Am I regressing...?

[Indestructible]

When it comes to the idea of dating, I've never been much of a typical guy. Ever since I was of dating age (about 16), I was always more the "hopeless romantic" type, I didn't really care about sex, I just wanted to find someone I connected with and could be really happy with. Most other guys, on the other hand, tend to typically think with their "other" head, and are more interested in sex and "having fun". As those guys get older, they tend to mature, and start thinking about "settling down" with someone they have a real connection with and real feelings for.

Me, on the other hand, I'm 24, almost 25, and I've had no success finding the connection I've always wanted. Never had a girlfriend, never even been on a date. I can count on one hand the number of girls I've even ever liked enough to ask out, and none of them were attracted to me. The last one, in particular, I took very hard (and I still struggle with), because she was the most amazing girl I'd ever met.

Having gone through a lot of heartache, disappointment, sadness, and loneliness, I've started to think that maybe it's time I accept that what I really want (a happy healthy "normal" relationship with someone I connect with and enjoy a lot) is just not a possibility for me. And with that, I've started to think that if I can't have the mental/ emotional intimacy I really want, maybe I'm better off pursuing purely physical intimacy.

For the last several months, I've been looking into trying to find casual sex partners. I haven't had any success with that, yet, but recently, I've been pursuing this older woman for a FWB type relationship, and she's been on board so far, and if all goes well, she's going to be my first ever sex partner in the next couple of weeks. And depending on how that goes, I plan to start looking for other sex partners.

In other words, most guys tend to be sex-driven for years before maturing and settling down. Me, I was mature, looking for something "real", but after a lot of heartache and disappointment, I'm trying to push away from that, but I'm seeking something less "mature" now. Part of me thinks I'm better off this way, seeking purely "physical" intimacy, as opposed to trying to push myself to believe what I REALLY want is out there somewhere, when I know that it is, in fact, not out there.

But the part of me that was mature and wanted something "real" hasn't quite been edged out completely, and that part of me questions whether I'm doing the right thing, and whether or not I'm regressing in a bad way, here.

[yanzg]

You seem like a mature and genuine person with a good heart. Although you haven't found the right girl to date and have a long term relationship, you were on the right track to attract the right person come to your life. However, if you decided to take on the other route, pursue merely physical pleasure, hope that will satisfy your emotional loneliness, you are going to screw up yourself and not going to be happy about the emotional struggles that will bring. You need to believe in yourself you are a great person with lots of wonderful qualities that a lot of other guys don't have.

Jim Rohn said "To attract attractive people, you must be attractive. To attract powerful people, you must be powerful. To attract committed people, you must be committed. Instead of going to work on them, you go to work on yourself. If you become, you can attract."

It is just a matter of time the right person will show up. Don't be despair and do something that's against your inner believes and faith. You are much better than those "average guys" who merely looking for physical pleasure. Surround yourself with people like you, go attend more social events, sports events, make new friends, not just female friends, but males friends too. The right person will be attracted by you.

Hope this helps :-)

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[michelle23]

I dont think you should go this route. I think the problem is your attracted to women who have issues, who want the bad guys and who will overlook the good ones for the next 5 years till she grows up. Change your type and youll get what you want instead of changing you. Look for an independent, confident, high self esteem woman who sees sex the same way you do (as an emotional thing) and who appreciates a genuine, honest guy. We do exist

[namemyname]

There's a lot more going on here than you just being interested in an "emotional" connection.

Generally, when someone has lived this antiseptic of a dating/love life, it's because of some abuse or other trauma.

People date without jumping into bed quickly, so not sure why you've never done this. Not even as a teenager, when the expectation of sex was less. It's bizarre that you separate emotion from sex so distinctly. It's like an either/or with you.

I think you use this moral high ground as some kind of excuse, frankly. Because "happy, healthy and normal" are not descriptors of a 25-year old virgin who's never had a date.

[Indestructible]

[QUOTE=yanzg;937029]You need to believe in yourself you are a great person with lots of wonderful qualities that a lot of other guys don't have.[/COLOR]

I have believed that. Heck, I do believe that. But what I believe doesn't seem to matter. Clearly, whatever "wonderful qualities" I have aren't attractive enough to girls.

It is just a matter of time the right person will show up. Don't be despair and do something that's against your inner believes and faith. You are much better than those "average guys" who merely looking for physical pleasure. Surround yourself with people like you, go attend more social events, sports events, make new friends, not just female friends, but males friends too. The right person will be attracted by you.

That's all easier said than done, at least in my experience. Besides, I don't know that "surrounding myself with people" would be of any help. It would probably just equate to more competition. Any time I find a girl I like, there's always another guy right around the corner that's "cooler" than me, or "hotter" than me, or "more exciting" than me, and he'll always get the girl's attention. I'll never be able to compete with that guy. I'll never be that guy that that girl has eyes for, so to speak.

As far as timing goes, honestly, I'm just sick of being "patient". If there were any girls out there for me, I think I'd have met at least one of them by now. It's not exactly normal to be 25 and never have had a date.

I dont think you should go this route. I think the problem is your attracted to women who have issues, who want the bad guys and who will overlook the good ones for the next 5 years till she grows up. Change your type and youll get what you want instead of changing you. Look for an independent, confident, high self esteem woman who sees sex the same way you do (as an emotional thing) and who appreciates a genuine, honest guy. We do exist

That's all well and good, but it's not exactly easy to tell who's what. I thought the last girl I wanted to date was all the things you described, heck, I still think she is. But even so, she's still more into the "hot cool guys", that tend to mistreat her. I really can't imagine finding another girl like her, let alone one that will want to date me. She was a "once in a lifetime" kind of girl, and I just couldn't make it happen.

There's a lot more going on here than you just being interested in an "emotional" connection.

Generally, when someone has lived this antiseptic of a dating/love life, it's because of some abuse or other trauma.

Eh. Nothing really springs to mind, for me.

People date without jumping into bed quickly, so not sure why you've never done this. Not even as a teenager, when the expectation of sex was less. It's bizarre that you separate emotion from sex so distinctly. It's like an either/or with you.

I think you use this moral high ground as some kind of excuse, frankly. Because "happy, healthy and normal" are not descriptors of a 25-year old virgin who's never had a date.

What I'm trying to say is, my idea of a "happy, healthy, normal relationship" is basically one in which you have someone that is both your best friend and your lover. Mental/ emotional AND physical intimacy. But in pursuing girls, I've always been more drawn to the former (whereas, I'd say the average guy is drawn more by the latter). The truth is, I don't find myself being attracted to very many girls, because I always feel the "chemistry" just isn't right. I'm talking personality-wise. 99% of the girls I meet (and have met), sure, they're nice, and I don't mind being friends with them if possible, but there's always something that just feels "off" about the chemistry, and that makes me not want to date them. I don't have some kind of super strict "check list" of traits and qualities that I run every girl through, or anything like that; I just look at what the chemistry is like, and for the most part, I'm just never feeling it with them, so I don't pursue them. When I do feel the chemistry is right, I of course pursue them, but those girls are never attracted to me.

[namemyname]

I went back and read some of your prior posts. I remember you, now.

The reality is that you have described yourself as very unattractive, very unappealing sexually, and very short.

It's like you already feel that women will never be physically attracted to you, which is why you've been trying to emphasize the emotional so much. That's what feels "wrong" about the chemistry. You're just projecting your insecurities, really.

You seem to think you're different than the average bear, like you're better than other men, because you aren't just looking for tail. But, you come off like you're just looking for a friend, and not a romantic partner with the way you delineate the physical from the emotional so dramatically.

Your idea of "happy, healthy and normal" is really off. Sure, it reads like a lifetime movie, but I still contend that you're using all of this to keep yourself from experiencing the rejection you're already convinced will happen.

Again, I think it's because of your self-esteem issues that you negate and twist the physical side of a relationship so much.

[Indestructible]

Okay... And...?