The age old question: men with girlfriends and porn : please help

[kal78]

I would imagine this would be a popular question, but I really need advice.



I think my boyfriend watches porn before I get home from work (we live together). When I get home his computer charging light is on, and there have been a few other clues, but that is the one that I mainly notice. He says he never uses the computer anymore (I don’t ask he has just said this) but I can obviously see that he does. The light is never on any other time. We have only lived together a few months and to be honest this is the best relationship and he will be the one. I am 34 and know what’s right and what’s not for me finally. I just have this issue with porn. I guess I should explain why I ever notice the light. My ex, who I was with for 4 years was pretty much addicted although he would never admit. But he admitted he watched it after work to relax and I caught him some other times (left tissue near the computer, etc.) He also never wanted to have sex with me, seemed to prefer porn and had tons of old VHS tapes, dvds, etc, heck I even saw porn stars names written down on a notepad near his computer when we first started dating (this is all my ex, not current boyfriend)



Is this something I am worrying about for nothing? I am extra sensitive and paranoid because of the situation with my ex. I don’t want my current boyfriend to prefer porn and not me. But…is this something worth bringing up? I mean I know I will sound crazy when I say oh I see your computer is charging so you must have been using it, why do you say you don’t use it and were you watching porn. I don’t want it to get uncomfortable in our relationship and I don’t want him to lie, but unfortunately I am overly observant, and perhaps paranoid. Does a guy watching porn mean he doesn’t think you are hot enough and he is not attracted to you, I have heard all the answers before but I’d like to hear from some real guys about this. I’ll also admit my self-esteem is not that high so maybe this is also why I am constantly worrying

[Cerby]

Guys watch porn. You'll need to get over it.

Don't bring the problems with your ex into this relationship, you'll just poison it.

[toknow]

What cerby is saying is completely illogical. Even if everyone did it, which is not true, it wouldn't make it right.

If he really loved you, he would not need to watch porn - you would be the only woman on his mind.

[LifeInflux]

Nope, Cerby is right, guys watch porn... many of them do... it doesn't mean he'll lose interest in you, or he has lost interest in you. Just because he can have sex with you doesn't mean that he doesn't still want his alone time either.

I don't watch much of it, but that doesn't mean I've never watched it in a relationship, and no, it didn't affect the way I acted sexually with my partner at the time.

All men are different... if you like your sex life with your current boyfriend, then don't approach the subject. If you see it being a problem where the sex has dropped off, then you need to talk to him about it. It doesn't mean its a porn addiction as - I know someone - will come in and tell you it is...


There are a lot of ways to address this particular problem... but one way you shouldn't address it is to treat him like he's doing something wrong. Look at your issues with porn specifically, and if you see it actually affecting his life or your sex life. This will happen on a per person basis too, as even if things don't work out with this guy, your next boyfriend may or may not watch porn too....

Your satisfaction in this matter is key... your fear on the matter isn't. I'm not saying you have to live with it, I'm just saying, gauge how big of a problem this is in your current relationship before you address this as an issue.

[surfhb2]

what cerby is saying is completely illogical. Even if everyone did it, which is not true, it wouldn't make it right.

If he really loved you, he would not need to watch porn - you would be the only woman on his mind.

........idiot

[surfhb2]

I’ll also admit my self-esteem is not that high so maybe this is also why I am constantly worrying

Thats a large portion of the problems right there.

[toknow]

........idiot

LOL....You shouldn't be talking to yourself....you know.

[toknow]

No, he is not right and neither is surfhb2 who's brain surfed away before he could respond to this thread....LOL.

Don't get me started on this....

[KaiserFawx]

As it has been so... eloquently put before I got here. Men do, in fact, watch porn as do many women. I can understand your fear on the subject because of your past relationship, but from the sounds of it, other than hiding it from you he has not exhibited any of the other signs of addiction that your ex did.

As for why he hides it, it is not something that anyone would be comfortable with just having out in the open. Please do not take it as you are not enough for him, or that he does not find you attractive. Porn is used for (in my opinion) two things, allowing you to pull out a carnal desire or because he is still discovering himself sexually and porn is an outlet for him to discover what he is into.

Should he begin to exhibit the problems you were experiencing with your ex, then it would be time to approach him. For now, just take solace in knowing that it has nothing to do with you, at all (unless he is trying to figure out how to better please you, than it is about you)

[smackie9]

First off guys masturbate a lot more than women because they have a higher sex drive. Second, sex is not love....masturbating to porn has no emotion attached to it.....it's just to enhance the experience. Having private time is just part of a healthy sex life. If your sex life and relationship is great, then him indulging in porn occasionally isn't an issue.

[IslandScorp]

The issue isn't him watching porn. The issue is that he's lying to you - or at least it seems that way from your post. It's clear that you think he is. And that brings distrust and doubt into the relationship. What kind of relationship is it anyway if you're going to avoid asking about something that's bothering you just because you don't want it to get uncomfortable? Watching some porn may be normal for some men and it doesn't mean that they don't find the woman that they're with attractive. However, him watching it every day before you get home and then lying about it isn't normal or right.

[Lord Darkshire]

No, he is not right and neither is surfhb2 who's brain surfed away before he could respond to this thread....LOL.

Don't get me started on this....

No you don't get started. Let everyone have their opinion please.

[Lord Darkshire]

OP the best thing for you to do is to just talk about it to him openly. If you don't communicate with him about your past experience, he won't understand why you are feeling insecure about it. You both will learn something about each other and will feel comfortable about bringing up other things in the future.

[searock]

If your sex and love life is in no way damaged because of his porn habit, his porn habit is not something you should be concerned about. Most guys watch porn, it doesn't mean they don't love their partners or aren't attracted to their partners. Your ex was addicted to porn, that's different from just watching and wanking off to it but also enjoying a perfectly healthy sexual and love life (which is the case with your current boyfriend unless there's something you haven't told us).

I think you should tell him about your concerns and where they stem from, so that he can understand why you are so upset about something so innocent. Then work on understanding that he is not like your ex and as long as everything is fine between the two of you, you should relax. Watching porn per se is not a problem.

[michelle23]

First off guys masturbate a lot more than women because they have a higher sex drive.

I disagree with this. Its a myth that men have a higher sex drive than women or else me and a large % of the female population are abnormal. Maybe teenage boys have a higher sex drive than teenage girls but when it comes to adults, I would bet that most women have a higher sex drive than most men..

OP I think you are obsessing for no reason. You need to let this go. Even if he was on the computer it doesn't mean he was watching porn. If you really want to know if he watches it or not without making a big deal out of it then by a porn video for couples that you can watch together. If he knows you are not gonna make a big deal out of it than he may be more open to answering your questions.

This man is not your ex. Your ex had an addiction to porn which affected every aspect of his life and your relationship. There is a big difference between watching it occasionally and being addicted. Many men have said they don't even think porn stars are good looking. Its the sexual act and body parts that turn him on when he is watching porn-not necessarily the woman he is watching.

Don't allow this to destroy a good relationship. If your bf told you that you are not allowed to ever masturbate or use a sex toy-what would you think of that? You cant control him or tell him what to do so if him watching porn really bothers you than you are gonna have to find a man who doesn't watch it at all and you are from the US so I doubt you will find many there.. Most people in the US believe that men NEED porn lol which isn't true..