Boyfriend's Ex was murdered... He's still in love

[UnderTheMoon]

BTW: Survivors Guilt is the last thing I'd think he was going through. He wasn't in the same situation and survived while she didn't. If she and he were fire fighters (for instance) and they both fell through a burning roof.. she died but he survived.. (as an example) then yes.... I'd agree he was suffering from PTS or SG.

While I agree to an extent, SG has a wider spectrum of people in that category then most believe. Some people who divorce and their former spouse passes away before they do, feel this, just as well as they would feel the same if their current partner passed away. SG is not so limited and everyone has a different way of reacting, you could be someone who lost a friend, a sibling, or another individual in which you were close to, and in the circumstance we are discussing, SG can make some people act this way. As illogical as it can be, it happens more often than not, this person we are discussing is more open and yes, I agree he needs to get help. What he is doing is hurtful, I don't think it is intentional because guilt being what it is, makes a person mad. I've never known anyone to have SG and be normal for a while. So we agree, to disagree and it is fine.

I suffered SG when my sister died, I didn't know it until I sought counseling for depression but it is, what it is. Even though we shouldn't feel responsible for those things out of our own control, sometimes we feel like we could have changed it, it really is a heavy burden to let yourself feel that way. Guy here needs counseling, that would be the best start for him.

As for the other stuff, I think there needs to be some clarity and discussion between the two. The reason for them splitting could be the very reason he is acting in such a way.

[UnderTheMoon]

I am pretty sure the poster is male. HIS boyfriend is also obviously a male. So can we stop saying she?

[Constructo Man]

WOAH, my heart goes out to both of you and your in my prayers. Maybe just be his friend for now. He really needs you and he really needs people to be there for him so I know this sounds bad but maybe try to put your aspect of a relationship to the side for now (if that makes sense.)

[Wakeup]

I am pretty sure the poster is male. HIS boyfriend is also obviously a male. So can we stop saying she?

Whoops.. sorry, Op. & tks for clarifying Moon. I suppose its possible that its SG however, Same post applies as far as I'm concerned whether its survivors guilt or his own issues suffered prior to his ex's death. He's lost his job over this and op has still not come back in to say if he suffered any symptoms of other issues prior to his ex's passing. If he won't go to councelling, then I'd be leaving him altogether.. To stay with him is enabling him in his current issue(s).

[michelle23]

I would leave if it were me. This isn't fair on you at all. His ex is now the main focus of his attention 100%, you have been pushed to one side which is wrong. Its understandable that he is upset but he should have more respect for you and more empathy for your feelings. And now he has lost his job? That is crazy. Him and his ex have been apart for over a year. Most of his grieving for loss of the relationship should be done already and now he should just be a little shocked for a few days, shed a few tears and get on with things.. The fact he has crashed and burned over this-tells me you have always just been a rebound or a backup plan. Sorry

[odemadrid]

Yes, we are both males. I am not sure how that changes the answers... relationships are relationships no matter what the gender is... 14 years of being with someone is a long time whether you are a male or a female.

He's starting to go to counseling now.... I really hope that helps.

After talking to him several times, he seems more empathetic with how I feel and how his public displays of love towards his ex hurt me. HOWEVER, he keeps saying his feeling towards me have nothing to do with the way he feels about his ex.

It seems losing his job has been more devastating to me than to him.

I have never been in a situation where your bf is unemployed; I get to work while he stays home working on resumes, have lunch with his mom, friends and work out... I am not sure what to expect from him

[Wakeup]

Don't expect anything and then you won't be disappointed. Its good to hear he's in councelling now you either stay and wait or you leave and tell him to call you when he has his shit together. Your choice, luv.

[michelle23]

Okay you have made your feelings clear. Id give him a month to sort himself out and if nothing changes-walk away

[Constructo Man]

And now he has lost his job? That is crazy. Him and his ex have been apart for over a year. Most of his grieving for loss of the relationship should be done already and now he should just be a little shocked for a few days, shed a few tears and get on with things..

Thats true but many people have different ways of going through the grieving process. But I agree that she may need to move on or somehow put this thing on hold.

[HeartIsAching]

I think you might be better to just give him some space to grieve. It is appropriate for him given their history, but you shouldn't be the one he is crying to considering your current situation.

Maybe just pull back for a bit, tell him you're going to give him some space to come to terms with his feelings. From there, let him figure himself out and when to resume your relationship as normal.

I was going to say essentially the same thing. Tell him that for now you're just going to be his friend, and he can talk to you if he needs you, but for your own state of mind, you need some space from the relationship.