me to be in a relationship with you. I asked so nicely, begged, cried, you have seen how miserable you made me and now how horrible of a person I'm becoming in your company, and you insist on continuing FORCING me ti be with you because you know that I am a nice guy and I will not simply dump you on the streets, EVER.

So yeah, You are very welcome to stay and live with me but from Today on I will continue to not have any sort of romantic, or even emotional investment on this relationship. You will be your own person living your own live, and I will live mine. Just the way you have always known that I am truly happy, alone. For now I will continue to tell people that I am in a happy relationship with you, but this will not last for long, it will definitely not be the case for a single day of next year. You have forced me to pretend long enough.

I will continue to help you get your things, but have in mind that none of your stuff is a priority to me and i will only help you out as long as it doesn't interfere with my priorities that I listed above. So don't count on things like your dance classes and such being 100% guaranteed. I will not buy presents or celebrate things with you if it interferes with my priorities and I will help you with the cost of traveling back to the States only if you intend to stay there, If you plan to go there only as a vacation then you will have to look elsewhere for help.

If you want to talk, we can talk. If you want to beg and force me into things AGAIN, we won't be doing any of that and I already have a plan in which I can stay elsewhere indefinitely and won't have to interact with each other anymore, so I highly recommend you keep that in mind.




I have tried to make things as nice and easy as possible in the past, at this point you give me no choice but to have things be this way. I no longer want to be in a relationship with you, you are beautiful and an amazing person and you deserve to be with someone who wants the same things in life that you do.


-"boyfriend's name"


P.S. With that all said, both you and myself already knowing most of what was said on this letter, I still promised you that I would try really hard for you to have a nice summer: I intend to keep that promise the same way I have kept every other promise I ever made to you. Summer will last until the end of September so if you still want, I will try to continue and do as I promised but that will for sure be the end of it."


I am completely in shock and don't even know what to make of this letter. I have sat staring at my computer screen. He is at work now and won't be home until very late. I keep going back and forth of how to handle this situation, but I feel like this is the cruelest thing anyone has ever done to me and I really don't understand. What he is referring to about me "forcing him" to be in a relationship is that over two years ago when we lived in my home country he broke up with me for 3 months and moved out. I begged him to come back and finally he did, but didn't want a serious relationship. I finally left it at that, he moved overseas and then HE eventually asked me to be his girlfriend again in a long distance relationship and then asked me to move to be with him later on. He has thrown this in my face when we he got mad at me at couple times and I'm sure this is what he means now.

If anyone could talk or give me any advice I would really appreciate it. I'm on the other side of the world from my friends and family and he is the only person here I had that I could trust or talk to. My heart is broken.

[Wakeup]

What he said here:

I am really sorry for this. However I have over the last many years told you that this was going to happen, I have been 100% direct and open to you about it, yet you refuse to ever listen to anything I have to say in this regard. I have offered hundreds of times to help you out, to help you get where you need to be, where you want to be, to help you with anything you ask, all I asked is that you would please let us be apart. I believe that in the past, even though it is not a nice thing to go though, I was the nicest to you about it. You didn't care.

Is completely opposite to what you said about him wanting you to give up everything and move to be with him. (dumb thing to have done btw... never move to be with someone unless you have your own job lined up or the money to sustain yourself for awhile in case something like this happens).

So, I'm sorry you're hurting but what is the truth here?

You said this :

I gave up my whole entire life, friends, family, job, etc. to come to this country to live with him and I'm not able to work here so he promised if I came here he would support me financially,

Does that mean that he didn't ask you to come to be with him but you insisted and he just promised to support you?

Something isn't adding up... sorry.

be in a relationship is that over two years ago when we lived in my home country he broke up with me for 3 months and moved out. I begged him to come back and finally he did, but didn't want a serious relationship.

Well, that makes things clearer. I guess by that statement he was 100% honest with you but you wanted him so bad that you didn't listen.

He's told you again now that he doesn't want a relationship with you but he'll put you up until you decide if you want to stay there and work or go home to your own country and family. Me, I'd be out of there and I would never have moved to be with him until he had married my... Anyone who tells you they don't want a serious relationship with you is telling you the truth and until the commit fully, I'd believe them.

Call your parents and tell them you're coming home... Get this guy to pay for your airfair if you have no money. In time and zero contact, you'll heal and find someone who does want a serious relationship with you. He sounds like he's BPDisordered ffs. Buys you all that shit, lays it on heavy and then resents YOU for what he just did.

Me thinks you're better off with someone who isn't mixed up and quite stupid. He blames you for "not letting us be apart?" WTF.. has he no conviction, free will, the strength to keep you gone? He's nuts. TBH

[SEsunshine]

"I am really sorry for this. However I have over the last many years told you that this was going to happen, I have been 100% direct and open to you about it, yet you refuse to ever listen to anything I have to say in this regard. I have offered hundreds of times to help you out, to help you get where you need to be, where you want to be, to help you with anything you ask, all I asked is that you would please let us be apart. I believe that in the past, even though it is not a nice thing to go though, I was the nicest to you about it. You didn't care."


What he is referring to I believe is what happened a long time ago when he broke up with me and moved out. I didn't deal with it well and I begged him to come back which was the wrong thing to do. This happened years ago now. He did however, ask me to be in a relationship again some time after that and 100% on his own will asked me to move with him. We have grown a lot since then, but sometimes when he gets in an argument with me he will bring up the fact that he "tried to break up with me and I begged him", because he knows it pushed my buttons.

This past event did concern me, but he made be believe that he loved me and wanted to be with me for a long time now. HE was the one that wanted the serious relationship with me again in the end. I don't feel like it could be possible to "pretend" as much as he says he has been. It hurts me very much to find out that he has been feeling otherwise. And yes, I'm very confused as to how I could "force" him to be in a relationship or do anything at all for that matter

[smackie9]

I agree nothing here is adding up. Either you won't admit to what he has mention in his email is true or it's a matter of miscommunication.

Anyways he might be under the gun by his family to move on with his life like buying a place and finding a suitable wife. This would explain him buying you an abnormal amount of things....kind of out of guilt for having to send you off. He's feeling regretful that he has to do this, but has no choice.

If it were me I would just pack a suitcase and get the next flight home.

[SEsunshine]

And now after everything if you can believe it he has just been on facebook making comments on all the photos of our trip saying how great it was and what an amazing time he had!!!! I had posted the photos before I saw his devastating email...now I am even more confused.

[4 ratties]

It sounds like he was tired of paying for everything and taking care of you. He talks alot about finances and what he wants.. sounds like u were always put first. it was probably a strain on him especially since hes in debt. Why couldn't u get a job? Even something part time at a store or something?

[smackie9]

BTW I feel he is being a jackass for blaming you for all of this. He is a man with free will, he is able to make his own decisions, and it's not like you held a f uckin gun to your head. He is being a big baby not a man. He can't own up to his own mistakes? weirdo.

[smackie9]

And now after everything if you can believe it he has just been on facebook making comments on all the photos of our trip saying how great it was and what an amazing time he had!!!! I had posted the photos before I saw his devastating email...now I am even more confused.

Why don't you send him an email?

[SEsunshine]

It sounds like he was tired of paying for everything and taking care of you. Why couldn't u get a job? Even something part time at a store or something?

I couldn't get a job at first because I had to wait for my work visa. I finally got it about a month ago, but it is hard to find a job here without speaking the language. When I would bring up anything about trying to get a part time job to make extra money he would seem irritated and tell me I didn't have to do that. I have felt terrible about him paying for everything, but he has insisted.

The career I had previously before moving doesn't have a large market here. I just starting talking with a contact I met about an opportunity coming up this fall for me to start working again in my original field, which I was excitedly planning on doing.

[Wakeup]

"I am really sorry for this. However I have over the last many years told you that this was going to happen, I have been 100% direct and open to you about it, yet you refuse to ever listen to anything I have to say in this regard. I have offered hundreds of times to help you out, to help you get where you need to be, where you want to be, to help you with anything you ask, all I asked is that you would please let us be apart. I believe that in the past, even though it is not a nice thing to go though, I was the nicest to you about it. You didn't care."


What he is referring to I believe is what happened a long time ago when he broke up with me and moved out. I didn't deal with it well and I begged him to come back which was the wrong thing to do. This happened years ago now. He did however, ask me to be in a relationship again some time after that and 100% on his own will asked me to move with him. We have grown a lot since then, but sometimes when he gets in an argument with me he will bring up the fact that he "tried to break up with me and I begged him", because he knows it pushed my buttons.

This past event did concern me, but he made be believe that he loved me and wanted to be with me for a long time now. HE was the one that wanted the serious relationship with me again in the end. I don't feel like it could be possible to "pretend" as much as he says he has been. It hurts me very much to find out that he has been feeling otherwise. And yes, I'm very confused as to how I could "force" him to be in a relationship or do anything at all for that matter

Then the only explanation is that he has some sort of mental issue so grab a plane and leave him to his bullshit. I'd never want to stay there again knowing that he's thinking that stuff when he's not fking me and buying me shit.

Ugh... I'd be hurt but when a guy tells you stuff like he did in that email then nothing else that he does from now on (including adding vacation pictures to facebook would allow me to believe that he actually loved me.

Your mileage may vary but I'd question your own self-worth and fear of abandonment if you stay with him now.

[SEsunshine]

I also can't believe that he secretly bought an apartment without telling me and was planning on getting a roommate. To my knowledge he was buying a place for us and we were looking at them together. He has completely lied to me in every way possible. It makes me sick that he must have been planning this for so long. Now it makes sense because he called his bank this weekend while we were on our trip. I do love him, but I agree that this isn't a good situation anymore. Do I say anything to him? Or just pack up and leave?

I'm so devastated to leave behind my new life that I was just starting yet again, but I can't stay here with him under these circumstances... It also makes me upset that he would continue to "pretend" we are together for his friends..why would he do that?

When he left me years ago he wouldn't tell his family or friends either. He would have conversations with them and completely act like we were still in a relationship! It actually made me very mad. It's like he doesn't want me, but doesn't actually want me to leave. I'm not going to put up with it this time because I don't even think he knows what he wants anymore.

I'm also wondering if he won't tell his family this time because they were going to loan him part of the money to buy an apartment for "us" since they like me I feel very used.

I'm very worried for him to come home tonight because I just don't even know what to say or what to do. I do want to give everything he bought for me back to him.

[horndog]

Seems like he was pretty straight with you in the letter as to how he feels the relationship has been going and your entirely different views on what you have. Take him up on a plane ticket and move on. there is nothing left for you where you are.

[SEsunshine]

Last night when he came home from work he went on the couch and curled up in a ball and kept making sighing noises like he wanted attention. I left him alone for a while because I was so upset and didn't want to say anything that I would regret and honestly I felt like I still didn't want to talk to him. He called his mom and told her about how he signed the papers for the house and how excited he was for "us" to have a home now. She asked him how I liked this apartment and he lied and said that was surprising me, but I was going to love it!

He then tried to make small talk with me, asking me how my dance class went, and attempting to make jokes while watching a show on tv. I answered him, but that was all. I was waiting for him to mention something, anything, about the apartment or about the email he wrote, but he never said anything. Then he went on facebook and kept commenting on more of our photos of the trip. He then fell asleep on the couch for several hours. Before I went to bed I woke him up and said that I realize he's tired now, but I'm going to bed and that we should probably talk tomorrow. He said ok, and told me to have a good night. I'm very confused with his behavior and why he hasn't tried to talk with me more about his intentions or ask me what I've decided. If I had broken up with him I would want to talk about it to make sure he understood and figure out what the plan was. I would also never even give the option of still living together or telling people we are still together unless I was unsure. So why would he just carry on like nothing happened?

I know I need to talk to him and tell him that I have to leave under these conditions, but it's going to be difficult for me because I still love him and I wish he would change his mind. His behavior isn't helping either because I wish he were absolutely certain that he wants me to leave that he would sit down with me and tell me that and then help me figure something out. With my last long term relationship I was the one who broke it off and that's exactly how I approached it because I was positive that's what I wanted. I feel like after being together for so long and with the circumstances he at least owes me that. I know he was absolutely clear in his email about what he wanted, but his actions are now saying otherwise to me, like he is truly scared to end it for good or hoping I stay around under his conditions. What do you think? :/

[michelle23]

I am confused.

Has your bf said all of this before? Has he tried to break up with you? Has he begged you to get a job?

It sounds to me like he feels that you are taking advantage of him, spending all his money and preventing him from seeing his family..

Why cant you work? I think that is not true. As long as you are not there illegally-then you can get a working VISA.

It is wrong to be so dependent on this man. Go home to your family, learn to stand on your own two feet. If you were married with 2 or 3 kids-then yes, it would be okay for him to provide for you and your kids coz being a mum and running a home is like a full time job. However, you have no children, you are not married and you are completely dependent on him.

I don't blame him for dumping you. He is thinking about his future and he can no longer see you as his future wife-probably because he thinks you are lazy and a user

[michelle23]

I suggest you get on the internet and ask your family to send you some money so you can fly home as soon as possible. Go home, get a job, support yourself and pay them back. Never become so dependent on any many again. You are just giving him permission to walk all over you.

I am not saying that is what he is doing. It sounds like he just wants his life back. Looking after you is like being a parent for him and its not okay. But other men (some bad men) would take complete advantage in this situation. They may think they can get away with anything and you cant do anything about it coz you have nowhere to go, no money, no family, no friends.

Learn to look after yourself. I dont believe for one second that you cannot work. You could have gotten a cash in hand job cleaning dishes in a chinese if you really have no VISA