Broke my heart on her - friendship gone mad - what to (not) do now?

[Laikas]

Hello dears,

I'm really out of my body, mind and life right now. Some years ago I got in contact with a lithuanian girl, some years younger than me. We became good friends, though we never met. This winter she visited me and suddenly, we were in bed together (no sex though, had been virgin and since it was very unsuspected, I didn't want to go too far, possibly damaging our relationship which was great till then). When she left, I noticed I was in love again. Hadn't felt like this in a long time, and so I first just noticed it by observing my behavior. She didn't feel the same way, had also never been in love. However, she began to miss me after she was back in her country. We continued the contact, though everything somehow had changed. I don't even know how it was before we met. Well, after she finished school, she moved to scotland, still lives there now. The feelings from her side vanished quite fast, just mine stayed... and I lost myself stupidly in dreams, in hopes and emotions. She's very alone there in the new city, doesn't have any friends, and some weeks ago she met some random dude, 10 years older than her. First it was normal meeting, she doesn't even find him that special. However, last week she told me how they both got high and had sex... I know, it's such a normal and simple thing, they weren't even emotionally involved and she still has no idea what 'love' means of feels like... but I am destroyed by that. I can't find any silent moment, or rest a bit. Several days I just wander the city and parks, trying not to think, to keep my emotions away, to ignore the pain in my heart and stomach, the feel of freezing in my brain... nothing really works, and I don't feel like me any more. I don't know where I stand, what to do. People close to me don't matter any more, though I tried to occupy me with them, even met many strangers, met other girls. I am not in University any more - not ment literally, I have holidays now - but my mind forgot that I'm a student, forgot that I have homeworks to finish, many texts to write. It's like a bad trip that doesn't cease, I feel insanely mad, like butter spread too much on bread, an all frazzled carpet. She disgusted me, thinking about her being in that way with someone else... I began to insult her just out of the pain, apologized, did all the wrong things one can do. Now we are in contact again. She just wants me as a friend, like I said, we are very close. But everytime I am in contact with her, my emotions go crazy, I feel so lost to that girl. I live in central germany, she is in edinburgh, and I know there is no reasonable chance to be with her, it's a lost cause. But like a salmon I swim upstreams, in a rush of love, forgetting I will die in the shallow waters of the source. I want to set all my hopes in that, to wait, to fight even if it's the most stupid option I have. My first girlfriend... she lived in another country too, treated me loving fool really bad in the beginning though we were also good friends, and I had no chance with her. After one year of suffering, I first visited her. Some time later, we were together. Thinking about that makes this little foolish piece of hope in my heart shine even brighter. I am much older now, and I never wanted to fall for someone like that again, I am more serious. So I rather doubt that this is a right way to go for me. However, my love is very convincing. At some moments I want to not back down, to stay and to try to make it work. Then the pain goes away and I feel confident, having a cause, an aim in my life again. However, reminding myself how hard and lost such trying would be... My heart bleeds and I don't know what to do any more. I would like to visit her, there is enough money and time (though it wouldn't matter if it wasn't). But I guess I would either annoy, scare or just disappoint her with my feelings. Breaking the contact, fleeing doesn't help. She is my best friend (may say much, best friend and contacting mainly over the internet, huh?), so in time of such trouble, I would normally distract me with her - but now she's the 'problem'. That's also why I am contacting you here.
Please, maybe you can give me new perspectives, options, words, hope, tips, or at least distraction.

[pcmaster]

Well sometimes you meet that special girl and she is your everything but things dont work out so great and you realize that girl was just a step to happines, just a learning object, a practice doll, trial and error relationship. Once you met that longterm girlfriend she wont go in bed with you that fast, not with you and not with other guys. You see shes not worth your feelings. You would never do to her what she did to you. Even thinking about her is a waste of time. The problem is that you were so lonely and she filled the gap. Once yo meet girl who is wrth your time you will realise how stupid you were thinking about this slut cause your next girlfriend willl be 100 times better(maybe wont even cheat) and you will see how bad lithuanian girl actualy are.

Just now problem is you dont have with what to combare. Cause LT girl was most that you ever had but you never had much so she was everything. Now shes not even your friend but just a source of your pain.

After 6 months you will be more happy than you ever dreamed about - if you follow these expert suggestions:

1)Cut all the contacts, delete everything that reminds you the past. The past is past and it will never be the same. What matters is this moment.

2)Concentrate on your responsibilities,, studies, hobbies, family. Even if you in pain just ignore it and do like machine what you normaly do without pain. You will learn to control pain and it wont control you anymore.

3)Talk about your pain with real people - it doesnt matter with who you talk - friends, mum, conseling, call a helpline. Just share your pain with someone who listen, someone who cares(writing dont counts).

4)Get in touch with you old dreams and goals before heartbreak, dont stop to live continue life and it will come back to you and feel great again.

5)Make sure theres always people around you - friends, family, schoolmates - just be social.

I feel insanely mad, like butter spread too much on bread

This is the most funny thing I read this week. Good job man !

[michelle23]

Im sorry i didnt read all of it but i think this is a fantasy relationship. She lives in another country and its likely never gonna happen. You should cut all contact with her and focus on meeting someone local

[Laikas]

Thank you for your answers.

I think you both are right. At least, you say things that seem right to be said. The chance for me to be with her is almost stupid to assume, but just almost. Like I wrote, I had it much worse with my first great love. Long periodes of disconnection, of hate for eachother. But in the end, we were very happily together for 3 years, just because I never gave up on her and on what I felt for her.
I know she is worth my feelings, otherwise I wouldn't feel like that for her. Maybe I will forget about all of that, depression and sadness always vanish after some years. And I also sense the danger and insanety in my desire, which makes me think about letting it be, just leaving and surrender. On the other hand, I have this optimism supported lust to fight, to try, to be the salmon.
I can avoid her, try to live without her and just fill the gap in my brains heart with someone else, sure. But my emotions whisper that I should follow her. I can focus on getting where and what I want, which is her. This is not a decision of a few days, it would be one of every day and moment, and maybe even not a decision at all.
Again I thank you for letting me write down my thoughts and commenting them, giving me your advice. I will meditate over it and see who desires more to live, the mad loving martyr or the luck seeking nomad.

PS: locals are cabbage and potatoes, I crave for the purple passion fruit.

[Valixy]

I understand that she made you feel a lot but she never felt the same and planned her life without you. Plus, no matter how much you're defending this relationship, the reality is that is it has been a one sided one and this has made you feel miserable. You should really stop investing your feelings in her and make an effort to accept that things are over and concentrate on your life again. Take little steps every day and you'll see that little by little you'll be able to reconnect with your life and find yourself again.

[smackie9]

OK I hope after two times of being friends, then emotionally invested in a girl you have never met, live in another country....that you have learned that you won't do this method of dating again. Time to date like an adult, meet and ask women out on dates and get to know them on dates, not on the internet chatting for months finding yourself so absorbed in a fantasy you can't escape without intense hurt.

[Laikas]

Ok, enough arguments, I follow. Going crazy is too expensive, emotional, physical, financial.

What should I do now? Date planned for today somehow cancelled, sky got gray and it rains - any suggestions? Would rather like not to feel like shit any more..

[smackie9]

Call up a friend and go for some beers....somewhere it's busy and lively, watch some sports....hell I'm not doing anything, that sounds like a good idea lol.

[Laikas]

Hmh, you have to know: Normally, I am very very introverted. Don't like to go out etc, meet people... maybe this is some change setting for me. Will call everyone I know, it's sunday, but we got enough bars; hell, I live next to berlin ;D

Thank's for your support!

[pcmaster]

Almost forgot ! This video will be help too.

[Laikas]

If I might ask for today again... no one's here, friends are all away or have no time, family left and every piece of reality reminds me of her... I cried half of the day and can't get rid of the pain. Maybe I'm just not used to heartaches any more, but calling or contacting her wouldn't be a right thing to do I guess. I would be really happy about some suggestions, feeling horrible to the death...

[pcmaster]

Get on with your life man. Its the idle time that is most killing. So be busy. There is no girl anymore who gave you energy for life you have to live for yourself now. Inside you are broken but you can rebuild your healty inner world. Its what you do that builds you. All the suggestions are on this page.

[smackie9]

When I'm feeling real down I go for a walk down town.

[Laikas]

I had no real life before... was just waiting for time to pass, no dreams, no aims - especially no healthy inner world to rebuild now, I'm just even more lost than before. But yes, surely I should search for already offered ideas and tips.
Went to town today, but it was rather depressing. Ended up crying in the park, then on some shopping center toilet for an hour. Noticed that sports help a lot, I just train till it hurts and my body gives up. Got really exhausted and tired by that too, so I will be able to sleep soon.
Thank you and have a nice night.

[pcmaster]

Well then simply turn to sports if you do it seriously then you will end up eating 6 meals a day and sleeping at exact same times everynight. You need discipline. The thing is you loved her a lot but now its time to learn love yourself as much. That means smart decisions and taking care like you deserve it.

This can be good for a start - really basic things but makes sense when you read it

/threads/83617-Recovering-a-Sense-of-Worth

Actually when I was in your situation all that helped me was a friend. He wasn my friend from begining but I didnt stop talk with him until he become more friendly and there was sport that we used to do years ago(when we were teenagers) so we decited to try it again and it was lot of fun but we become useless after years of not training. Hes passion was photography and I showed interest and listened and ended up doing photos with camera he gave me and this little hobby was enought to stay focused on life and it made all the diference.

Bottom line is all you need is one friend and it will be much easier. You dont sound like a social person but whatever you passionate about you can find people with same passions(hobbies) and realy connect with them. For example you can go sign up at the gym and start talk with guys just to find out that everyone in sport enviorement are very friendly.
Also whenever you have problems in life and dont know where to start then maybe its not a bad idea to start with your body. Live healty exercise, eat well. And eventualy you will find out that many problems disapears.