When is it "acceptable" to ask about views on having children? When is too soon?

[lalalita]

My 28 year old sister has started chatting (re-chatting?) with a man who has a 13 year old son (he's only 32). They've had a thing for each other for quite some time, but much like myself, my sister really wants a baby sometime in the near future. I'm the type of person who throws everything out on the table in the early stages of dating so intentions are clear. I've been advising her to just flat out ask him if he's interested in having more children, since this would be a deal breaker for her if his answer was no. He's made it clear to her that he is looking to get married, but no talk of kids.

She's afraid asking this "too soon" will scare him into thinking she has their children's names picked out and his last named already paired with hers. While I do agree this type of question can be scary if asked too soon, I have no idea when is "too soon".

Thoughts?

[Starnique]

It really just depends on how deep the conversation is. If they have already discussed their plans and feelings about marriage, that would have been a perfect time to throw the feelings about having future children in there.

[ZombieGirl]

In my opinion, it is never too soon. I mean, I'd certainly put some thought and effort into appropriately phrasing her inquiry so he doesn't immediately think she is hoping to get pregnant with triplets tomorrow.

If I were her, the next time the subject of marriage comes up, I think after whatever they say about it that she casually follows with, "What about more kids? Are you looking to eventually have more?" I think that if it is phrased that way, he won't be scared off because she is honestly just asking more about what he is looking for in his future. In my opinion, it is the same as asking a person what their career aspirations are, or where they would like to retire. It is simply a question with which one can determine long term compatibility.

Unless a girl is flat out saying, "I want to have babies soon; do you want babies?" I don't think the guy will be scared off. Hell, my current boyfriend and I discussed our thoughts on children on our second or third date, and we're only 21 and 24! It didn't scare him off; we just wanted to determine if we were on the same page with everything because, if we weren't, then there would be no point in continuing dating because it could lead to heartbreak and disappointment if we didn't establish these things early on.

Better to know now and make a determination on whether the relationship is worth pursuing rather than not asking, sticking it out, and finding out that later that the answer isn't what she wanted to hear after it is too late and she has become attached.

[smackie9]

. He's made it clear to her that he is looking to get married, but no talk of kids.


Thoughts?

If he is talking marriage then she can talk about kids. She needs to grow a pair and discuss this promptly if this relationship is to go any further.

[smackie9]

If this kind of talk is going to scare him away then so be it. That means he is not the one, and isn't mature enough to think about the future.

[VincenzoG91]

At your sister's age, it is perfectly reasonable to bring up the kids question as soon as possible. There isn't a reasonable compromise between having a kid and not having a kid, and her fertility is headed for a decline in the coming years, so this is a potential dealbreaker that needs to be addressed now.

[basilandthyme]

I had this discussion with my hubby the day after we met. It wasn't specific to him and me, but more of a "what are you looking for in a relationship?" type question.

[lalalita]

Thanks guys! She ended up asking, "What would your ideal future look like?" and having a daughter was part of his answer!

Thanks for the answers!