Avoiding a Fizzle!

[csandiegooo]

I met a guy through OkCupid about two weeks ago who lives in the city I am about to move to. We hit it off and started texting and planned to meet up last weekend, since I would be in the new city for a few days just to move some things. Anyway, the texting was non-stop, all very sexual and very chatty.

We met and it was even more incredible! I felt a really intense connection with him unlike I've felt with many in the past. We spent the day/night together and then the rest of the weekend we were too busy to see each other again. Yet, he kept asking me when I would be back, and talking about how he wanted to see me again and so forth. Bascially, it seemed like he was looking for something to become serious, and I am very much on the same page with that.

Yet, since I have been back home a "waiting period" has started. It will be about 20 days total (now 15) until I actually move and therefore will be able to see him again. Our texting has hit a serious lull in quantity and in general I am just really worried about having this burn out before it even gets the chance to start! As you can imagine, we don't know each other well at all and so there's not much to text about--everything feels like it needs to be saved for a face to face conversation. A lot of the really sexual things we texted before we met I assume have fizzled because now we've actually experienced each other sexually and the buildup to that is over.

Basically, I am just at a loss to maintain something that feels like it has so much potential in just two weeks--but I feel like these two weeks are going to create a big awkward bump!! Help!

[michelle23]

You shouldn't have slept with him on the first date. I'm not saying he used you or anything-maybe he was serious but you really cant trust a guy you met on the net until you have spent quality time getting to know each other face to face. Did you discuss commitment with him? Did you tell him what you are hoping to get from this?

Has he stopped bothering or is it that you have both ran out of things to talk about? Maybe you should ask him does he want to meet for coffee when you get there? You could talk then about dating and find out if you are on the same page.

I wouldnt sleep with him again though until you are sure he wants this to go somewhere. Tell him you feel it may have been a mistake or too soon and now you just want to get to know each other and figure out if this is going somewhere

[Millie]

I agree with Michelle, it was a bad idea to have sex with him, not necessarily because it was the first date, nor because you met him on the internet, more because you were always leaving after that weekend, so you were never going to be able to build up any kind of sexual connection beyond that one night... rather than it be the beginning of something it probably felt more like a one-nighter, which is a shame. The fact that you are counting the days until you go back and yet make no mention of him being excited for you to return is worrying, surely?

Bottom line, I'm going to suggest that having sex with a guy you don't know well enough to even maintain a text conversation with after the event is a bad idea. Sorry I can't be more positive or helpful but I think you're really just going to have to wait it out and see how things feel once you're back there. Good luck!

[smackie9]

Since you really don't know this dude all that much, It's possible he got what he wanted, and now it's possible he has been still searching for some new action on the dating site. Yes I agree you should never have slept with the guy without actually dating him in real life. You can't count texting as dating, so ya you only had one date and you think it's going to be serious....well you could be seriously wrong about that.

[Wakeup]

Yes, I agree with the others re: sleeping with him before you even knew what was going to happen with the two of you. All the mystique is gone now and he has probably lost the adventurous nature of his original pursuit. Now, if he keeps the chat/text/emailing going he's going to give you the impression that he wants a relationship with you when it's rather clear that he does not. (I think he's still be enthusiastically in touch and looking forward to your move date if he wanted that)

Live and learn. You did have him wear a rubber, right?

[csandiegooo]

You shouldn't have slept with him on the first date. I'm not saying he used you or anything-maybe he was serious but you really cant trust a guy you met on the net until you have spent quality time getting to know each other face to face. Did you discuss commitment with him? Did you tell him what you are hoping to get from this?

Has he stopped bothering or is it that you have both ran out of things to talk about? Maybe you should ask him does he want to meet for coffee when you get there? You could talk then about dating and find out if you are on the same page.

I wouldnt sleep with him again though until you are sure he wants this to go somewhere. Tell him you feel it may have been a mistake or too soon and now you just want to get to know each other and figure out if this is going somewhere

It was me who initiated the sex, if it makes any difference. Though I guess it doesn't, haha.

While I didn't discuss commitment, he talked about relationships and not wanting a one night stand multiple times, so that's positive I hope.

I feel like it's not that we've run out of things to talk about, because there is still a lot we share with each other when we do text (basically texts have de-escalated in quantity as opposed to quality) but it does feel like the getting to know you part should happen face to face, like you said, and therefore it just feels weird to have big talks via text when we would rather be in person, if that makes sense.

Your last idea though really helps--I wouldn't call it a mistake, but the next time we are together I will say that I want to get to know him more and don't plan on continuing things if it isn't heading anywhere.

[csandiegooo]

I agree with Michelle, it was a bad idea to have sex with him, not necessarily because it was the first date, nor because you met him on the internet, more because you were always leaving after that weekend, so you were never going to be able to build up any kind of sexual connection beyond that one night... rather than it be the beginning of something it probably felt more like a one-nighter, which is a shame. The fact that you are counting the days until you go back and yet make no mention of him being excited for you to return is worrying, surely?

Bottom line, I'm going to suggest that having sex with a guy you don't know well enough to even maintain a text conversation with after the event is a bad idea. Sorry I can't be more positive or helpful but I think you're really just going to have to wait it out and see how things feel once you're back there. Good luck!

I agree that because I'm not there it does give it a certain sense like we are connecting with a one night stand, though even before we had sex we talked about when I was coming back and how we wanted to spend time together otherwise. He has expressed excitement about my return both when we were together and in text afterward, but I guess it's acceptable he's not texting me every day with some sort of countdown, haha. I almost just wish there was no pressure to maintain anything during this period of time, and we could just pick up where we left off when I do get back.

Don't be sorry, though, you're definitely helpful and I appreciate your insight!

[csandiegooo]

Since you really don't know this dude all that much, It's possible he got what he wanted, and now it's possible he has been still searching for some new action on the dating site. Yes I agree you should never have slept with the guy without actually dating him in real life. You can't count texting as dating, so ya you only had one date and you think it's going to be serious....well you could be seriously wrong about that.

Well I hope it's a positive sign then that the day after we were together he shut down his profile on Okcupid, haha!