Dealing with my husband's fetish

[Gail H]

My husband has an unusual fetish that I find hard to understand.

He likes to watch balloons and inflatable toys being trampled on and burst preferably with stiletto heels.

I have tried to do this but I find it somewhat disturbing.

However this is not my main issue.

He downloaded some MP3's the other day and said I could make a copy of them for myself so I fired up his computer.

That's when I found his badly hidden porn stash. Over 100 paid for videos that go back several years. I watched a couple and they are all young (I am mid 40's) and sometimes naked women indulging in his fantasy.

I asked if he ever watched or downloaded porn and he said he didn't. So he's lied to me.

We've been together 8 years and married for 7.

When we got married I knew he liked heels and balloons, but I didn't realise that his fantasy is as twisted as it appears in some of those videos.

I don't know what to think.

I feel he has been unfaithful to me as he masturbates over these videos. To make matters worse I can't believe he paid for them!! It was easy to find the site they came from as some of them are tagged with it. He has spent a fortune!! Not only do I feel he has been unfaithful, it feels as though he has been using prostitutes for his pleasure. My self esteem is now rock bottom and I definitely feel I can't trust him.

I don't know where to go from here.

[ZombieGirl]

For all I know, this could be trolling, but I'll give it a reply just in case...

Now, I don't want to come off seeming unsympathetic. I am quite sympathetic because I can understand that rock bottom self-esteem feeling. It happens to all of us at one point or another. I know I certainly feel that way for a moment or two when I notice my boyfriend checking out another girl or liking a few pictures of girls on Facebook. These types of things where you know your significant other is enjoying looking at others or getting sexually aroused by others can hurt, but they are normal and it happens to everyone.

Despite my sympathy, however, I have to point this out: you knew about this fetish. You knew it existed, and you accepted it by continuing the relationship and eventually marrying the man. So even if it isn't for you -- or disturbs you, as you put it -- you obviously felt like him as a whole was worth overlooking that aspect of sexual incompatibility. Which, by the way, I think sexual compatibility is one of the most important things in a relationship and that neglecting to ensure you were 100% compatible with all of his sexual likes and dislikes was a major mistake. But too late for that now, I guess...

Anyway, yes, you knew and accepted it. At least you tried it so you could do it for him; that much deserves praise. Still, it wasn't for you and that is totally fair, but to know how he feels about this fetish and trying to deny him it when you knew about it all along isn't fair to him. And okay, he lied. That's not good, but he probably did it because he knew you wouldn't like it if he said yes. And while it isn't good to hide things just because your significant other doesn't like it, him watching porn is a victimless crime. If he did spend a lot of money without you knowing, however, there is some grounds for serious discussion because it is wrong to be hiding where money is going. But those are the issues, not that he has this fetish (that you knew about and married him anyway) or that he watches porn. It is unfair to not let him watch porn. It isn't cheating; cheating would be if he went out and physically had sex with these women OR had an emotional affair, but emotions with other people aren't an issue here. It is especially not fair to not let him watch porn if you are unwilling to indulge him in his fantasy -- which, by the way, is INCREDIBLY mild compared to what he could be asking for. I'm not saying you have to sacrifice your comfort to indulge him, but if you won't, you can't expect him to give up the fetish for you. It is part of who he is, and since he does not want to cheat on you with another person who will indulge him, he is simply going online and watching women -- that he will never meet or touch -- in order to satisfy his sexual needs.

I know you're hurt that he lied, spent money, and is getting enjoyment from watching other women and I understand, but other than lying and spending money without telling you, I honestly don't believe he is doing anything wrong.

[searock]

It seems to me that your issue is not much about his fetish, but about the fact that he watches porn.

Watching and masturbating to porn is NOT cheating. Lots of guys (probably the majority of those who have access to the internet) watch porn as an aid in masturbation, there's nothing wrong with it as long as it doesn't interfere in their sex life (and as long as they don't watch creepy stuff like teen/kiddie porn, rape videos, etc). If your sex life is great, why does it matter how and how often he masturbates? He doesn't have feelings for the women in porn videos, he just looks at them because it turns him on. Just like (I imagine) you masturbate thinking about things/siutations/people that turn you on. You're not cheating when you do that, are you? It's just masturbation... it doesn't mean he isn't in love with you or isn't attracted to you.

As for the money he spent on it, I'm assuming it was his money? Think of it as... well, it's like if you bought a vibrator for yourself. Same principle. If it was a lot of money (like, more than 100 dollars) then I'd be pretty weirded out as well. I mean, there's tons of free porn on the internet - why spend money on it when you could have it for free?! I do hope he didn't spend any of your money on it, at least.

The one thing that you should be upset about is the fact that he lied to you. That sucks and there is no excuse for it (no, not even the fact that he probably knew you would flip out at the thought of him watching porn).

Now for the important question: how good is your sex life (prior to your discovery of his porn stash)? Are you satisfied, does he seem satisfied?

[ljubavjesve]

i do not see any problem with your husband's fetish

[Gail H]

It was a LOT of money!! He has over 100 videos. They start at around $5 each... the longer the video the more they cost.

As for our sex life... it's not that great. Seems he doesn't really get turned on by me naked. I have to dress up (usually in high heels) to get some kind of a response.

I'm more than upset that I was lied to. And by the content of these videos.

[searock]

So, you two are sexually incompatible. It's up to you to decide what to do with that information. I personally wouldn't stay in a relationship with a guy I wasn't sexually compatible with, life's too short and I love good sex too much to give it up (unless there's a REALLY good reason).

[smackie9]

Obviously you convinced yourself that this would just be a phase he was going through and would eventually go away. On his end I suspect he realized you weren't on board with this, so he found a different way to enjoy his fetish that was safe and didn't involve infidelity. Obviously this has made you both disconnect sexually from each other.


Screw the lie about the porn....that is the least of your problems with this. Everyone is right you both are not sexually compatible. Don't be waggling your finger at him. You need to address the state of you marriage is in that got you to this point. Obviously this cannot continue. Have a talk about your feelings, about the dissatisfaction, express how unhappy you are, how disconnected you feel sexually, unattractive to him, etc. Get it all out.....maybe it's a good time to separate.