Problems with my new wife... Please need an opinion... Long Story.

[Wakeup]

I think you should just talk to your therapist and mention everything you've mentioned in post #14. Start there and she'll take it from there to help you with your own journey.

Know what you want to accomplish/your actual end goal And by that, I don't really mean how you'd like your wife to end up being loving and unissued, how you'd like to be able to control what she does, but rather how you'd like to improve you and control yourself (who you have the ability to be 100% in charge of, her, well you have zero control over her and that knowledge (and actual acceptance of it) is gold.

[lomfs24]

...how you'd like to improve you and control yourself (who you have the ability to be 100% in charge of, her, well you have zero control over her and that knowledge (and actual acceptance of it) is gold.

I think in the end, this is what I really want. And I think that when I have control of myself I will be able to acknowledge that I have no control over what she does and be willing to make a decision that will be for the betterment of me.

Wakeup, thanks for talking me through this.

[Wakeup]

You are welcome and good luck. Keep us posted if you're so inclined.

[lomfs24]

I will keep you posted. I feel a lot more comfortable going into my first session this Tuesday.

[4 ratties]

I don't think your wife will change but I really hope she does. I don't hold your past against you. What your current wife is doing is very wrong. Even if the texts are not flirty and what not, she shouldn't be in constant contact with them and not giving it a break. She sounds like she needs attention. This is really at a breaking point. Something is going to happen. Either your going to get help and u guys can have a secure relationship again or she is going to do as she pleases and cheat on u physically if she hasn't already.. It sounds like u are on board with working on things, but she really isnt. the relationship and issues cant get better with only one person trying. I hope your appointment goes well. Best of luck

[lomfs24]

Well, I went to the therapist on Tuesday. Things went well. She didn't really get into much, we were really kind of getting to know each other, getting to know the situation. Her reaction was kind of the same as people here. She felt that I had a legitimate concern with the constant texting to an old flame. However, she did say that to some people having multiple friends of the opposite sex is normal, and I agreed with her. My concern is not that she has friends of the opposite sex as much as they are constantly on her mind and constantly in contact. It seemed like she was talking more to her old flame about things than she was me. The therapist suggested that it would probably be more beneficial that we have couples counseling rather than just me as she didn't seem to think that I had any concerns that were abnormal or out of the ordinary.

So I come home from that and that night want to talk about it to my wife. She doesn't seem to really want to talk about it. I say that the therapist wants to do couples counseling and the first thing she said was "I'll see what she has to say and I'll try it". Not really the strongest vote I could have hoped for but I guess it's a start. I told her that the counselor wasn't really there to tell us what to do, as much as kind of act as a referee to get us to come to a common understanding about what we each want out of the relationship. So we go back in a couple weeks. That was the soonest appointment we could both get into.

So, yesterday, she was finally ready to talk. I have a couple boys that I have brought into this relationship from my previous marriage. We talked about them. This is when she brought up the texting the other guy. She said that it has been hard not talking to him because he has always been there for her when she had a hard day and she needed to vent to someone. She said she didn't feel like she could vent to me about my boys when something bothered her. So I told her that bothered me about her talking to another guy. 1) I don't like her airing, OUR problems specifically, or her problems to him. Mainly, because, as a husband, I should be taking that role. I should be the one that is there for her and her stability. Not him. I saw a one of the stupid little quotes on facebook once that said "A shoulder to cry on becomes a dick to ride on". I think there is some amount of truth to that. 2) The other reason why I think their friendship is a little odd is that neither one of them will acknowledge publicly that they talk to each other or are friends. I think that if it was truly a platonic relationship that it wouldn't matter if others in the community knew about it.

There was something else I was going to update on but I don't remember what it was at the moment and it's lunch time. I'll update later if I remember.

[smackie9]

Hey don't pick at their relationship...it's counter productive at this time. At least she is willing to talk, so take advantage of this for the first while, and in time this issue with her relationship with this guy will come out for discussion hopefully during one of your therapy sessions. Basically restrain yourself, and let her show you her perspective first....you might see some answers that will change your tune a bit.

[Wakeup]

The therapist suggested that it would probably be more beneficial that we have couples counseling rather than just me as she didn't seem to think that I had any concerns that were abnormal or out of the ordinary.

My Advice: Keep going to her about you. Your codependency needs to be addressed. I suspect you didn't tell her about your own history of staying with someone you didn't even love for so long that you cheated several times on her instead of leaving. At least get to the crux of whats in your own mind while you seek unbiased couples councelling from another councellor.

I suspect if you don't get into what's going on with you, then you are going to just keep finding women that aren't all that good for you. Ones you feel you need to change in order for you to be happy rather then ones that don't need changing because they make you happy the way they are.

[lomfs24]

My Advice: Keep going to her about you. Your codependency needs to be addressed. I suspect you didn't tell her about your own history of staying with someone you didn't even love for so long that you cheated several times on her instead of leaving. At least get to the crux of whats in your own mind while you seek unbiased couples councelling from another councellor.

I suspect if you don't get into what's going on with you, then you are going to just keep finding women that aren't all that good for you. Ones you feel you need to change in order for you to be happy rather then ones that don't need changing because they make you happy the way they are.

Thank you for the advice and I will take it to heart. There are things that I need to address of my own, I will agree with that. I am just happy that my wife is also willing to go with me, even if it's not all the time.

And for the record, I am trying to change me. Because of this, we did talk about my past history both with staying with my ex too long as well as having affairs while with my ex. I truly want to get to the bottom of this and I feel that the only way that will happen is if I am completely honest with everyone trying to help me. If I wasn't trying to be honest, I wouldn't have brought up my past here. But Wakeup, I do appreciate your candid view of things and advice. Just talking to you has made it easier to talk to my therapist in person.