Why don't girls pursue guys?

[mikedoug]

Back in the 80's, I was always advised to play 'hard to get'. Though I always ignored the advice because I figured that if I played games, I might miss out on a great guy. But then again, you're talking with a woman who doesn't believe that the timing of a marriage proposal should all be on the man's terms.

For what it's worth, it's not all girls playing hard to get these days. My 14yo daughter is very feminist and determined that she can do anything a boy can - so she will ask a boy out. Actually, she did ask out a boy who was in her class - apparently he was showing all the signs of being interested: Talking for ages, playing guitar together, similar interests. But he freaked and the friendship is now ruined. It's not just boys who are getting rejected.

Well I think it's great you raised her that way. I agree, many girls are taught it's bad to pursue guys, but how can it be bad to pursue what you feel inside is right, especially when it comes to love? It's really disappointing girls feel they have to act this way.

[mikedoug]

A lot of girls are told since childhood they should be reserved and not aggressive to pursue guys. This is a gender issue. However, if the girl is willing to make the first move approach the dream guy, she will surprised the guy is not that difficult to approach the guy. she just need to initial the first move and let the guy know she is interested in knowing him, not chasing him.

Honestly as a guy, it is such a huge turn-on when a girl you fancy chases you. One of the greatest feelings in the world. Why do girls think guys don't like to be chased?

[basilandthyme]

Honestly as a guy, it is such a huge turn-on when a girl you fancy chases you. One of the greatest feelings in the world. Why do girls think guys don't like to be chased?

Because we keep being told that men want to do all the chasing. Even men give women this advice. Have a look around on message boards and you'll see this message so often - being given by men and repeated by women.

Now, while that advice may be true for many guys, I simply don't believe that ALL men have the need or desire to do all the work. I've known a few shy guys who needed a bit of help along the way.

[mikedoug]

Because we keep being told that men want to do all the chasing. Even men give women this advice. Have a look around on message boards and you'll see this message so often - being given by men and repeated by women.

Now, while that advice may be true for many guys, I simply don't believe that ALL men have the need or desire to do all the work. I've known a few shy guys who needed a bit of help along the way.

Oh, well ladies, just know guys have emotions and feelings just like you. We fall in love just like you, feel happy and sad just like you and want to be wanted and desired just like you. Most guys don't like to admit this cause they're too much of a pussy, but it's the truth

[basilandthyme]

Oh, well ladies, just know guys have emotions and feelings just like you. We fall in love just like you, feel happy and sad just like you and want to be wanted and desired just like you. Most guys don't like to admit this cause they're too much of a pussy, but it's the truth

I have no doubt that you're correct

[lalalita]

To quote a meme - "Chase you? I don't even chase my liquor."

[mikedoug]

Yet you probably expect the guy to chase you when you haven't showed any interest in him....double standard anyone??

What I'm saying is if a guy saw you on the street and was attracted to you and wanted to meet you, but you hadn't seen him yet, you'd probably want him to come up to you so you could meet. But if the roles were reversed, he hadn't seen you yet and you wanted to meet him and found him attractive, most girls wouldn't approach him. Why? Cause they fear he might possibly reject them.

Girls want to be approached cause it makes them feel good, but when it comes to them approaching the guy, they make up the excuse of "it's his job". They say this because they don't want to be vulnerable to rejection.

Sad there's such a double standard.

[mikedoug]

It would be very refreshing to hear a girl admit she's scared to pursue a guy solely because she's afraid of being rejected. Any girl want to start on this forum???

[mikedoug]

Actually, she did ask out a boy who was in her class - apparently he was showing all the signs of being interested: Talking for ages, playing guitar together, similar interests. But he freaked and the friendship is now ruined. It's not just boys who are getting rejected.

No offence, as I respect what your daughter did, but the signs you mentioned above by no means indicate a boy is interested in a girl. Those are some common things most friends would do. I would think if he wrote her a love song and played it on the guitar for her or kissed her, those would be signs. Credit though for her having the courage.

[basilandthyme]

What I'm saying is if a guy saw you on the street and was attracted to you and wanted to meet you, but you hadn't seen him yet, you'd probably want him to come up to you so you could meet. But if the roles were reversed, he hadn't seen you yet and you wanted to meet him and found him attractive, most girls wouldn't approach him. Why? Cause they fear he might possibly reject them.

Girls want to be approached cause it makes them feel good, but when it comes to them approaching the guy, they make up the excuse of "it's his job". They say this because they don't want to be vulnerable to rejection.

Sad there's such a double standard.

I have no interest in being approached by a random guy in the street. I'd much rather meet someone who's a friend of a friend.

[basilandthyme]

It would be very refreshing to hear a girl admit she's scared to pursue a guy solely because she's afraid of being rejected. Any girl want to start on this forum???

No takers from me. I've approached and been rejected. I lived.

[basilandthyme]

No offence, as I respect what your daughter did, but the signs you mentioned above by no means indicate a boy is interested in a girl. Those are some common things most friends would do. I would think if he wrote her a love song and played it on the guitar for her or kissed her, those would be signs. Credit though for her having the courage.

She's only 14. He was 13. It's a learning curve

[basilandthyme]

What I'm saying is if a guy saw you on the street and was attracted to you and wanted to meet you, but you hadn't seen him yet, you'd probably want him to come up to you so you could meet. But if the roles were reversed, he hadn't seen you yet and you wanted to meet him and found him attractive, most girls wouldn't approach him. Why? Cause they fear he might possibly reject them.

Girls want to be approached cause it makes them feel good, but when it comes to them approaching the guy, they make up the excuse of "it's his job". They say this because they don't want to be vulnerable to rejection.

Sad there's such a double standard.

Taking this a bit further, you commented on my daughter's attempt at dating by saying that good conversation and common interests isn't enough to show that someone is interested in dating us. So, what is the rationale in asking out a stranger who hasn't even noticed us - let alone conversed with us?

While there are no guarantees in life, I imagine one would have a better chance at success with someone who shows interest in talking with us vs someone who doesn't know we exist. Personally, I want someone who asks me out after talking with me - not someone who asks me out based on my looks alone.

[searock]

It would be very refreshing to hear a girl admit she's scared to pursue a guy solely because she's afraid of being rejected. Any girl want to start on this forum???

As I said, I have no problem admitting it. When I was 13 I had a huge crush on one of my classmates and I didn't say anything to him for 2 years, because I feared rejection. More recently, about 4 years ago I started having feelings for a male friend of mine and again I didn't say anything for about 6 months. I finally found the courage to confess my feelings (I was no longer a scared 13 year old) to him and we are now in a long-term relationship. So yeah, as I said, both men and women hate being rejected. Both men and women will still ask the other person out, if it's worth the risk.

As for walking up to strangers on the street, it's not part of my culture - pretty much nobody does it here, male or female. The only guys I've had walking up to me on the street have been foreigners and I was flattered of course, but I would never take them into consideration as dates. I prefer knowing the guy at least a tiny bit (even via friends of friends, or chatting at a party or something) before going on a date with them - it just feels more spontaneous and natural (I'm not saying it's wrong to chat strangers up on the street, just that it's not what I prefer).

[searock]

She's only 14. He was 13. It's a learning curve

Yet lots of adults on this forum would argue that guys aren't friends with girls unless they want to date them. Obviously it's not true in all cases. I'm glad you're not one of the persons who think that way.