Hi, i have to say as im typing this now i am in a deep state of depression, and while the girl hasn't helped, she is by no means the original catalyst. I suffered for years from low self esteem and seeing this girl last night (my friend with benefits) indeed confirmed that. Ive always considered myself an okay looking guy but recently ive been so overly concerned with my looks in a negative way, that it tends a strong impact on determining my mood. This girl ive been seeing looked stunning last night, and she's nice enough, but i know she's a user. To be fair ive been playing the field the entire time ive known her anyway. But i believe my feelings towards her developed more than i thought possible. due to my recent struggle with depression its lead me to not going out much (last few months). So in turn i was unfortunately resting all my hopes on this one very unreliable girl. Stupid i know, but whats a 21 year old guy to do when he has a gorgeous girl at his beckoned call to help make him feel better about himself. Or at least i thought so.
The night backfired, i took her to a few places in mayfair and just wasnt acting myself. I was overly friendly buying her whatever drinks she wanted, without a care in the world for money. I just wanted her to have a good time, on the contrast she didn't. I was staying over at hers and she had to get up early anyway to catch a plane so i think with that playing on her mind she was a bit reluctant to drinking, i was nervous anyway so overcompensated by drinking too much. The night ended with awkward sex, where we clashed heads accidentally. While i laughed she got really upset and refused to talk to me. I acted like the sorry arse loser i have been and just kept asking her if she was okay and if she needed anything. anytime during the night i tried to cuddle her she took my arm off her, and eventually i was sick in her toilet. Talk about a rough night. This morning ive never felt like such shit. I was pissed off with her but never expressed it on the night. She kept changing her mind about things and it bugged me a lot, but i kept a happy face anyway. Why, i dont have a f***ing clue. Sex is something that ive always been very confident with, but that experience knocked it badly. Her reaction to it and general mood all night has knocked my confidence and judgement of women in general, and i just cannot stop thinking about the night. Why? after all this did i end up getting attatched to the wrong girl? i knew she was bad news but obviously i seem to favour looks over personality in her case because shes dead boring, and i was always convinced she was lovely.
i dont know what to do, ive had a lot of issues with myself recently and im starting to believe that continuing to have this girl in my life is making more problems than its solving. ive known her for about a year now and we only meet up occasinaly, but last night i do feel was definately the worst experience ive ever had with a girl. And now as i sit here typing this thread everything reminds me of her and im struggling to deal with it.
if anyone can give me advice on what they think about this and what i should do then thank you