Long distance breaks after 4 years

[firefloats]

Hi All, i'm a newbie and this is my first post. I'm a 34 year old guy and live in the UK. My ex girlfriend of 4 years ,who's 28, and I met while i was on a kitesurfing holiday in Brazil, very randomly she was the only girl who we met on the trip who was from the UK and as it happens from the same town as me back home, however she was living and working in London for an advertising agency. We got on really well but only for one night as we were moving on the next day. Nothing happened, just casual drinks with a big group of us, said our goodbyes and kept in touch on facebook until she returned home for the Christmas holidays in 2009.

We arranged to meet between Christmas and New Year and had around 5 dates before she went back to London after New Year. From there on in it was a long distance relationship LDR seeing each other every weekend commuting by train, things were going great and the LDR didn't seem much of an issue for either of us as that was all we knew. This went on for a further year in London, where we fell in love, and a great career opportunity came up for her to relocate to Paris. Again the long distance wasn't an issue with cheap easyjet flights we could still see eachother every weekend, we were solid. I run a family business and there wasn't a chance of me relocating. After a year in Paris so 2 years into our LDR things weren't going great for her with her partner at work and they fell out and she decided she wanted to move back to Newcastle and get a job with an advertising agency in Newcastle although this would be taking a step back in her career and a 50% pay cut. Things didn't go to plan due to the work on offer so she decided career wise it was more sensible to stay in Paris. We've got an amazing group of friends and family and all get on so well, it would've been perfect if the Newcastle work was there. Cutting a long story short this continued LDR and things began to strain as easyjet cancelled the route to Paris and the only way was to fly by Airfrance, we were paying between 300 and 400 euros per flight so were only seeing each other every 3 weeks , we talked about moving to Australia, America and London so after 3.5 years i had my CV ready and we were looking at opportunities, i think it was too late at this point and things weren't going great, skype calls were shorter, email messages through the day less frequent and we both knew we had to make more effort. I went to Paris for the weekend in June to talk it out and she said she couldn't bear the hurt of knowing that we weren't going to see each other for another long period, she said she felt numb, emotionless, angry, frustrated and that the LDR had ruined everything We still loved each other deeply but the hurt of LDR had taken over.

She said she needed space and time so wanted a break, she said that she needed time to get her head together and only then could we move forward, said i was the best person she knew, kind, loving, caring and that right now she felt that her world was crashing down but she needed to gain some clarity and that the hardest thing for her was letting go and not knowing if it was the right thing to do and it's just all got too much for her. We broke up completely after the 1 week break.

I was devastated and 11 weeks on i still am, one thing has changed in that, through breaking up I have stumbled into a work opportunity in Dubai. I leave end of September. In between breaking up I didn't go no contact, her mum and sister said that i should have done, i haven't gone overboard, maybe a text per week and asking how she is but the responses are getting worse, for example i asked her if i can call and she didn't reply so i sent another one the next day saying 'I'm sorry for contacting you, i guess you just want me to leave you alone?' The response i got was ' I just don't know what to say, i'm concious that whenever we speak , we both get really upset and it sets us back' She's saying things like if you need to talk then of course i will listen.

I let her know that i had an opportunity in Dubai and made it clear that i would like her to come, she said she couldn't commit or promise anything the way she was feeling but when i asked if she loved me she said she did and that she adored me, she has also said to her mum that on paper i am the perfect person for her and that she can't bear the thought of me with with anyone else. Her mum and sister said that i shouldn't have asked her to come to Dubai and just stayed no contact and let her see how much my life was changing for the better.
I then text her the other day asking if i could call and she got back to me the next day asking if i was ok and if i needed to talk then of course she would listen, she was busy with work late all last week ( I know this 100% and that she's not interested in anybody, like i say this is 100 % ) she said it's maybe easier to chat at the weekend if i still need to so i said i'd give her a call Saturday ( today ) she didn't respond to the text. They have become quite stand offish and sometimes no reply to something that would normally warrant a reply.

Last night i decided to deactivate my facebook account as when i see any photos she's tagged in i feel sick, it sets me back, she still has 'In a relationship with me' on her homepage and i did on mine, which all i can think of is that she doesn't want to remove it as it may cause me more hurt. I have decided not to call her today and will now go no contact. I know from here mum, that she is back home in newcastle next weekend but i will remain no contact even though that will possibly be the last time i will see her before i go to Dubai and then who knows after that

Hey guys, that's about it in a nut shell and i hope that's not a stupidly long thread but i'm really hoping that now that you have a picture of my life you will be able to give me some answers of what is the best thing to do moving forward. I love this special person with all my heart but my head cannot bear thinking about her every minute and every day not knowing what is going to happen in the future.

I am really looking forward to hearing any responses

[michelle23]

I think this was inevitable. You could have worked if one of you relocated 2 years ago to be together properly but long distance takes its toll and you grow apart. I think you should learn from this and in future don't try the long distance thing again.

[firefloats]

I know that is what should've been done but due to certain circumstances this didn't happen. Looking back we should've made it happen. I guess what i'd really like to get advice on is what can be done to try and rectify it, surely if we still love each other we can get that closeness back if we live together? Do i just leave her and go no contact or arrange to meet up for half an hour when she's back next weekend?

[IslandScorp]

I think that you should listen to her mum and sister. It seems that they were trying to tell you something-perhaps something that she couldn't. When a person says that "on paper" another person looks perfect, it's almost like saying "I know that I should love him because he has all of those good qualities but I don't feel it in my heart." It may very well be that she's under a lot of stress and emotionally distraught or depressed because her life didn't turn out the way that she expected it to. It may be that when she was going through all of the disappointment, etc. she needed someone to actually be there with her and not long distance (not your fault but you can't control how someone feels). She might even feel a little jealous because you're getting ahead or even wondering why if you can now go to Dubai, you couldn't move to be with her (I know you said you couldn't at the time but like I said, it's emotions, not logic we're talking about). If she's feeling any of these things, she needs to get her head and heart right and she's not ready for a continued relationship with you. It would help if she could talk to you honestly about everything that she's feeling but I don't think that she's been doing that and she may still be trying to figure it out herself.

[firefloats]

So it's been a while since i've been on here as i'm feeling better about things now but thank you for the replies. I still think about her everyday but I can say to anyone going through something similar that it does get better but what has helped me is the fact that i have new opportunities. I move to Dubai a week today and I couldn't think of anything worse than staying put where I am, that is mainly due to me not being happy in my current job or carry on living in the same city, I need change. This will be different for everyone, if you enjoy your job and are generally happy with life other than losing the person you love most in the world, see it through.

We've spoken once on the phone since i last posted and we had a nice chat about general stuff and family etc. I then asked her how she was truly feeling and she explained a lot more, she's still feeling like the distance has destroyed everything. She said she still loved me but isn't in love with me, that hurts. She'd said to her mum that she still doesn't know if she's done the right thing so i guess now only time will tell. For now it's no contact again and i'm sure she'll be in touch to wish me well but i'll not be contacting her.

Good luck to everyone out there going through the same thing

[Valixy]

A total change of life with all its inevitable stress and difficulties, especially at the beginning, represents one of the best possibilities to cure yourself of old deep heartaches, and even more if you're trying to leave as much as you can of the emotional baggage behind. Good luck.

[firefloats]

A total change of life with all its inevitable stress and difficulties, especially at the beginning, represents one of the best possibilities to cure yourself of old deep heartaches, and even more if you're trying to leave as much as you can of the emotional baggage as behind. Good luck.

Well fingers crossed! I'll look back in years to come and see that this path was created for a reason Thank you for your luck