Are you supposed to be genuinely happy?

[Withergar]

Hello,

First time posting here and I feel sort of stupid asking this question as the answer seems obvious but I have found myself for quite some time being plagued by this idea. Are people in long term relationship be it marriage or anything else genuinely happy... like really truly? The seemingly obvious and morale boosting answer is that yes of course people really love each other and feel a really genuine sense of happiness but it is sort of hard to explain what I am trying to get across. When I was younger I really fell in love with a certain girl (I am male by the way) and I really felt for her and I felt that if we were together I would feel truly genuinely happy and I felt my heart ache thinking about her or when I was with her, unfortunately she had no interest in me beyond friendship but what I felt for her was really strong, this I assumed was a feeling of love but feeling this strongly for somebody is truly rare and the chances of meeting somebody who feels the same way about me seems catastrophically low and I can only assume that this situation is applied to everybody so ultimately we are all 'settling'? There is next to no chance that the person you are in a relationship with is somebody who you truly love with all you heart, it is more likely that you have just settled for somebody who happens to feel something for you. This idea has weighed heavily on my mind for a long long time and I am currently in a relationship but I just don't feel very happy in it but I feel like I have no real choice almost, the chances of meeting 'that girl' is next to impossible so I am relegated to just take what I can get. Does everybody bar a lucky few go through this their whole lives? Do we all just put up a sort of facade saying how happy and in love we are when inside really we aren't?

The only sort of analogy I can think to compare this to is if you are watching a television program about unplanned pregnancy there will usually be a point where the creators of the program interview the father for example and they ask 'so do you regret having this child?' of course the father will give a resounding 'No' and he will claim how great the whole thing has turned out to be and how happy he is with it all... but what bothers me is 'well... he would say that wouldn't he? He is obligated to say that', inside he could be harboring untold amounts of regret and hate but he cant express that as he would be seen as a 'bad person and a bad father' etcetera so he has to for the rest of his life put up a facade to cover up his unhappiness and nobody else in the world knows the truth. Could this perhaps be happening all around us everyday? Almost like some kind of grand conspiracy? Everybody will say 'I am happy in my marriage' because they are obligated to...

Can anybody say anything to relieve me of this notion? I once posed this question to a mental health counselor and they simply couldn't answer the question. What do you guys think of what I have said? Are there people out there who feel for their long term partner what I felt for that girl years ago and whose partner feels the same? Sorry for the Wall of text.

Thanks.

[basilandthyme]

Withergar, I've been with my partner for 21 years. I still look forward to him walking in the door every evening.

[basilandthyme]

And I should add: that façade you describe is how I felt towards the end of my first marriage. It took me a long time even to admit to myself that I was unhappy. So having experienced what you describe, I can tell you that it can be much better.

[Withergar]

Do you really though? I have no way to read your mind and if it is true then a really really envy you. I have just been in a sort of dark place this last while, I am unhappy in this relationship and I feel I cant escape, she is incredibly clingy and says very strong things that guilt me into never leaving and at the same time she complains about me all the time and is insanely jealous and suspicious, checking my phone, I can hardly see my friends without her complaining, I cant do anything new and interesting with my life, I cant even get a job while I'm with her as she goes mad at the idea of me not being as available... it has eaten away at me for quite some time and I think it has negatively coloured my views on relationships and women in general.

[basilandthyme]

Yes, I really do feel this way. There is a secret to it: you need to be ruthless when dating. If someone doesn't meet your needs, you dump them and start dating again. It's about not settling for someone who drives you nutty and thinking that this is as good as it gets. And it's about not wasting time with the wrong person while missing opportunities to find someone who's more suited to you.

If you want to find contentment, start by dumping the whining bitch you're with. Mate, you really need to man up.

[Philip123]

I'm up and down with my wife, some great periods, some tough, but all in all it's worth it.

Also depends on what you're looking for from a partner:

http://www.lifed.com/9-qualities-to-look-for-in-a-life-partner