I fixed my broken heart, but not for the guy who broke it!!!

[Alisson]

Hi forum!

I want to share a story as briefly as possible and I will need your comments and advice, because my love life has turned really miserable.

Almost exactly three years ago I met this guy; tall, handsome, cute, funny and most important interested in me. We did not have more than a couple of dates, before he were into a relationship. Things were running smoothly at first, until our lives became a little more demanding. He was new at his job and I had two jobs to handle, a morning and an afternoon one. Quite an opportunity for both of us given the unemployment rates in the country I were... Then some family problems started to show up, basically from my side. The relation ended a few months ago, with him having probably enough with me. I tried to reconnect with him, but after a few weeks we communicated and met, he decided it would not work out. Actually, he needed someone more intriguing in his life than me, as he had said.

I collected my pieces and tried to totally forget him. I blocked him from messaging (not that he would message me), erased his phone numbers and addresses (nor would he try to communicate with me, it was me preventing myself from doing so) and started reading books that helped me move on.

And I did move on. I knew where to find him and avoided any randomly bumping into him. I had typical communication with our few mutual friends. And I forgot him. I was evolved as a professional, I accomplished new goals, I got hobbies that made me really happy, I met new people, I took risks concerning my career all these past two years, until...

...a couple of weeks ago. I met a mutual friend and he would set up a meeting of friends, among which this ex was invited. As soon as I found out, I informed that I wouldn't go. Some hours later, I receive a text of him asking to see me and catch up with our news. I politely said that, due to my schedule, it was impossible. A week later he called me and messaged me again. It took me some hours to finally decide to meet him.

We talked a lot. He learned how I moved on in my life and seemed amazed of my decisions. Partcularly, with the most recent one; I will move abroad and have my phd. Even though things with his work are a little shaken down, he admitted he could never take a decision of going abroad or starting from low again. During our conversation, he said how proud he has always been about me and always looked me straight in the eyes. I felt my ego a little lifted up, but soon I realised that my feelings had only been jostled rather than faded away. I revised my lists of the things I hated about him, but my mind is blur, as if he could ever change.

I feel sober enough not to communicate with him, although we exchanged communication info again. But there are two things that puzzle me:
1. Why on earth do I feel that I would be available, if he ever wanted to get back with me?
2. Have you ever felt deeply you need a revenge, regardless how many years have passed? I feel like I need to requite his rejection, if only he gave me the chance...

Before I thank you for reading me, I should add that I admit he was my greatest love and that since then I have not really been in a relationship. I hope I was not very tiring... and that you could give some hints to mitigate my emotions and concentrate on the important decisions of my life that are about to take place...

[smackie9]

You only dated each other for 2 months.....that's hardly enough time invested. For someone to stand by you for thick and thin, you need to be together for a lot longer. I don't blame him for ending it because he never bargained for such challenges, I would have done the same thing if I were in his shoes. Plus there probably were other factors he didn't care to mention that contributed to his decision. It's possible his feelings were not as strong as yours, which made the relationship unbalanced.

Through my mature eyes, when someone ends a relationship, it's not to be vindictive, insensitive or heartless. When you are the dumpee that is your perspective out of hurt, but I assure you, he never wanted to hurt you (nobody does), and since his heart wasn't into it, IMO he was being fair and honest with you. He did it because he cared enough not to mislead you which so many end up doing because they are a coward, and end up making the hurt worse by slowly distancing themselves from the relationship.

1)You deny the fact you still are n love with him, that's why you would jump at the opportunity.


2)Of course you feel for revenge because you go dumped, and it's normal to feel that way but it's never a healthy thing to dwell on.

The conclusion: I think you really need to get over it. Stop talking to him (no contact), don't go see him, avoid him. You need to let yourself let it go by understanding that things don't always work out as you want to be. It's just life.

[Alisson]

I did not mention that we dated only 2 moths. We dated for a year more or less.

I probably am still in love with him, I do not deny that, but just a little bit. And I also know that I am looking for something else that he cannot give to me.

You are right that I was dumped the first time we split up. The second time I was sure that it would not work out, I just let him say it.

I think I have found out what is wrong: the fact that he seemed a little more mature, the fact that I expected more from him back then, the fact that anyone else I met later proved for worse, while the need to find the right match is still there. As I grow up, I am afraid I can compromise with what he could give me, since it has always been more than what everyone else ever gave me.

I shall get over it... Time will help me, changing country will help me, new people and new perspectives will also help me...

THANK YOU!

[smackie9]

Good for you....yes a change of scenery will help loads. I wish you all the best.

[Alisson]

Smackie9, thank you for believing in me... I need it!

Why does he have to make it harder? Why does he have to text me and show that he cares? Why does he have to remember me now and ask me to go to parties or to do other things with him...? At this period of time?

I am leaving the country in less than a month for the next 5 years of my life... I already feel homesick, I will miss my friends, my family, my country... I can't stand it that he has started forming an atmosphere, as if there would ever be a chance for us to get back together, now that I am leaving for good.
He confuses me again or he tries to use me, as he did it once and I am too romantic to realize it I can't pretend anymore by giving "political correct" answers, like everything is cool.

Any advice, other than trying to play cool and subside my emotions from anger to hope, from obsession to indifference, from love to hate... ? ? ?

Am I that irrational?

[smackie9]

Block his number, delete anything you have access to him like FB. Don't let him get at you. As for missing family and friends, they can visit you....I'm guessing there will be lots of Skype. Dear you are just going to have to take one day at a time and be excited that you will have this new country to explore. You will have so much fun you will see....

[Alisson]

Everyone keeps telling me that it will be one of the best experiences of my lifetime. I should have the same faith!

As for him... I 'll do that! I will avoid any contact with him. Besides he came out of the blue after all this time claiming for what? It is my turn to show a sonorous indifference.

You know, Smackie? I read somewhere that what hurts with breakups, are not the memories we have lived, but the things we dreamed and did not finally come true. I guess this will always hurt, at least until I find someone to live more pages of my fairy tale. Romantic? Perhaps...

[Ginger2013]

The "what could have been"...I've suffered over that one many times, but it fades when you stop thinking of the fantasy future and focus on reality.

[smackie9]

***Remember there is more in life that will bring you pure joy other than finding romance.