I don't know how to behave right now

[themightycoon]

Hello,

I met this girl via facebook about a month ago, she's an acquaintance of a friend of mine so we had a little chat, comments etc.. and then she went to another country(overseas) for two weeks and I thought not to bother her while she's there, so I wished her a good trip and laid back but she continued writing me, telling me what she did every day, how she liked the places she visited etc.. and I accepted that pace so I wrote her back and that went on for two weeks until she came back to our country.

Then I asked her out, to finally meet in person and she accepted, we went to a coffee place and had a fine talk, then continued to a jazz club where we had a fun time also. The other day we went to the beach together, and that night we went to a club again and made out for the first time. Then I walked her home and I was under the impression that she's very much into me.

That continued for several more days(3-4), we were seeing each other very often but we didn't have 'the talk', we didn't define what our 'thing' was, was it a start of a relationship, or just fooling around.. So one day she started responding a little strangely to me, saying things like 'I'm not sure I'll make it tonight' and 'I'm gonna go out with my sister and friends tonight so I don't know if I can see you tonight at all', so I felt something happening and went to see her and have a little talk.

Then she said she cannot have a boyfriend right now, she doesn't wanna have a relationship right now etc.. so that was a little shocking for me. I asked her if she wanted us to stop seeing each other completely, and she said - "no, I wanna see you just not that often as a bf/gf would see each other". So I said ok, I told her I'm surprised and I told her that I really liked her and I'd like to have her as my girlfriend, but if this is what she wants - then I'm ok with it.

I also said that I don't know exactly how it would work out, I understand that friends with benefits can work fine, but I told her that there can be some strange situations. For example, if I go out with her tonight and then tomorrow night I go out and meet some other girl, I would be totally free to do something with her since I do not have a girlfriend, and yet it would be a little stupid cause I'm seeing her regularly..

She said something like - "I cannot be mad at you for going with others since you're not my boyfriend, but the fact that I don't want a relationship doesn't have anything to do with going with others for me, i.e. this is not about me being able to be with other people, I don't care about other people, I just cannot be in a relationship right now".

So I said - ok, I understand.

Then I laid back a little for two days, I must say I felt a little offended so I wrote her a text asking her to go to our place where we went the days before for a little special private time(it's a quiet beach where no one is around). So she accepted right away, we went there, had a great time, and I noticed after the sex(which did not include the whole thing, it was mostly oral and fingering, sorry for the language) - she started acting like she's more attached to me, hugging me strongly, kissing me continually, so I guessed it's just her reaction to the orgasms, she's feeling happy and it's not a big deal.

But then we went to that place after two days again, same thing happened, I gave her several crazy orgasms so she started acting attached again and she continued that on the way home, holding my hand, hugging my arm, stopping regularly to kiss and hug me etc.. So I felt a little different, like she's really into me.

That was confirmed the other day, when we didn't see each other but she wrote to me the whole day, she wrote me the whole day since she stayed home for some reason. She started sending me stuff to read, some short stories we talked about, some interesting stuff.. The next time she saw me, she gave me a gift - a book that we've talked about.

Last night we had another fun night in another town, but when we came back to our hometown she was not very excited about going to some more popular clubs and places together, it was like she didn't wanna be seen with me.

We also haven't talked about our previous relationships and stuff like that, but I asked some people and they told me she had a three-year relationship with some guy and it ended some time ago(maybe several months up to half a year, I'm not sure).

So I'm thinking:
- maybe she doesn't want to dive into another relationship cause the previous one didn't end well
- maybe she still loves her boyfriend and hopes to be with him, so she doesn't want people to see her around with another guys
- or maybe she doesn't want to be with me in the long run, she doesn't like me that much or she thinks there is not enough basis for a relationship and just wants to have fun for some time

So my friends advised me not to bring up the serious talk again, to just wait and see what she will do, and to act more 'cocky' in the meantime, meaning - not to call her too often, not to be very clingy so she doesn't think I'm desperate.

So that's what I'm doing now, I'm going to another city for work today and I plan on laying low for a while, letting her initiate communication, respond respectably but not to clingy and let her have a little time on her own so when I come back in about a week or so, I'll see what happens.

But I'm guessing things will be the same - she'll behave like she's in love with me when we're alone but she won't want to go to another level.

I also don't want to 'cheat' on her, although it's not really cheating cause she's not my girlfriend. I had two opportunities to go home with other girls during the past week(when I was out with my friends, not her) and I didn't do anything. Some friends called me stupid for that, some agreed with me, so that's why I'm asking you people here.

I think I should also say - I want her to be my girlfriend, I think I want a serious relationship with her. That's my goal.

Thank you for any help cause I'm confused and don't know what to do

[IslandScorp]

First of all, be proud of yourself for not going home with other girls just because they were available and just for sex. That signals to me that you're basically a good guy. Second, I wouldn't judge how a woman feels about you by how she acts after you've given her an orgasm. Emotional satisfaction and physical satisfaction are 2 different things. The physical part might have made her feel satisfied and closer to you temporarily (endorphins you know) but you need to see how she acts towards you when sex isn't involved. If I were you, I'd avoid the beach for a while and ask her to do other things where sex won't be involved. If she balks at that then it might be that she just wants physical satisfaction from you and nothing else, at least for now. Then you'll have to decide if that's enough for you. Doesn't sound like it would be. In any case, relationships tend to be stronger when the emotional part is there first and then the sex. Not the other way around.

[michelle23]

I think your playing with fire and your gonna get burned.. Your not gonna get what u want with this girl. If u are seeing her though-you shouldnt see others. Other people may disagree with me but personally i think its horrible to be sleeping with more than one at the same time and i hate men who use women just for sex..

[themightycoon]

Thank you for your responses. I agree with both your answers, I think I know it's true that she probably just wants to have some fun and nothing more serious. However, I think that there is a possibility she changes her mind, cause those changes in behaviour weren't happening only after sex, I think I mentioned but I'll say it again - the several days after the first night that included sex she started acting differently, holding my hand while we're walking, asking me more questions about myself, she started sending me random texts with no cause, just to stay in touch etc..

This may very well be wishful thinking, but I think in the next week or two she might change her mind.

Do you think I should bring up the serious talk again or just see what happens?

One of my friends suggested that I start calling her just for sex when I get home next week, so then she would feel hurt and used and then we'll see how she really feels.

Those things are not really my style, I'm more straightforward guy that tells it like it is, I don't like playing mind games but I'm starting to like his idea.

What do you think about that?

btw, I'm definitely not going to accept having some secret relationship with her, e.g. if I suggest us to go out in some popular place where everyone will see us and she says no, then I'm gonna end it right there. That's why I don't like to suggest those things right now

[michelle23]

When someone tells you something, you should believe them. I dont want a relationship usually means I DONT WANT A RELATIONSHIP. Sure regular sex could make you both become attached-it usually does but still her heart and body will be telling her one thing while her head tells her another and it will just result in more confusion and mixed signals.

You should have the talk now and if you dont get the answers your hoping for-walk away. There is no point playing games. Stop listening to others telling you to use her or sleep with others. You will just make everything even more complicated while gaining a bad rep and looking like an asshole. Hold onto your self respect and your integrity. Never change who you are to try and grab a girls attention. Just move on if your standards and expectations are not being met

There are billions of women in the world and plenty have no issues or emotional baggage. Plenty are ready to commit right now and have a real relationship with you so go find one and stop wasting time