Parents versus Boyfriend

[Adair]

Hey everyone! I just wanted to hear you feedback on my current situation. Right now I couldn't be happier with my relationship. My current boyfriend is one I took with me from high school into my freshman year of college. I go to college in Kentucky and he goes to college in South-West Indiana. He is my best friend and I would trust him with anything. He never fails to put a smile on my face, even if we're 250 odd miles apart.
He makes me feel beautiful, while also encouraging me to live an even more active lifestyle. We're adventurers together. I had the most wonderful time with him. I feel so much closer to him than I ever had before. We explored Lexington on Saturday and Frankfort today. We learned so many new things and it's like this weekend created this whole new connection. That maybe after this mini vacation, this could be for real and if we can maintain this relationship, more people can take us seriously when we say we want to take the next step when we graduate school.

The whole reason I am writing this post is because I got in some trouble with my parents this weekend because they found out that he came and stayed with me. I didn't tell them that he was coming down (It never crossed my mind because they live three hours North of me.) and they essential got upset with me. I called my mother three times trying to get in contact with her and she finally called me back today. She told me that she is very disappointed in me, and that I need to get more engaged into school. She wants me to succeed but I "still have a foot in Indiana". Both of my parent have preached to me that they don't me to settle down with the first guy to give me attention. (He is my first boyfriend) And they tried early last fall, my dad especially, to get me to reconsider my relationship when it came time to leave. They had me so convinced that's what I needed to do, that I told my boyfriend that it would be best that we take a break when school starts and see where it takes us. The whole time that plan was in place, I never felt right about it. I eventually broke down to my boyfriend that it wasn't what I really wanted and he was relieved to hear that, but he just wanted to make me happy and he went along with it.

I know I must sound like just another naive teenage girl, but I've always been loyal to my friends, family, to books, television shows...and since the relationship started- my boyfriend. The best way to describe how I feel is now that I don't have a concrete "home" he's my home. Not once since I've been down here, have I really just wanted to sleep in my own bed. I've just wanted to have him by my side again. He is my partner in everything. We have such real plans for the future, and when I see him, I see that. We aren't soul mates, but we're really close.

I'm just torn between him and my mom and dad's vision for me. My mother has told me on more than one occasion that she wants me to be independent and successful. And my dad wants that times ten. I'm the oldest of four and they just have such high hopes for me that they don't want me to be tied down by one boy. Especially not one they didn't imagine me being with. (Since I come from a really athletic family and I am a collegiate athlete, they didn't imagine me falling in love with an anti-sport gear-head pilot who banters about politics with old men and smokes a pipe and the occasional cigar.)

Since my boyfriend and I are becoming increasingly serious about our future together, I want to see them in that. I'm afraid of what may come if I really have to choose between having a relationship with my parents or my best friend. I can feel the tension getting tighter. I would love if someone would give me a little bit of insight.


Thank you!

Adair.

[lalalita]

Parents are usually right, unfortunately. It doesn't sound like he's treating you poorly, but "first loves" aren't usually "last loves". They want you to see what is our there and are probably trying to protect you from getting hurt if this doesn't work out.

As long as he treats you well, and you are happy, don't let your parents change you mind. Your mind will have to be changed on it's own, if it's going to be changed.

[basilandthyme]

Perhaps if you reassure your parents that you're not about to dump college to run off, get married and be a mother at 22 they would feel better. When you're with them, talk less about love and romance and more about your goals.

Meanwhile, your guy would do well to work towards having your parents start liking him. The pipe smoking/discussing politics with old men thing sounds rather pretentious and is not going to endear your parents. Likewise, being 'anti-sport' with a sport loving family is going to put him on the wrong foot too. When he's with someone he wants to impress (ie; your parents), it would pay to keep some of his opinions to himself.

In other words; ditch the pipe, keep political arguments off of the agenda and respect that others like sport even if he doesn't.

It will take a while to win them over because he's already gotten off on the wrong foot, but hopefully he can learn a bit of tact and grace and win them over in the end.

Out of curiosity, what do your friends think of your boyfriend?

[Adair]

It isn't like he exhibits those behaviors in front of them at all, with the exception of the pipe which he has only ever done a few times. But with that said he's really cut down his smoking in the past month or so. He's never deliberately dissed sports in front of them, the most he's ever said to them was "I've just never been around sports, I don't watch it on TV, it doesn't interest me." And he only expressed his political views earlier in our relationship when it was around the time of the election.

He isn't a disrespectful guy, he understands respect, but since my parents liked him at first and then at some point they changed their minds (I'm not really sure when that was) it's like Kevin doesn't even know how to act around them anymore. Neither of them talk to each other when he was over, and therefore my parents think he is rude. My mom was going to bed and said goodnight right after she was done talking to me, I said goodnight to her and he didn't, in her eyes it seemed like he committed a crime. He isn't a bad kid at all, I have better judgement than to date some loser, and he comes from a good family, too.

To answer your question, my friends really like him. In high school they always wanted to include him in whatever it was we were doing. To them he was just another one of the group. When we were with friends we weren't all over each other and we were both engaged in whatever was happening.

What I am feeling is that my mom and dad want me to end what I have now to see whats out there, whether it be the world, other guys, my career. Just life in general. I understand why they want that of me. However, I have no interest in other guys, while I've been here in college I've seen attractive guys, but nobody who gives me the slightest urge to end my current relationship. And those other two things I can do with Kevin, he hasn't held me back yet, and I think that their biggest fear. I know that four years is a long time, and we may if may not be able to swing it. For now, I feel good about everything.

I think I do need to talk with my parents, more likely just my mom, and tell them that I do not have the desire to drop out of school and live with Kevin the rest of my life. I want to be successful in life and earn my bachelors and masters degree, and Kevin knows that, he's working towards his bachelors too. I know that they have this big plan for me, and I respect that my parents want so much. I believe a conversation is in order the next time I can see them.

[smackie9]

.....IMO I would not worry about it right now. You have college to finish and get a job. By that time you will either be single or you parents will be focusing on the next child in line. You are thinking way to far ahead of yourself right now anyways.