Too Soft For Me...

[BeaK]

I am struggling with some major issues I have been having with my husband for the past few months. My topic title may suggest sexual problems but that is not what this particular problem is. My husband and I have recently wed. We had a courthouse wedding before our actual ceremony because he is military. Only a couple of friends know that we are married, family and everyone else still thinks we are just engaged and planning the wedding. We're going to have a ceremony/reception in a few months. I suppose I should give the run down of what sparked this issue so many months back:

A male friend of mine came to stay with us as he was thinking about relocating to the area. The whole situation was extremely stressful. My friend was having a lot of problems at the time. I had to work one night and asked my husband to take him out with some of his friends so my friend could get out, have a good time, and meet some new people. To make this a little easier to understand instead of just saying friend of friend of friend I'll assign everyone a letter. I can be creative when I want to be. So my friend will be known as A. My husband has a few friends in the area that he and A went out with the night I was working. They had been drinking and were kind of tipsy when I got off work to meet up with them. My husbands friend H brought one of his friends (R). This is getting crazy with the letters isn't it? Soon enough you'll be glad I did it this way so you know what the heck I'm talking about. Anyway, R is another guy but is supposedly gay. As the story progresses you will see why I say "supposedly." I had only met R one other time so I didn't know him that well. We head to a bar where R proceeds to chase me around the bar, grinding up on me, touching me, and basically making me feel uncomfortable. I mean, the only man that has touched me in years is my husband. The touch was very excessive, he went as far as putting his hands on my inner thigh and grinding his junk on me. Now, I can handle myself. Let this be known.. I will go off on someone in a heart beat but this situation was a little tricky as I am good friends with H as well and this was his friend. I didn't want them thinking I was being a b**** or stirring up drama. When it comes to my husband the only thing I ever worry about is making him look bad, I mean he is int he military so I have tried to act more reserved. So initially I tried to just avoid R, I tried everything from standing on the other side of the group, going to the bathroom for long periods, or just all out trying to casually step away when he would come near me. He just kept chasing me around. So finally I told my husband the situation. He stands there.. orders another drink, and does nothing about it. So I tell him I am going home. I have not caused a scene or said anything other than that, I tell him to come outside to talk to me a moment in my car before I leave. I asked him what he was thinking, I mean was he truly ok with other men rubbing up on me like this? And was this the way he was going to respond if something like this ever were to happen again? I mean I guess its ok for random men to touch me inappropriately and especially infront of him! He basically made me out to be the a**hole and jumped out of my car and went back inside the bar. At this point I was irate. I left. When he got home we got into a massive argument. Trust me, it was not pretty. After things have died down he tells me that he doesn't remember seeing R all up on me nor does he remember me saying anything to him about it. Hmmm, ok. You were drinking. That's somewhat of an excuse I guess. Either way the matter was never fully resolved. Over the past few days we had a similar argument about something that had to do with him not having my back like he should. I mean we knew a guy that was ready to punch his own friend out because he upset his wife. Yes, that is a bit overboard but at least he had his wifes back right? So this similar issue stirred up this conversation again which resulted in him telling me that he has never been the kind of guy looking for fights and doesn't feel that he needs to step in basically. He also tells me that he isn't as emotional as I am, he doesn't get as angry as I do. Which is true I am way more emotional but hey.. I'm a woman. I have thought about this a lot, so much that I am pretty disgusted with him and honestly haven't spoken to him in a few days. It has actually affected our sex life because I mean... I don't want to have this intimacy with a robot push over. I have these horrible angry thoughts about him because I am so disappointed and disgusted with him. I mean truly.. I just want to yell at him and tell him he is a p*ssy! I know that's childish but I am being completely honest here. What do I feel:

I feel like I made a mistake in marrying someone that doesn't care enough about their spouse to have their back. That is ok with people disrespecting his wife, I mean to me it's like he is even ok with people disrespecting HIM. This guy was all over me in front of him and he did nothing? I mean claiming to be drunk and just "not see things" only goes so far. I don't know what to do. I really don't. You know... People say you knew what you were getting into when you marry someone but I honestly don't believe that to be true. People are full of surprises and until that certain situation arises that you may not have ever encountered while you were dating, you won't know how they will react. It's certainly not something that you discuss during a date either. I mean why would you? I guess a lot of people would just assume that their significant other would have their back and cares enough to "step up" when they need to.

I don't really know what to do. This isn't something that is just going to go away either. We looked into counseling but won't be able to get in to see anyone due to insurance issues so.. I love him more than anything and aside from this I truly feel that that he is great for me, but for me... This is a pretty big problem.

[Valixy]

This is very twisted. Even the best partners can sometimes be very selfish, careless and unfair but one would think that protecting your wife when she is being molested comes naturally to a man. He either didn't perceive at all the situation as you did because he was very drunk or thought it was less violent than you actually experienced it and trusted that you could handle it very well on your own. It is just sick to think that he knew what was happening all the time and did nothing. He made a terrible mistake anyway and he owes you to become aware of what happened, how you felt and you still feel. He cannot bury his head in the sand and try to forget while he hasn't done any kind of justice to you. It's probably the only way for him to win some of the respect, trust and love back from you, if you'll ever be able to feel so much for him again.

[michelle23]

I think its "normal" for a man to react badly in these situations, to be a little possessive and aggressive. I wonder is he fully aware of what went on? Did you tell him in detail what happened? Does he think you exagerated?