Win Her Back - 5 yrs and going stale - Advice Required

[TheKnowledge]

Hi, looking for some quick instant tips to get relationship on track, if possible.

Got together with girl 5 years ago. Old story, have been too 'nice' to her and reaping the rewards of straying and lack of respect. In Summary:
I have not been dominant enough in explaining her role and responsibilities in the relationship, letting her away with sarcasm, lack of sex etc., double standards on acceptable behaviour.
I am much more 'human' she is very cold due to upbringing (as her friends would say not just me)
Small day to day example e.g. I would go to her, give her a kiss and 'have a good day' before she goes to work while she would either say Im going now and expect me to come to her or just leave.
I have a lot of my own interests and spend a bit of time on them but I always check that is ok with her that she is happy with that.
I dont in any way feel submissive or scared of her at all , its just how I was brought up to consider other peoples feelings. Sometimes this works for me in that I earn over 6 figures developing business relationships. I also have this beautiful girlfriend. But below the surface I am not in control of this...yet.
Recently she was out with work and ended up staying in some colleagues house, the other night then she got drunk and he brought her home in a cab (1 hour round trip) and I expect she is 'looking around'.
Have done all the nice dinners , weekends away, big presents so I dont think that kind of thing is going to work.
It could be that 5 years in she is annoyed because I havent proposed. She has never talked about marriage or kids. I havent proposed to her because she has shown herself to be unable of mutual problem solving, ie when a crisis hits she simply stops talking and I am on my own. For eg years ago when moving house I mentioned a living together agreement and she simply stopped talking to me for the day, no argument , never mentioned again. Has happened a few times, I've explained this issue to her.

Sex life is terrible. I always initiate. Unless she is very drunk it is like having sex with a corpse, no feedback, no fun or eye contact. Though she almost always orgasms. Used to be much better in that I could hold out for 4 but now getting to 1 is at best. I think her lack of interest made me worse at it, Ive tried to talk about it and say that if we had it more often it would be better but she just brushes off the conversation. Also she is only available for it in the morning when I cannot perform for some reason, much better at night.
I think its worth one last go - ie stoke up the relationship , make an attempt to address the bad sex life and communication issues , then if no luck just bin it. Im late 30s and want to get married and have kids asap. We 'get on' very well, same sense of humour etc.
Willing to try anything - not in the sense that I'm desperate but just really up for it with nothing to lose!

Some things to get advice on :
Should I stop returning her calls so quickly , say leave till after work ? (we call couple of times every day)
Should I agressively admonish her for bad behaviour (quite out of character the other day when she didnt meet me when arranged rather than let it go I told her to 'learn some f***** respect' and it went down quite well, she was shocked but then happy)
Should I try to make her jealous by seeking other female contact
Should I be more forecful when it comes to having sex often - how to approach this ?
Basically any tips to make myself appear like the prize again which she can have if she behaves.

Be very interested in your feedback

[michelle23]

Why are you with this woman? Is it just because she is "beautiful"? That is the only good thing you have said about her.. She may be beautiful on the outside but she sure sounds ugly on the inside. I would recommend you get rid of her before she gets rid of you.

I also think shes cheating on you.

You should go and get some counselling for your obvious co-dependency. You sound like a nice guy, good job, great provider, emotionally intelligent. You do realize you can do better than this surely? If not then you need help

[basilandthyme]

Why on earth do you want to win her back? Can you really imagine being married to her for the rest of your life?

[TheKnowledge]

Why are you with this woman? Is it just because she is "beautiful"? That is the only good thing you have said about her.. She may be beautiful on the outside but she sure sounds ugly on the inside. I would recommend you get rid of her before she gets rid of you.

I also think shes cheating on you.

You should go and get some counselling for your obvious co-dependency. You sound like a nice guy, good job, great provider, emotionally intelligent. You do realize you can do better than this surely? If not then you need help

Hi, appreciate your thoughts. Actually her beauty isn't that important, after 5 years its not new. I perhaps did not elaborate fully by just saying we 'get on'. We get on actually like best friends, constantly in contact and generally having a laugh about life and enjoying experiences together. So that is what makes me think its worth the effort. I just also think that I have let myself fall into the trap of being too accommodating and considerate which translates in some people's eyes as compliant and beta which is unattractive.

I am generally in great control of my emotions and do not feel co dependent. I really believe that if she left id get over it pretty quickly, instantly in fact. But it's an interesting consideration. I wonder if this could be better solved by seeking new attention rather than counselling. I'm not sure i have a lot to learn in that area.

I've not ended a relationship this long before, I also really do not know that she has done anything wrong. So Im really much more interested in the short term at least in just experimenting with alpha male cliches to see what happens. After all what the point in dumping her and making the same mistakes having learned nothing.

I'm going to implement a few measure, have some fun and see what happens. Again appreciate your time here.

[TheKnowledge]

Hi, not really , but better to end on a high and with lessons learned rather than bowing out having made no effort to experiment I think

[madelinel]

Should I stop returning her calls so quickly , say leave till after work ? (we call couple of times every day)
i don't think you should think too much about this.. just return the call when you are free to talk..

Should I agressively admonish her for bad behaviour (quite out of character the other day when she didnt meet me when arranged rather than let it go I told her to 'learn some f***** respect' and it went down quite well, she was shocked but then happy)
Generally women like men who are strong minded and assertive.. don't always give in and compromise.. you need to show her how you feel about her behaviors.. Nice guys don't get laid..

Should I try to make her jealous by seeking other female contact
you shouldn't.. it will just make things worse..and drive her away

Should I be more forecful when it comes to having sex often - how to approach this ?
Maybe you should learn to flirt and talk dirty on the phone or via sms or email during the day.. this will build up the anticipation for the intimacy at night..

[IslandScorp]

If this was real love, you wouldn't be asking the questions that you're asking. Real love and a real relationship isn't about playing games to make the other person jealous or being dominant or trying to act like an alpha male, whatever that is. If you do things for someone out of love, that person if he/she is in love with you would appreciate what you do and want to do things to make you happy. Mutual consideration comes naturally - it's not plotted out and scores aren't kept. If all that you do equates to gestures, as opposed to giving from the heart, then I see a problem. Nice dinners and expensive gifts mean nothing without emotional depth. Throughout your entire story, you don't say that you love her. You just seem to see this as an investment in time or some sort of contest that you want to win. And she certainly isn't treating you like someone she's in love with. Instead of playing games, maybe it's time for the two of you to actually sit down and communicate to see if the relationship is one that should be saved.

[michelle23]

OP you should not have to play games or change who you are for any woman to love you. If my bf all of a sudden started trying to be some sort of "alpha" ignoring my calls and cancelling plans or whatever other games your planning-I would dump him.

She fell in love with you, with who you are. Change now and its over.

Why cant you just be yourself. There is nothing wrong with being a nice guy as long as you are not a doormat and have self respect. Women hate men who treat them badly. Why do men find that so hard to believe? Only a minority of women like the so called "alpha" and that is because she is so insecure and has so little self worth that she thinks she deserves to be treated like crap or she is a co-dependent who believes she can tame him or change him which is again down to having extreme low self esteem and insecurity issues.

Your girl has been with you for 5 years. If she wanted a bad boy, you wouldn't have lasted 6 months. Grow up and act your age. These silly games are pathetic

[TheKnowledge]

Yep all makes sense, if it was all normal wouldn't need to do anything. To some degree it seems I am damned if I do nothing and damned if I do change so prob not much point making too much of an effort. Thanks Madeleinel for the practical tips. Interesting to have tried out the forum and can tick this off the list of things to investigate before just giving up. Thanks all.

[michelle23]

Why dont you try communicating with her and being honest about how you feel? You could suggest couples counselling or sex therapy to improve the things your unhappy with. If she refuses to try andmake it work-then your fighting a losing battle. It takes two to make a relationship work

[Wakeup]

I only read the opening post and this is my advice: Forget it. In order to get a relationship back on track, both people have to want it to get back on tract so that you can continue on together. When only you want to get it back on track then you're just wasting your time, money and emotions.

Frankly, I don't know why you don't just leave her. She sounds like a cunt.