The age old question: men with girlfriends and porn : please help

[Wakeup]

I can wrap my head around honest relationships whatever the dynamic but in this article he is promoting deceit and lies for 2/3 of it. Its only when further challenged that he mentions a thing about open relationships. I have read numerous articles that promote cheating and mention nothing about open relationships or honesty. Articles saying "women need to get over it" etc

Please re-read the artcle, luv... Since you have read numerous articles then please find a ligit source that actually promotes cheating. The one you provided does not.

[dickriculous]

All this sexual liberation is probably just a normal stage after centuries of censure and misconceptions. I doubt the excess is the most refined expression of human sexuality though. When the sexual energies will finally be balanced at individual level, we might rediscover sex as an expression of love and perpetuation of the species.

Sorry for derailing your thread, OP

But what is excessive? That can only be based on one's opinion. Your idea of excess is not the same as, say, Imperial Rome's idea of excess, and their higher levels of sexual activity weren't based on the rebound effect you describe, as there was no censuring back then off of which this rebound effect could even take place.

[horndog]

Michelle,

this is a direct quote from the article:

"I'm not advocating cheating; I'm advocating open and equitable sexual relationships. When both in the couple desire this, when both realize that extradyadic sex makes their partner happy, and they therefore want their partner to have that sex, a couple will have moved a long ways toward facilitating emotional honesty, while simultaneously withering at jealousy scripts, which can be very damaging to a relationship. But if one can't achieve this with a partner that's hostile to the idea, cheating is the reasonable action."

[searock]

Michelle,

this is a direct quote from the article:

"(...) But if one can't achieve this with a partner that's hostile to the idea, cheating is the reasonable action."

So... they are actually condoning cheating, albeit only in particular situations. Wouldn't it be best to break up with the "hostile partner" instead of "reasonably cheating" on them?

[Wakeup]

No they are not. "reasonable action" means that that is what ends up happening when one is wanting variety and the other is not. Its reasonable to him to see why cheating occurs. No where does he say "go out there boyzz and get your dick wet by another" (or anything else that means he's codoning it)

[searock]

No they are not. "reasonable action" means that that is what ends up happening when one is wanting variety and the other is not. Its reasonable to him to see why cheating occurs. No where does he say "go out there boyzz and get your dick wet by another" (or anything else that means he's codoning it)

con·done
kənˈdōn
verb
gerund or present participle: condoning
1.
accept and allow (behavior that is considered morally wrong or offensive) to continue.

He isn't saying "go out there and cheat", but he is saying that it is "reasonable" to cheat. If he's just saying "this is what happens" then okay, he is simply saying it as it is and is not condoning it.

[Wakeup]

No, he is not saying its reasonable to cheat. He is saying that he finds the end result of curtailing sexual variety to be a reasonable ending to that curtailing. It makes sense to him in otherwords.

You can spin this anyway you want to fit an agenda but it still won't make it so this article is condoning cheating.

[Valixy]

But what is excessive? That can only be based on one's opinion. Your idea of excess is not the same as, say, Imperial Rome's idea of excess, and their higher levels of sexual activity weren't based on the rebound effect you describe, as there was no censuring back then off of which this rebound effect could even take place.

Great part of the humanity and the old civilisations inherited the energies of Atlantis - a world that reached self-destruction due to the many excesses of its inhabitants. In contrast with the general confusion and lack of control that dominated around that time, one can place the many Greek initiates like Pythagoras, Aristotle, Plato, Socrates, etc. who marked the real way the humanity should follow towards its evolution and that is not a way that should be paved with sexual excesses

[dickriculous]

Great part of the humanity and the old civilisations inherited the energies of Atlantis - a world that reached self-destruction due to the many excesses of its inhabitants. In contrast with the general confusion and lack of control that dominated around that time, one can place the many Greek initiates like Pythagoras, Aristotle, Plato, Socrates, etc. who marked the real way the humanity should follow towards its evolution and that is not a way that should be paved with sexual excesses

That's a fascinating tale but that's all it is, a tale. There is no proof that Atlantis ever even existed and there is less than no proof that it's giving off some kind of energy for ancient societies.

And if Atlantis ever was real then it's final fate wasn't it's inhabitants fukking each other to the point of mass suicide, it was their island sinking into the ocean never to be discovered again.

Besides, even if I give your tale the benefit of the doubt it still leaves the concept and definition of "sexual excesses" in a limbo of arbitrary bias.

[searock]

He is saying that he finds the end result of curtailing sexual variety to be a reasonable ending to that curtailing. It makes sense to him in otherwords.

Okay, I get it, he meant it as "it's a logical outcome". I still don't get how it can make sense to him that people would prefer cheating to breaking up with a partner they aren't sexually compatible with though. The most reasonable and logical thing to do in that situation would be to break up, not to cheat on the partner.

[Wakeup]

He's not implying that they are unhappy nor sexually incompatible. He is implying that many men are very happy with their wives and the sex, its just that they want other partners to suppliment... more variety. The most reasonable and logical thing to do for you (us) would be to leave but when you're really happy with who you've chosen as your LIFEmate, and your chosen LIFEmate is really happy with you, they don't want to leave one another.

One has to keep in mind that not ALL cheaters cheat because they are unhappy at home or because they aren't getting enough sex from their chosen partner.

[searock]

He's not implying that they are unhappy nor sexually incompatible. He is implying that many men are very happy with their wives and the sex, its just that they want other partners to suppliment... more variety. The most reasonable and logical thing to do for you (us) would be to leave but when you're really happy with who you've chosen as your LIFEmate, and your chosen LIFEmate is really happy with you, they don't want to leave one another.

One has to keep in mind that not ALL cheaters cheat because they are unhappy at home or because they aren't getting enough sex from their chosen partner.

Still, it would be more reasonable to not take the easy way out and just break up with their "lifemates". Surely those people who want sexual variety were very much aware that their "life partners" instead wanted a strictly monogamous relationship, when they first began dating. It's not reasonable at all to start a relationship with someone who doesn't share your views on commitment and sexuality, and it's even less reasonable to cheat on them once your original mistake creeps up on you. Two wrongs don't make a right, they should fix the original mistake by ending the relationship instead of damaging it with lies. This is what seems most reasonable to me.

[michelle23]

This article proves nothing though. It was done on 120 young men in college whjch makes the whole thing biased and done just to prove HIS agenda. And much of it does imply that cheating is okay. He also implies that men crave variety due to watching porn.

"Honesty is good sometimes, and horrible other times. There are good reasons to lie; it is an essential skill for keeping community and relationship peace. The reason men lie about cheating is mostly because they know that if they ask for permission to have recreational sex: 1) they will be denied 2) after they are denied, they will be subject to scrutiny and increased relationship policing; 3) they will be stigmatized as immoral, and most likely broken up with. Thus, honesty doesn't meet their desires of having both a long-term partner and recreational sex with others.

The way cheating men see it, it's either cheat or don't cheat, but telling their partners they want sex outside the relationship, or telling their partners that they actually cheated, is viewed as a surefire way of achieving relationship termination. When men cheat for recreational sex -- not affairs -- they DO love their partners. If they didn't, they would break up with them".

This last line is basically saying its okay coz HE LOVES YOU.

[Wakeup]

.. Oh ffs ..

It's pointless trying to make you understand anything other then your own prejudice.

*exits stage left*

[Wakeup]

Still, it would be more reasonable to not take the easy way out and just break up with their "lifemates".

I don't think its about taking the easier or the harder way out but rather not wanting to lose the partner they chose to spend the rest of their life with.

Surely those people who want sexual variety were very much aware that their "life partners" instead wanted a strictly monogamous relationship, when they first began dating.

Yes, when the sex was still passionate and less routine then what occurs if two people don't work at that passion.

It's not reasonable at all to start a relationship with someone who doesn't share your views on commitment and sexuality, and it's even less reasonable to cheat on them once your original mistake creeps up on you.

I would assume that these people didn't realize that they wanted new relationship energy until further into their union.
Serial Monogamy seems to becoming more and more popular where they do exactly what you suggest and throw away a relationship soon after that excitement of new relationship engergy starts to wane. Like your thinking that you "love" someone but you're no longer "in love with them." *grinz*

Two wrongs don't make a right, they should fix the original mistake by ending the relationship instead of damaging it with lies. This is what seems most reasonable to me.

Yes, to you but obviously not everyone. The dude in the article is trying to change the part where one must lie and instead help others to perhaps view sex as less important in the entire scheme of life partnerships. He does not condone cheating though.. he just talks about the various dynamic of it and what usually happens (how cheaters operate if you will) when sex is being had, for the sake of it, outside the union.
^^^ That bit will explain what you quoted and thought it meant he condoned cheating, michelle.