His lack of trust is killing our relationship....

[Pusscat]

Hi everyone, thanks for reading this, I would really like some feedback!

I met my SO in March this year, we met online, he was separated from his wife & they were divorcing. He was emotionally black and blue from their split. I was VERY cautious on getting involved with someone who was so damaged. I believed he had officially separated 6 months before I met him, the marriage having been over for several months before he had moved out. We met up for chats etc & after about 6 meet ups, something clicked & I thought, 'WOW this guy is gorgeous!' He is gorgeous, he is also not my normal 'type' but as I always seem to pick losers, thats not a bad thing. We feel like we have known each other forever, however I still take things slowly, I don't crowd him, or rush him etc... He starts leaning on me emotionally, I dont think I even realise at first. He can't cope, he needs a divorce lawyer, can i help him find one? I find him the best, he doesn't go.... After 2 weeks of hell from his ex, he goes but insists I go with him... This is when I find out that actually he 'left' his wife 2 and a half weeks before he met me & really, it seems that their marriage broke down over Christmas & new year with him leaving in the February. He see's my shock, tells me he thought I would run a mile if I knew the truth. There is no doubt this guy adores me, I can see why he didn't tell me, but there is this niggle...
Anyway fast forward 5 months to now... His divorce is now almost through, instead of this making things easier for us... It seems my whole life revolves around supporting him in his divorce, restructuring his company, I'm supposed to be working for him, but he never 'quite' gets it sorted for me... On top of this, he tells me he is insecure and worries we are 'losing our intimacy', I've told him straight, go and get help and sort yourself out... 2 trips to see a shrink, both times he insists I go with him, does he take the tablets they prescribe? Of course not! So he dumps on me, zaps every bit of strength from me, bleeds me emotionally dry...panics and picks fights, walks out saying I knew you wanted out! This has happened at least 8 times... Last time when we were on holiday, I flipped and said NO MORE.. Again he promised to get help, again he hasn't... I am now on new antidepressants...I had been on them for 3 days, they are knocking me out! Yesterday I wake up and just KNOW something is wrong, I dont hear from him all day, I figure he's busy, I text him at 4pm, 'Hey honey, how's your day been?' I get back, 'Fine'... well obviously not fine... i text him again but getting stupid one word answers so I phone him... He says, "You have no idea what happened last night do you?' He's right, I don't have a clue, I was out cold.... He says, 'I left you at 2am because I turned around to give you a cuddle, there was a pillow shoved between us, obviously you dont want me near you, this is how it was with my ex, you've made me feel so insecure I feel like we're losing our intimacy' STUNNED !!! Well for about 3 seconds and then I lost it...We had gone to bed at 11pm, how the hell am I when out cold on meds, supposed to know what the hell is going on with a pillow 3 hours later? This man without saying a word, got up and left, he left the bedroom window wide open, with me out cold, and just left !! We have problems with break ins around here, I never sleep with the window open unless he is here or my dogs are in the bedroom with me...I've told him I give up, he says I don't fancy him anymore, and you know what... He is right... his neediness has stopped me finding him attractive, I don't want to sleep with him, I don't want him in the same town right now let alone the same bed !! I feel poleaxed... am I right just to give up and close the door on him? Can people like this change with help if they want to? Or do they never change? I greatly appreciate all your comments and feedback, Sorry its so long !!
Cat xx

[TablesandChairs]

Hi Cat - an (ex) boyfriend of mine was like this. It's like we're talking about the same person.

Not unlike your man, mine wasn't able to 'cope' with the fact that I had the flu and was tired. I was asleep all day/night for a week and he felt neglected and would actually huff and puff saying 'You're asleep AGAIN?'. I had the flu! That's one example.

Then there was the time I came home from an operation. He was talking to me but I was zoned out on Oxycontin's. He had a go at me for not being interested in what he had to say. I was incredulous. Any other boyfriend would have laughed and said 'Sorry babe, you're high on meds, I'll shut up now' but no, not him. The next day, he wanted us to go to the movies. After an adult tonsillectomy, that's not what you want to do - I was in pain and completely out of it. Again, a normal person would have realized this. Not him.

If I refused sex, he would throw a tantrum. If I ever needed 'alone' time, he would take it personally. If I ever just wanted to watch TV and not engage for a little while, it was a sign that I didn't love him. I couldn't even just go to bed - I had to fall asleep on his shoulder. I tried explaining that I couldn't sleep all night on his shoulder as it gave me a sore neck in the morning. He accused me of being selfish. I was, more or less, a prisoner to his extreme insecurity/anxiety/controlling tendencies and it was the worst relationship of my life.

Oh, and I had to go with him everywhere...he couldn't do anything alone. He couldn't sleep alone, eat alone, function alone. It wasn't really about me and it's not really about you - it's about their need to feed on other people but never getting to the point of fullness. These people are empty - they need other people to keep filling a bottomless void within themselves and even when they see you exhausted and at your wits end, it's not enough.

Sorry, I've ranted! But I truly hate these types of people.

[horndog]

This guy is a mess and is making you a mess too. Why are you still there? You have been with the guy for 6 months and all you have done is exhaust yourself fretting over HIS problems to the point you now need meds. I would bet a dollar to donuts that his ex wife is now the happiest she has ever been because now you get to handle his shit. Don't let him guilt you with all the reasons why you should not leave him, if you stay you will never know happiness in a relationship.

[IslandScorp]

You're not only right to give up and close the door on him - you MUST do it. This type of person is needy, selfish, and will always drain you emotionally and, if you're not careful, financially. I have never seen this type of person change because, frankly, they don't see themselves as ever doing anything wrong. They will definitely not change as long as there is someone in their life that they can lean on and blame for all of their insecurities. Don't feel sorry for this guy - he feels sorry enough for himself. Just leave and eventually get yourself into a healthy relationship where the other person treats you with consideration and respect.

[michelle23]

Get rid of him. He has too many issues to be with anyone right now. Dont let him drag you down with him. Its time to get out now and dodge a bullet. And you have the perfect excuse too coz he left you at 2am so whatever stuff you have belonged to him, put them outside the door and text him saying "come and get your shit off my property today and then dont come back again" If he has keys to your place, get the locks changed and block his number from your phone.

You have gone on anti-depressants since you met this man! he is destroying you so get rid of him and then get rid of the meds and go enjoy your life