One sided love

[LolaHiggins]

***Before reading this please know that it will be quite long, soppy, and very awkward & embarrassing for me to write. This forum has helped me so much in the past, and I just don't know where else to turn with this problem. Thank you for taking the time to read it. (Names have been changed for privacy reasons)***

I've been in love with my childhood best friend Tom for a good 5 years or so now (although I've always had a little 'crush' on him since I was younger). I first met Tom when my parents and I moved next door to his family and we became best friends from the ages of 4-10 along with his younger sister Emily. When I was 10 years old my parents split up, which meant I had to move away to the other side of town and no longer had my best friends. Shortly after my parents divorce, Tom's parents got divorced too, and his Mum got together with my Dad. This as you can imagine, makes me feel even more uncomfortable about the feelings I have for Tom (even if we aren't even related by marriage).
We've never lived together in these 8 years, barely even seen each other (other than for dinner once a fortnight or so and a two week holiday away each year), but I just can't seem to get him out of my head no matter how hard I try. Nobody knows about this strange situation other than myself, so I feel like i'm carrying this huge ridiculous weight on my shoulders that is making me feel absolutely terrible.

Fast forward to 2013 and Tom is currently off about to start his second year at University (he's 19, i'm 18) and I think about him CONSTANTLY. I miss him so much that my heart feels like it's in bits, and whenever I see him when he comes home at holidays it's like the weight has been lifted and I feel like I could do anything around him; My chronic anxiety seems to disappear when I'm around him and we get on so well.

Last summer before Tom left for Uni, he and I were together for a week or so doing a project for my Dad and it was just like when we were younger. We got on like a house on fire and I'm pretty sure there was a bit of flirting going on (unless guys telling you that you have nice lips, complimenting your personality traits and noticing a hair cut you got a week ago is normal conversation?). That whole week I didn't have a single panic attack or get anxiety once (which is a really big deal for me), I felt on top of the world.

However, when he went to Uni a week later, he met a girl called Georgia and has been 'seeing' her ever since. Apparently they're not an official couple, but they will be house sharing with two of their other friends come September which I think is why they're not getting 'official', incase it doesn't work out.
I can tell how happy Tom is at Uni and would never even dream of doing anything to mess with him or any relationship he may get into, but seeing him with someone else is absolutely killing me. Missing him is killing me; I've barely even spoken to him since May.

So here is my question:

How do I possibly get over this awful heartache? I understand that I'm only 18, but I'm quite beyond my years and am 100% certain that this is definitely not a phase or anything of the sort.
Even if I can't be with Tom in the way I want to because of the fear of rejection, do I let him know just how much I miss having him as my friend? How?
Or do I just leave him be and carry on feeling the way I do?
I don't feel that I can share this with anyone close to me as it's so embarrassing for me, and I almost definitely don't have the confidence to let Tom know how I feel about him because I'm so scared of what he might say.
I don't know whether to send him a message telling him that I miss him or not, he's often quite bad at replying to people, and if he doesn't get back to me I just know that I would end up feeling even worse and even more anxious.

Please help me, I don't know how to deal with this anymore, I feel ridiculous.

[AJones11]

Aww this sounds like the sort of situation I'd get my heart into! your not alone!

I think if you do ever admit to him how you feel, its best to wait for him not to be seeing someone else, because even if he does feel the same way, he will feel very confused, sometimes when you feel this way about someone the best thing you can do is let them go, even if it is the hardest thing for you to do, who knows, it could end terribly with this girl, when he realises that its not as good as the bond you two share? only time can tell. I feel that by letting him do his own thing for a bit your never going to truly lose him anyway because of your parents being together so you will see each other, but then thats another massive issue we have to address, can you start a relationship with someone who could potentially be your brother in law? I know its extremely hard for you to think this way right now, especially after you have this life long bond with him and he helps with your anxiety, ive been there, but you have the capacity to feel this way about someone else, and it maybe the best thing for you to find this other person.

I don't feel that there is anything wrong with saying that you miss him as a friend, and in terms of how, just a start a conversation with him? Just say, hey I miss you! we should chat more, if he begins to start conversations with you more often, you will know he feels the same. I know your scared but from my experiences I have let thoughts haunt me for weeks/months and not said anything to someone, and when I finally have, even if I've heard the answer I didn't want to hear, its a massive weight off my shoulders and ive felt better for it, I'd at least talk to him.

I hope this helps

[Millie]

OP, what is it that you're embarrassed by, the fact that you have feelings for Tom or the fact that the step-brother/sister thing makes things complicated and is something people would feel they had some sort of odd right to comment on simply because it's not ideal? If it's the former then that's one thing, but if it's the latter then honestly you really should put all romantic thoughts of him out of your head. Those circumstances are never going to change - even if your dad and his mom parted you would always be two people who were step-siblings for however long, and people love nothing more than to make a big deal out of crap like that. Right now declaring your feelings would be a terrible idea, in that he has a girlfriend, and I know you have no intention of doing that, but at some point down the line if things change - his situation and you become more confident - then you never know... however if you're not strong enough to deal with the family situation it's a non-starter, relationships are tough enough without going in to something when you're beaten before you started.

[4 ratties]

You haven't talked to him since may, he lives far away, he may have a girlfriend, and you see him a couple times a year. As much as you think you know him, you really don't. People change alot over the years. Especially from 10-19. Hang out with some friends and guys from your area and move on.

[VerticalMoon]

You may not like what I have to say, but I'll be blunt here. He's going to be living with a girl that he's involved with. That girl isn't going to be out of his life anytime soon. You really shouldn't be starting or pursuing a relationship with him. You need to realize that he's out of contention.

I wouldn't talk to him about missing him as a friend. Your feelings are already way too involved here, and talking to him about them could make things more intense. The more you distance yourself from him, the better off you'll be.

That doesn't mean you have to be miserable over him. There are ways to get over somebody in a situation like this. The first step is admitting you can get over the person. That's not saying that what you felt for him was just a phrase. But people can love somebody with all their heart for many years, be married to the person, have the person die, and still let go of the pain. So no matter what this is, you can move past it. Of course, it's never as simple as just SAYING you want to move on. But try to think of any flaws you can find with the guy you liked. Open your eyes to the world around you. Focus on other people and other attractive guys. Believe that there are other sources of happiness waiting for you. The more you practice shifting your thoughts and being happy, the easier it will become. If you really can't do it on your own, then it may be a good idea to seek the help of a professional therapist. Good luck!