How did this happen ???

[IWS2013]

So she texted me and asked me to call her.

OK...I called her
We had a civil, but odd conversation.

A few of my friends that are girls have fake profile pics and she is inquisitive and found that out on her own a couple of months back and blew her cork, saying I made them up and I'm a liar. We got past that.

So, the first thing she asked me on this call was she wants me to be completely honest with her.
She said she got home last night and was feeling bad over everything and missing me terribly.
But she still had the FB thing in her mind, and felt like I was lying about that, and thus other things.

I told her just because a few of my microcosm of FB friends mess with their profile pics, what does that have to do with me? Why would I create their profiles? What would I have to gain? I told her I have 620 friends, and I opened it up publicly so she can check all of them.

She said she wants to believe me so badly, but in her gut, she just can't.

I told her that I cannot tell her more than the truth, and I said just go with your gut, but your gut is wrong.


We got off the call peacefully.

Uggh.....

[toknow]

How are you guys? Who else were you talking about?

"How are you guys?" is extremely casual, like everything is peachy, that's why she said you were "manipulating" her. If anything you should have said only "How are you?" You have to be consistent. You should have only referred to her and not in a casual way. Meaning: she contacts you and is focused on your relationship - her texts, etc. reflect that. If you call, or text and you do not show the same focus and you make it seem like you couldn't care less, do not be surprised that she responded that way.

She sees herself going crazy and you just being nonchalant about it. That's why she responded that way.

[smackie9]

It's obvious to me she was hoping for a truce and a request for a talk to settle things...she is just being passive aggressive....this is her crappy way of communicating she wants to talk. Like some dumb females, they get mad because you can't read their flippin mind.

[toknow]

Don't feed into her suspicion and in this particular situation don't overdo explaining yourself to her - that places the ball in her court. In fact as soon as you saw that she was hung up on this you should have said that if she doesn't want to believe you that's fine. If you had done that she would have had no place to go with this.

[IWS2013]

Well, I told her it's not my job to defend what others do with their profiles, and if she chooses to go with her gut over this, then go for it. I did, however, make it very clear in discussing it that what would be my gain by making up those profiles? Money? Attention? Nothing. I made it clear it was ludicrous to think I did that.

[smackie9]

On an emotional level this is tearing you apart....you are being blamed for thinks you have no control over because she is so god damn paranoid. It is her issue if she can't trust you. She is the one that has sabotaged this relationship with you. Seriously tho, it is truly sad she is throwing away a great thing and to boot she knows this....she has some great demons controlling her life....and even if she gets it under control, the cycle will repeat it's self whether you like to admit it or not. Just for a few moments step out away from the emotions and see it for what it is.

[smackie9]

Well, I told her it's not my job to defend what others do with their profiles, and if she chooses to go with her gut over this, then go for it. I did, however, make it very clear in discussing it that what would be my gain by making up those profiles? Money? Attention? Nothing. I made it clear it was ludicrous to think I did that.

It seems to me you are the only adult in this relationship. She's acting like a crazed 13 year old. Do you really want that involved in your family unit?

[smackie9]

Don't feed into her suspicion and in this particular situation don't overdo explaining yourself to her - that places the ball in her court. In fact as soon as you saw that she was hung up on this you should have said that if she doesn't want to believe you that's fine. If you had done that she would have had no place to go with this.

Yes she would...she would start up on something else....this has be ongoing...she will not stop....she is trying to justify the way she feels...it's like she wants it to be true.

[toknow]

You should have said much less to her about this - you shouldn't have fed into it. Because when you do continue talking about it, you confirm to her that it's a big deal if not consciously again subconsciously - what you wanted to show her is that, it's not and that she is wrong.

But, you have to understand even though her actions might not be rational, she obviously cares about you, or she would not be wasting the energy and time doing this. It would be much worse if she were indifferent - then you have a huge problem if you love her.

So, don't take this for granted and don't treat her like a psycho or the enemy.

[IWS2013]

I know...but by ducking it, it would have made it seem suspicious. I was very clear, calm, and did not lose my cool. I told her if that is how she feels, then there is nothing I can say to make her feel different. I firmly believe she is thinking and thinking now. This seems like it was what was coloring everything going on. I believe it. Now, I step back.

[IndiReloaded]

I know people like this. She needs counselling. This can't be dealt with logically b/c her fear isn't rational. You can't help her. She is going to self-sabotage until she faces whatever issues she has about relationships and trust. She may recover from this but it will happen again. This is not a relationship you will ever be safe and comfortable in.

Trust = comes from her
Trustworthy = comes from you. You sound trustworthy, so it's in her court what to do.

Take care of yourself. Find someone emotionally intact. Good luck.

[toknow]

Do not treat her like a stranger or you will lose her. You have to treat her like someone very close to you. That's why you shouldn't get defensive about it, nor "insult" her in any way. And note, you can do that by the way you react to her even if you don't realize it.

Love can erase doubt. And even though you are showing some distance by not being emotional with her right after you had deleted her profile, etc., your love for her should still manifest itself and not make her feel like you are a stranger to her.

[IWS2013]

Yes, but after that call, any more attempts to contact her will look odd.
I really think it is in her court, since she has the issue with me, no?

[toknow]

You should have handled it differently with much less words and no don't keep calling. But, you also can't end conversation on a sour note - that will not help the chances of your getting back together.

When you have a "break" like you did you have to take communication with a lot of caution - no empty words - so contrary to popular belief, texting in this case is actually better because you can formulate exactly what you want to say. After you have fixed some things carefully, you can start calling, etc.

I'm not sure if I have all the information and the sequence of your calling and texting each other, to say if you should call or if it should be her, but from what I gather it should be her calling. It got very messy, that's why I told you, you needed to keep words to a minimum at resuming communication.

[smackie9]

I know...but by ducking it, it would have made it seem suspicious. I was very clear, calm, and did not lose my cool. I told her if that is how she feels, then there is nothing I can say to make her feel different. I firmly believe she is thinking and thinking now. This seems like it was what was coloring everything going on. I believe it. Now, I step back.

And if you started sucking up to her, pacifying her, telling her you lover, miss her and would do anything for her would also enable her behavior and give her all the control.

I still say no matter, even if this settles down she is find something else to get paranoid on. It's a losing battle. You will be walking on egg shells continuously.