Boyfriend's Ex was murdered... He's still in love

[odemadrid]

First time poster here.

I appreciate taking the time tor read my post and commenting.

It's kind of a hard situation for everyone, so I'll try to be brief.

My boyfriend broke up with his ex about a year ago after 14 years of being together.

His ex was brutally murdered by a psycho about a month ago... It wasn't an accident, but rather an act of violence by a random person who is clearly mentally ill.

Ever since, my boyfriend has been very depressed about what happened. He is grieving a loss, and he's been very vocal to me and everyone how much he still loves his ex:

-During a speech at a memorial for his ex, he said his ex is the person he has loved the most in his life... I was there to hear that
-Post messages on his ex's wall saying he'll love him forever and miss him.... I can read that
-Calling me his ex's name
-Changing his fb profile pic to an image of them both

His comments hurt me, and I don't know what to do.

I have expressed to him his actions hurt me, but he stated his feelings for his ex are not related to his feelings towards me, and that he'll always love his ex and will have a space in his heart no one will take.

What do y'all think?

[4 ratties]

It's only been a month! He needs much more time then that to move on from this. Maybe suggest counseling if he is still having a terrible time with it. But it sounds like normal grieving. The only part that is weird is calling u his Ex's name.. That's not appropriate .. Idk if that's an accident or on purpose. Just be a shoulder to cry on.. And if u can't cope with this.. Maybe this isn't the person for you.. Who knows how long he will grieve.. 14 years was a very long time to have soemone in your life..

[odemadrid]

It's only been a month! He needs much more time then that to move on from this. Maybe suggest counseling if he is still having a terrible time with it. But it sounds like normal grieving. The only part that is weird is calling u his Ex's name.. That's not appropriate .. Idk if that's an accident or on purpose. Just be a shoulder to cry on.. And if u can't cope with this.. Maybe this isn't the person for you.. Who knows how long he will grieve.. 14 years was a very long time to have soemone in your life..

Thank you for your response. I am honestly trying so hard to be a shoulder to cry on, but it's so difficult to strike a balance between being a boyfriend / friend and having to listen at him say how misses the person he's loved the most.

Something else that bothers me is that he has a need to make his feelings public ie. making posts on Facebook about is love for his ex where our, their friends and even my sister to read.

I don't expect him not to have feelings, but putting it out there for everyone to know is kinda hard to swallow. It kinda makes me feel a little bit of a rebound

[Cerby]

I think you might be better to just give him some space to grieve. It is appropriate for him given their history, but you shouldn't be the one he is crying to considering your current situation.

Maybe just pull back for a bit, tell him you're going to give him some space to come to terms with his feelings. From there, let him figure himself out and when to resume your relationship as normal.

[basilandthyme]

I'd walk away from the situation. While I understand that he's grieving, I simply wouldn't stand by while my boyfriend was grieving the person he 'loved most in life'. I mean, what does that make me? Chopped Liver?

No thanks

[Crissyhee]

They have been 14 years together and how she was brutally murdered definitely took a toll on him. He might be feeling a sense of frustration for not being able to protect her the day she was murdered after dated for 14 years. He's taking the guilt quite badly. It may sounded hurtful, but if you leave now, he'll be more depressed. Just let it be for a while.
Then, when you think that he's already okay, try to ask him what really matters to him now. If he can't see you the way he sees her even in a slightest bit, you better move on. No point of staying when he's still haunted by his past. Look for a guy who would take his present life with you and make it worthwhile forever.

[pcmaster]

Hes ex is beeing drama queen now(no pun intended). Its always bit touch when your ex finds a new BF. But now shes even more unavailable than that. Suddenly everything what they had is so special and love is so strong that goes even beyond death outside this world. It hit him hard cause instead of understand that life is short and concentrate on you hes concentrating on people whos not here. Which is insane and its kind a wrong time cause he had his chance.

[michelle23]

He loves his ex always will but hes in love with you. 14years is a long time. Even if he didnt die-he would likely still care about him. Let him grieve for now. Maybe talk about this when its not so raw. If you cant handle it-jut walk away now

good luck

[Jffs24]

14 years together is a whole lotta history there and obviously your boyfriend never got the closure he wanted with his ex because of the murder.
That might be the problem, left over feelings that can't be told to that person because that person is dead.

Bring up each issue that bothered ya to the Bf.
If they don't care or show they care about your feelings who they are in a relationship with now, maybe take a break off dating him.
Unless you are happy being 2nd best to a dead ex lover?

[TablesandChairs]

The murder of a long-term partner comes as a huge shock, even if they were no longer together. Also, in death, people become 'sanctified', so to speak. Your boyfriend is likely focusing on how great he was and the good times they shared rather than the reasons they broke up a year ago.

Nonetheless, he's being insensitive - you're not chopped liver, you're his partner and hearing those things, whether the person is deceased or not, stings. I would tell him as gently as possible that his public displays of never-ending love for his ex are hurting you and that while you understand he is grieving, you wish he would at least have a little bit of consideration for you.

If my ex of 8 years died tomorrow, I too would be shocked/grieving...but in all honestly, I wouldn't hurt my current partner by saying those things.

[odemadrid]

Thank you very much for your comments.

I think those of you who fear that his dead ex will 'sanctified' are probably right... Dinner conversations with friends have turned into a forum to describe what a great person was and how he never did anything wrong... Why would they break up if he was so perfect?

He took two weeks off work to grieve, which turned into him getting fired :*(

What a month!

[UnderTheMoon]

What you are seeing, is called survivors guilt. It happens in all kinds of relationships and no matter how long they are, when something like this happens it has to go through it's natural process. Usually when we separate from someone, no matter how mad or bad things could have been, we still hope in most cases, that, the person we are leaving behind, lives a long, and meaningful life full of everything that this life has to offer. Let him grieve, be supportive and don't take those comments too hard, the thing is, when feeling this grief, we think about all the "What ifs'". Let time pass, be supportive and understanding and love your partner, the last thing you want to do is leave him feeling isolated in his time of need, even though you feel hurt, and it is understandable, this is actually very natural and occurs more often then people tend to discuss. After a couple of months, if he doesn't get any better, kindly and gently suggest some counseling so he can have some sort of reconciliation for what happened and it will help as a means of letting go, not only in the fact that this person has died, but also in the sense of getting past that previous relationship woes, remembering the good times, and accepting what is and moving forward. We all get stuck when we grieve, and we all need a gentle push to be stronger, because we all have weak moments when the burden of our hearts seems to stop us dead in our tracks.

The thing is, as mentioned, this was still a pretty fresh separation, and such a sudden and tragic death, I understand all too well and my heart not only goes out to him, but to you. Stay strong and do the best that you can, it is all you can do. Let us know how things progress.

-Moon

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Save yourself the headache. Break up, and tell him to come back if he ever gets over her.

[Wakeup]

^^^ I agree. It's one thing to be sad that an ex has died because he/she was once a part of your life. It's quite another for him to be carrying on like he is. I'd not even be all that worried that he still loved her... she's dead afterall and it can't be reciprocated or that love pursued however; the fact that he's acting like a man with mental and emotional issues, acting so inappropriately and publically would be enough for me to consider leaving him outright if he didn't get the obvious help he needs.

[Wakeup]

BTW: Survivors Guilt is the last thing I'd think he was going through. He wasn't in the same situation and survived while she didn't. If she and he were fire fighters (for instance) and they both fell through a burning roof.. she died but he survived.. (as an example) then yes.... I'd agree he was suffering from PTS or SG.

Dinner conversations with friends have turned into a forum to describe what a great person was and how he never did anything wrong... Why would they break up if he was so perfect?

He took two weeks off work to grieve, which turned into him getting fired

He has serious issues that if he doesn't get professional help with, he will just get worse. Encourage him to get the psychological help he needs and if he won't go, then really consider breaking up with him to save your own long term happiness and emotional health. You can't fix him and he'll drag you down to where he is on the happy scale long before you can ever lift him up to your (current) functional level.

What symptoms (if any) did he show you prior to her death? "Why would they break up if he was so perfect?" EXACTLY.. Why? Huge red flags a flyin.