Can Men and Women be friends?

[Bigd1199]

Ladies, just wanted to hear your opinions on if men and women can be friends, especially if one of them (or both for that matter) is married. This is a rhetorical question meant to start conversation, but I have a specific story to emphasize the point.

I am friends with a woman for many years now. For most of that time, we only talked or saw each other occasionally, but in recent years, we got closer and talk all the time now. All the time meaning every day. I almost never initiate contact, she reaches out to me probably 98 times out of 100. But she will text me multiple times a day. Checking in during the morning to see how I slept and how my day is going, and to tell me about her day so far. Midday or so to see how my day is going and tell me about hers. Later in the day talking about whatever she is doing, whether errands, the gym, whatever. And normally at night, before she goes to sleep, just to touch base and say hi and say good night. She initiates contact probably 4-5 different times a day.

Very often, she will do this on weekends too, many times telling me that she wanted to check in with me to let me know where she was and what she was doing. Oftentimes, late at night when she is getting ready to come home from wherever and wanted to check in and let me know she was going to be home soon or whatever. When I tell her that isn’t necessary, she usually says that she feels bad if she doesn’t check in with me.

She pushes me a lot to get together, but because I am married (she is not), I just don’t think it is a good idea. She will get upset that I don’t go to dinner with her, hang out together, whatever. She knows that my wife, and one of my good friends (who she knows) do not think it is a good idea we talk, and both think that she has severely crossed the line (and I have as well by default) because a woman should not be talking to a married man more than occasionally. She is adamant that I am just a good, close friend and that no one seems able to understand platonic friendships. She sees nothing wrong with talking to me all the time, and at whatever time of day. 7AM is not unusual, and neither is 11PM. Sometimes, she has texted out of the blue well after 11PM too, especially if it is a weekend and she is out and wanted to tell me she is going home soon. While she has never made a move, most people think that she has technically made a move by all the communication and emotional connection.

Just was wondering what everyone’s thoughts were on if friendships were even possible between men and women. I must admit that the whole thing feels weird to me, but because she has never tried anything, I feel that maybe I am overreacting. Most people I tell the story to think that she has way crossed the line though, and that they think she is hoping I get divorced and then will be there for me. But, she has also told me multiple times she doesn't like me in that way and likes me as just a close friend. Maybe she is lying, who knows.

[basilandthyme]

She doesn't like you in that way? Rubbish! Your personal radar is spot on - she's crushing on you.

Anyway, I believe that some men and women can be 'just friends'. However it's never worked for me; Every time I had a male friend it ended up getting complicated and inappropriate - so I changed my social activities and now am only friends with other women.

[Kromat83]

She doesn't like you in that way? Rubbish! Your personal radar is spot on - she's crushing on you.

Anyway, I believe that some men and women can be 'just friends'. However it's never worked for me; Every time I had a male friend it ended up getting complicated and inappropriate - so I changed my social activities and now am only friends with other women.

Being friends with other females can work, you just can't be giving each other that much attention,
and have short conversations once a week and spend time together only with her or your friends.

Some just take it too fair, and don't know where to draw the line, so it gets complicated.

As long as nothing intimate happens, and aren't alone together, and be as honest as
possible about things like you just want things to be at a distance, it'll be alright.

Once the other has a boyfriend or girlfriend, you need to step back a little and give
them space, so they aren't receiving conflicted messages, if you like them.

I don't think i'd be able to maintain a female friendship as well in my youth, but as you get older,
you know for the most part, how to treat and respect them as individuals.

[searock]

Yes, men and women can be friends.

What you have with your female "friend" though is not friendship. She clearly has a (very inappropriate, seeing as you are married) crush on you. You need to keep your distance from her, stop being in contact so often (friends don't keep in contact so often) and if she complains, tell her explicitly that you think keeping in contact more often (or going on dates with each other, even with no physical contact involved) would be disrespectful to your marriage. If she's smart/mature, she'll understand and back off.

Here are a few basic guidelines. Friends of the opposite sex DO NOT:

. keep in contact every single day - especially if it involves good morning and/or good night texts
. chat, text or talk on the phone at night (10 pm - 10 am) on a regular basis
. go on dates alone with each other on a regular basis (even if no physical contact is involved)
. talk in detail about everything that goes on in their love lives
. feel uncomfortable being in the same room with each other and their own partner (or the partner of the friend, or both)
. share any kind of non-inevitable physical contact: hugs, cuddling, kisses on the cheek, back rubs, hand holding, ...
. feel guilty or even just uncomfortable for seeing each other if they are in a relationship with someone else
. feel sexually attracted to each other (even a one-way attraction)

... get it? What you have with your female "friend" is not friendship at all.

[DinsdalePiranha]

Huh. Apparently I'm not "just friends" with a female friend of mine.

Well, maybe it was the fact that I can't stop thinking about her that tipped me off.

Or perhaps the time she told me her boyfriend would leave me if anything happened to his dog while he was out of town and I spent the next ten minutes fantasizing about firing it out of a cannon into a brick wall.

Or maybe...ah, you get the picture.

[danizephyr]

She's into you. If your wife doesn't approve of you two talking, then maybe you shouldn't be any friendlier with her. Yes, you can be friends with someone of the opposite sex but not when that person is crushing on you. They'll always get the wrong idea.

[btide15]

Here are a few basic guidelines. Friends of the opposite sex DO NOT:

. keep in contact every single day - especially if it involves good morning and/or good night texts
. chat, text or talk on the phone at night (10 pm - 10 am) on a regular basis
. go on dates alone with each other on a regular basis (even if no physical contact is involved)
. talk in detail about everything that goes on in their love lives
. feel uncomfortable being in the same room with each other and their own partner (or the partner of the friend, or both)
. share any kind of non-inevitable physical contact: hugs, cuddling, kisses on the cheek, back rubs, hand holding, ...
. feel guilty or even just uncomfortable for seeing each other if they are in a relationship with someone else
. feel sexually attracted to each other (even a one-way attraction)

... get it? What you have with your female "friend" is not friendship at all.

What you are saying here basically proves that my best friend is into me. I don't think your points are exactly accurate. I've told my friend before that i had feelings for her and she told me that she had never felt the same way. She has a boyfriend and yet we still talk at night on a regular basis, and she tells me almost everything that happens in her relationships and always asks for my advice in her relationship stuff. also, we have had periods where we would be in contact every day good mornings and nights included. I myself experience the almost uncomfortableness when we are in the same place alone, and i am sexually attracted to her, but thats not the point. I know that i am in to her but in conclusion: from yhe points you provided am i supposed to assume shes into me? I dont think so.

[searock]

What you are saying here basically proves that my best friend is into me. I don't think your points are exactly accurate. I've told my friend before that i had feelings for her and she told me that she had never felt the same way. She has a boyfriend and yet we still talk at night on a regular basis, and she tells me almost everything that happens in her relationships and always asks for my advice in her relationship stuff. also, we have had periods where we would be in contact every day good mornings and nights included. I myself experience the almost uncomfortableness when we are in the same place alone, and i am sexually attracted to her, but thats not the point. I know that i am in to her but in conclusion: from yhe points you provided am i supposed to assume shes into me?

No, it proves that what you have with her is not friendship at all. You said it yourself, you have feelings for her. There can be no friendship when even just one of the persons involved has romantic feelings for the other person.

[michelle23]

OP please cut the crap here. Why are you really asking? Are you planning to cheat on your wife? You said you are sexually attracted to her and you even told her you have feelings for her? (Was that while you are married?) For f**k sake, that proves this friendship is NOT platonic at all. You like her. Jesus! You need to cut ALL contact with her now or leave your wife. There's your choices so pick one. Its your wife or your "friend".

[michelle23]

And no men and women cannot be friends. I know a few will disagree with me but I don't care. I have no close male friends and my bf has no close female friends and that is how we like it. Sure talking occasionally to the opposite sex, being friendly, meeting up in groups on a night out etc is fine BUT no one on one alone time or texting, emailing etc. That is inappropriate.

[Starnique]

She doesn't like you in that way? Rubbish! Your personal radar is spot on - she's crushing on you.

Anyway, I believe that some men and women can be 'just friends'. However it's never worked for me; Every time I had a male friend it ended up getting complicated and inappropriate - so I changed my social activities and now am only friends with other women.

This. Something always ends up happening and it's more of a beneficial sort of friendship. Somebody always have personal feelings for the other. I have guy associates but my closest friends are girls.

[HDBadger]

And no men and women cannot be friends. I know a few will disagree with me but I don't care. I have no close male friends and my bf has no close female friends and that is how we like it. Sure talking occasionally to the opposite sex, being friendly, meeting up in groups on a night out etc is fine BUT no one on one alone time or texting, emailing etc. That is inappropriate.

Hahahahahahaha.

[Kromat83]

And no men and women cannot be friends. I know a few will disagree with me but I don't care. I have no close male friends and my bf has no close female friends and that is how we like it. Sure talking occasionally to the opposite sex, being friendly, meeting up in groups on a night out etc is fine BUT no one on one alone time or texting, emailing etc. That is inappropriate.

I agree with a lot of what you said, but if your both single and remain friends, and just e-mail each other if you have something to ask is alright ... but probably not okay, if you start seeing someone.
I try as often as i can to always be in groups.
Only time I go with other female friends alone, if it's for dance practice.
I barely have feelings for her, but I try to show passion in the dancing though, and respect her to not bother her unless it's dance related.

[michelle23]

An occasional email or text is fine if its to ask a specific question or something but not texting for hours every day. That is what I meant.

[btide15]

No, it proves that what you have with her is not friendship at all. You said it yourself, you have feelings for her. There can be no friendship when even just one of the persons involved has romantic feelings for the other person.

Yes i had feelings for her, i'm over it but what this suggested is that she mustve had feelings for me because 4 of those points were true. She never did though! She told me she just wanted me to be her friend when i confessed. I'm trying to tell you that these points aren't true.