I didn't mean to but..

[143]

I think I may have a crush on my teacher. And it frustrates me just thinking about it. :P

As a student who just wants to get through high school with good grades, having crushes is not one of the things I would want to encounter. He is my first crush, and I really wish I didn't like him this way. I don't even feel like I had anything to do with me suddenly having a little infatuation. In fact, I still blame him for making me feel like this because as I see it, it is his fault, haha. I even told myself I wouldn't care about guys and stuff unless I graduated from college.

He's in his mid-twenties probably, and he was my teacher two years ago. At that time, I never saw him as anything more than a teacher, but I'm not blind not to see that he was pretty handsome. Even then, I already thought of him as nice and all but I never went so far as to say I liked him in any other way. I'm pretty sure I've got a crush on him because my memory was never this good to remember so much stuff all at once, lol. Anyway, onto the situation that caused my infatuation.. (It's pretty long, so I apologize in advance.)

It started at the middle of the school year last year. It was a weekend and I was just minding my business being the responsible student I was talking to my classmates about schoolwork on a certain social networking site while doing my other homework. Out of nowhere, I received a message from him simply telling me to smile after warmly greeting me a good morning. I didn't think much of it and just told him that I would. The weekend passed and school came by. Normally, I bear a serious and poker-faced expression because I really did take my studies quite seriously, but whenever we passed each other in the halls, we would exchange greetings and warm smiles. Again, this is a friendly gesture and really, I don't really see anything wrong with it. Days or so passed and at random times he would message me that same thing reminding me to smile and all. One time he even told me that smiling suited me and it made me look better. I smiled at that. I didn't get complimented too often by other people on my looks (it's usually about me being 'so smart' and 'so kind and responsible') so it was something unusual for me. Later on, whenever he would pass by my classroom to head off to his next class, he would look in my room and I see him. We exchange smiles as he passes. (I was in the far corner of the room that time, so I assume it was really me he was looking for or s/t.) Then came a time where our grades were released for the semester. I never told him (I'm not the type to just go ahead and chat with anyone..) but he messaged me one night and just outright praised me for being really good or something of that nature. I wasn't his student at that time, so I had no idea how he knew or anything. Plus the fact that he told me that took me by surprise because teachers I know don't just randomly commend students who they aren't teaching so randomly over a social networking site. At this time I was already starting to have special feelings towards him but I didn't think about it much because school kept me way busy. He never stopped randomly telling me to smile though.

At the end of the school year, I volunteered to help out with the togas and caps of the seniors after their graduation. I assisted in fixing them and stuff after the graduates returned them. Apparently he was part of the group who was in charge of that. At that time my feelings for him were probably the way they are now, I just hadn't realized it yet, I guess, but I was pretty happy he'd been there though being me, I never really initiated much of a conversation anyway. I wasn't the only one to volunteer. I was with close friends who were just about as willing as I was even though I had to round them up so they could come to help instead of abandoning me while they bid their farewells to the seniors. Anyway, I was messing around and tried a cap on in front of my friend. I was just showing her and stuff because it miraculously fit my head, and my teacher apparently saw me and teased that I wouldn't graduate if I try it on. It wasn't the first time he teased me, but I really didn't mind. He was just messing with me probably. At the end of the day, I logged in and I guess he saw me online so he thanked me for helping out. I wasn't the only one who helped out, but apparently I was the only one he thanked through a message (lol, ok).

Then that summer I finally admitted to myself that I had a crush on him even if I didn't want to have on in the first place, I couldn't help it. When I thought he wouldn't send me another message after that one, I was mistaken. In the middle of the vacation, he messaged me saying that he believed in me and that he knew that I was capable of being number one (or s/t) when I graduated in the next year. As much as I wanted to believe him, I knew it would be tough. He told me he'd help me, but this summer, he advised me to just take a break. And I felt even more infatuated than I was even though I knew it was beyond impossible that he would have feelings for me. (Maybe I was just his favorite student all of a sudden.. even if he didn't teach my class anymore.) Later on he messaged me again just asking how I was and stuff and that was the end of it. The school came..

My classroom was way far from the offices now, so I rarely see him pass by. But there were at most three times when he passed by and we exchanged smiles while I sat in the classroom. We still do exchange smiles and say hi and stuff, but for some reason it didn't seem to be the way it used to. (Maybe it's just me. I look too deeply into things, lol.) Then there was this one time I was with my friend looking for another teacher in the office where he stayed when he didn't have a class. I stayed literally behind my friend while he talked to the teacher. I wasn't actually paying attention to the teacher because she wasn't even addressing me, so I just let my gaze wander. And I saw him. He looked as if he was looking for something, and when he saw me he did a little waved and smiled at me mouthing 'hi. so naturally I smiled at him and stuff as I normally would. But my heart just skipped a beat right there (lol, no joke though). That same day my friend and I passed again and he was, I guess, talking with other teachers when we passed. But I guess he saw me so we smiled at each other as I passed. (so tiring to type this all down, T_T but I can't stop now.. :() Often times just recently would I see him with a girl just about younger than him (I'm not jealous, really. I actually support them, lol.) go have lunch together, go to the mall together (I live near a small mall and I often see them hang out there) and even go to Church together (I don't stalk. Coincidentally, I just see them there because I go to those places a lot too..). We all exchange smiles and stuff because we all know each other have spent at least a bit of time with each other so yeah. But he smiles at me just the way he does in school (sometimes seemingly brighter when I catch him by himself at the mall). At the time, I decided I should just forget that I had a crush on him and just look at him the way I should - as a teacher because obviously, I'll get nothing out of that. (except it pushes me to do better so I could make him proud of his student and I want to graduate at the top of my class too.. he just motivates me to make an even bigger effort.. sorta)

Later on, (I'm not finished. I'm so sorry.) I was tasked to assist the students and stuff while the whole high school had an assembly for a talk. Lucky for me, I was assigned in the level he taught at.. But they ran out of seats so we (those who were tasked to watch over students and stuff) had to remain standing so others could take our seats. While it was happening, a kid fell unconscious because he had a hard time breathing. That teacher was there while I was just in shock. He lifted the kid bridal style (with another teacher supporting the child's back) and placed him on a wheelchair. I volunteered to come with the student to the nurse bringing his stuff. Later that day, just when I thought the drama was over, another student (his student) fell down the stairs face flat.. I was stunned. Luckily, the people I was with knew about first and and stuff so I let the man the situation while I dashed to alert the nurse sort of in a panicky way (not a good idea imo). When the nurse and I were just about to bring a wheelchair to the child, the girl who fell down the stairs was brought on a stretcher carried by him and several other people I knew. (I felt so useless :() She suffered some cuts and bruises, and I really don't know what happened (I'm just glad she was taken care of right away), but I have to go back to the story. At the end of that long and eventful day, I just started thinking of how much more amazing he was after seeing him help out on his own will and I realized, it would be way tough for me to get over this crush.. (I mean, I don't know much people who could even come close to the person he is.. that, or I'm just crushing on him so I think like this, lol.)

Anddd (This is the last part; I'm almost done. I promise.) even more recently, he messaged me again. I didn't think he would because he hasn't done so in a long time.. but he did and I was surprised. It was just the usual hi hello at first, but then he carried on the conversation asking me stuff about what course I'd take and stuff right until the moment when he excused himself to run some errands. He hadn't forgotten to remind me to smile though. I don't know why he's like this to me, but how I wish I knew because it is killing me to know. I mean, what could be his reason? asgkalsfd There are still details that I didn't mention like (lol mentioning it now tho) the fact that he likes my profile picture every time I change it. He's even more consistent then my friends.. :P

If you'd be kind enough, please assess my situation and just give some feedback in general. I'd much appreciate it. And thank you so much for reading this through. I just really wanna get it off of my mind without anyone knowing my identity and stuff because this kind of situation isn't something I can easily share with everyone.. so yeah. :/

[searock]

Wow - a guy in his early twenties actually gets to be a teacher somewhere in the world? Sigh.

Anyway, it's just a crush. It happens all the time. Make sure you don't see each other outside of school settings and don't talk with each other about anything not strictly pertinent to school. Believe me, you do NOT want to get involved into anything else with a guy so old for you. Focus on guys your age - or if those ones are too immature for you (I remember the feeling), it's better to be alone for the time being than to be with a guy much older than yourself. You will have plenty of time to meet wonderful guys your own age once you're in your early twenties.

The way he is contacting you and singling you out is very inappropriate btw. I know that it makes you feel special and all warm and fuzzy that such a wonderful mature man actually sees you (especially since as you said you're not the typical cheerleader kind of girl that gets tons of attention from teenage kids), but as sad and wrong as it may sound to you, he is actually just doing it for his own advantage. It's pretty sick for a guy that much older than you to want to have a "special connection" with you (it would be ok if he were your relative, but he's clearly not). Be aware and don't get too close to him. As I said, you will have plenty of time from your early twenties onwards to meet wonderful sweet cute guys your own age that will be into you. Of course the average teenage kid will be drawn to the typical "hot" teenage girl, but that's just an immature phase that most guys get over with once they reach their early twenties.

[143]

I don't plan on having a relationship with anyone, so don't worry, haha. Thanks for reading through this whole thing. Didn't think anyone would really. Thanks also for the advice and a different perspective on the situation. I don't really know if he's looking at me that way though. Even before, he was already the kind approachable kind of person. He never seemed to be crossing any boundaries other than being slightly closer to me than with other students. But then again it mifht just be me saying this because of my crush, lol. I don't know how accurate you are with the things you said, but I'd like to keep it in mind.

[searock]

Well I have that perspective because I went through a very similar thing when I was about your age, and I ended up taking the wrong decisions. Keep your distance from this man, no matter if he has bad intentions or not. Don't get too close.