6 Month Marriage Plagued With Issues

[Idlewild80]

First time writing for advice online and please bare with me. This may turn out to be longer than I expected but I have no one to talk to and feel like I have lost myself completely and heading for a breakdown.

I have been married for 6 months to someone I loved completely and felt connected to all levels.We dated for about a year, he proposed on my birthday, we had the most beautiful wedding and everyone thought we were the perfect couple. I think even I bought into our own myth it and was so confident in our love. We loved spending time with each other, he was kind, sensitive and got me and all my quirks. I truly felt I didn't have to put a facade and when my walls were up in the beginning of the relationship, he broke them down, pursued me and made me feel so special.

Given we are Asians and staying with our folks and I am a little conservative when it comes to sex, we didn't have full-fledge sexual relationship. However, we had slept together before the wedding a couple of times, and whenever the opportunity arose couldn't keep our hands off each other and i felt the passion and desire. We couldn't wait to be married and start our futures together. He is 35 and I am 30, so we did get married because we wanted to be together with each other.


However, just few days post the wedding, I noticed a change in his behavior and one night he said " being married is a shock to my system" which I misheard as "being married to you is a shock to my system". Of course I was hurt but didn't say anything, but became sensitive. During the one month honeymoon, things just took a turn for the worse, he wouldn't have sex with me, would be restless at times, downright mean by saying stuff like "you are not experienced enough", "you have put on weight, after the wedding (one kg)", "you are a dead fish in bed, while I am a rockstar" . " now that I see you everyday I am less attracted to you", all on my honeymoon. Insisted I go on the pill as he didn't want to use condoms, which I did even though it didn't suit me etc. I just couldn't believe where this meanness was coming from and told him one day. He felt ashamed but it was heart-breaking for me, even though now he admits it was passive aggressive behavior from his side, as marriage wasn't something he was ready for and my smallest habits and behaviors were getting exaggerated in his head. The everyday drinking on the honeymoon wasn't helping.

Honestly my heart broke as this was not what I expected. And even though he apologizes for his behavior and admits he wronged me I still am deeply hurt. He later on admitted after I found a lot of porn on his website, that he was addicted to it and masturbating almost daily for the last 5 years (he was not in a relationship) before he met me and that normal intercourse has become tough. He was also drinking heavily before he met me and is a smoker. All these things have also taken a toll on him. He promised to see a therapist, which he has not, though I know he has really cut down on porn and masturbates less. But the point is our sex life still has not taken off and its frustrating me. Yes, the fighting and my hyper behavior doesn't help either. He says the issues are being addressed, but he doesn't communicate on how.

To top it off the last month has been tough on me as I am on bed rest because of bad back, which my GP think its because of stress as well. He has been extremely attentive and caring, but a part of me just doesn't feel loved or desired and i don't know what to do. Once we were disagreeing about something and he started saying "shut the **** up whore " and was aggressive in front of his driver. Then last Friday I planned a dinner to our favorite restaurant, put a lot of effort in getting ready (bad back and all) and throughout the dinner he was so unfocussed and distracted. When I asked him he said nothing and after 10 minutes started egging me on. He wanted to pick a fighting, started becoming louder in public and when I told him to tone down the cuss words he started saying "shut the **** up bitch" and "I will call you whatever names I will". I left the restaurant took a cab and stayed at a hotel that night. I am not use to being verbally abused especially in public. He was distraught the next day and apologized and was ashamed. Blamed it on nicotine withdrawals.

Post that I told him firmly I will not take any kind of abuse and if he has an issue with me or marriage I would like him to tell me and not be so aggressive about him. He epitomizes the MR NICE GUY and no one including my family would believe me that someone who use to be so nice and chilled out, can treat me like this.

I have also told him not to drink every night before bed (a beer or a whiskey) and cut down on smoking as he is also snores and I don't get to sleep. The doctor has also told him the same. But he does this for a week and reverts back to his old habits, which really pisses me off. I feel he is not committed to us being better or healthier and he is the same guy who will do everything possible to make his golf game better, but wont show the same commitment to help us get better. I am not saying he is an alcoholic, but drinking heavy on weekends, and a beer a day is not really helping our cause.

I just feel so frustrated now. I have talked to him screamed at him, reasoned with him, even written to him. The tragedy is that he agrees when he is at fault and promises he will change, but the old pattern emerges again. He is mostly sweet to me, holds my hands, kisses me etc, so we have that kind of intimacy. Involves me in household decisions and listens to me as well. However, I stillfeel hopeless now and it has certainly taken a toll on me physically and emotionally. I have become irritated as an individual, usually on the edge and just cant seem to be motivated enough to get out of this funk.


I feel we are stuck and I resent him now for destroying what we had and that he continue to opt for an unhealthy lifestyle over us. My sensitive and hyper behavior isn't fair to him and the only way I know how to cope up is to become distant and put my walls up. He is a good guy, but I cant shake the feeling off he doesn't truly love me (even though he says he does) or worse desire me which is heartbreaking for a woman. I have always got a lot of attention from the opposite sex and it does something to you, when you know your own husband cant make love to you.

Also let me add, while he is not happy where he is career wise, he has it pretty easy. He is part of a family business and there is no stress and in fact he can also take off and play golf on a working day. I know he wants to do something independently especially since he is extremely intelligent and even an IVY leaguer. But, he should actually do something about and not just mull over his plans. I find it annoying that he can focus on sports, golf, his interests etc, but the same kind of focus or commitment isn't there when it comes to u

[BeaK]

There seems to be many flags here, the real question is, what will you put up with and what will you not?

If his issue with drinking is worse than you let on than maybe it is a little more complicated than just talking about it or even seeing a marriage counselor. He may need to check in with his doctor to see if he is having any issues with his hormones as well as look into rehab. Substance abuse can truly make people completely different. I know this from experience. I won't say that that is an excuse for the behavior because it is not at all. Especially the name calling and disrespect, the is unacceptable but once again you need to ask yourself what you will and will not tolerate. If these are things that you will not tolerate then take the necessary steps to make sure that the behavior stops. If he isn't willing to take those steps then making the marriage work is not going to work out no matter what you do. It has to be a two sided road. Honestly if int he end you want to know that you did all you could then go one step further to actually make the appointments with therapists and maybe have him make an appointment with his doctor. If after all that he refuses to be part of the solution then you need to ask yourself if you want to continue to live your life the way that it is now or if you want to change it.

[Valixy]

Some people say that the first year of marriage can be a pretty difficult one for some couples. Maybe there are cases when the honey moon period finishes prematurely and very abruptly and people begin to reveal some very different real selves then what they showed until then. You are dealing with some very serious issues here and I think that you need to address them until you start seeing a change or this kind of behaviour will only get worse in time and being so rude to you and drinking too much may become a habit. Hopefully your husband will be able to prove to you that he can put the same effort into our marriage as he did during the courtship, even if his posture has changed so much from being a desirable man who was doing everything to conquer you to a person with so many problems. I think that you should fight together with him as long as he as he willing to do the same, but if he isn't, you'll have to reconsider your marriage maybe and your wish to continue with it. The sexual aspect will also need a lot of cooperation, he has been honest with you and you'll need to be patient and work together to find the harmony.

[michelle23]

I think he pretended to be Mr. Perfect and managed to pull the wool over your eyes but now his true self is starting to show and you dont even like this man, let alone love him. You loved who he pretended to be just to get his claws into you. If your looking for permission to leave him, then you have mine. Your flogging a dead horse, hes not gonna change

[danizephyr]

Psychopaths tend to pretend to be someone they're not to lure their potential mates. Also, he's demeaning you in order to feel better about himself. He has more issues than you signed up for. It's not normal for you to be unhappy so soon.

[Ceroc]

I agree, it isn't fair to emotionally abuse you

[Boisdevie]

He was drinking heavily before you married him - but you got married anyway? Are you really that dumb?

[basilandthyme]

old thread guys!

[Adi9626]

Aw, Im soon to be married in two weeks. It's so frightening to see such little disputes. I hope my wife don't deciede she wants to Change me. I understand he is at fault and your pain, however, I see you saying he reverts after a week and you still hassle him, despite marrying and accepting him. You need to put things on hold. I'm not saying he is right. He is so immature and wrong. I'm saying that you won't be able to change him. I so hope I can be a good man to my wife. Bet he wants to be but lacks the skills.