Scared and Confused

[Aquafresh]

Before I start, I apologize for writing too much; I just want you to have a broader understanding of the situation, in order for me to get precise advices. Nevertheless I’m identifying each part of the story, so you can skip things if you want.

(Intro)

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 months now; everything has been going alright, as far as I can tell. But there are a few things that have been bothering me a bit, and making me confuse at the same time. I’m 22 years old and he is 27. He is my FIRST boyfriend (he doesn’t know), and in his case, he has had a few GF, I don’t know how many.

(About him)

Before I start saying what bothers me, let me briefly describe him. He is really a nice guy, we both share the same passion (career wise) and that’s how we met (at school, we were friends for like 3 years, before we started dating) he’s very smart, social, funny, etc etc. But he is the serious guy, not the one that goes around flirting with girls and stuff. He is not physically that attractive, but I mainly like him because of his personality.

(You should read this)

In the short amount of time that we have been together, we have had very serious conversations. He told me he LOVES me, he wants us to live together (not now now, but within the next year) that he wants to marry me, and what “scares” him is that he’s not scared of doing those things with me.

(My thoughts of this relationship)

It has been a dream for me to really have a boyfriend, because I was surrounded by people who were or have been in relationships, and things like that, except for me. Now that I finally have a BF, I feel scared. I feel we might be moving too fast, we slept together after 1 ½ month of dating, I think we did it too soon, but at the same time I wanted to do it too. There are many other things that makes my mind wonder, but I’m not going to write all of that.

(The problem)

Also, since this is my first relationship, I don’t really know how I feel. I don’t want to confuse you, but lets see if I can explain myself. I do care about him, I do love him, I enjoy spending time with him, and doing stuff, I like when we have those deep thinking conversations. But I think I love him as a friend, not as a boyfriend. I don’t know if its just because this is the beginning of the relationship, I don’t have those deep feeling like he does. I mean this is the first time I’m experiencing this, so I’m not sure how this works.

I have nothing to compare him with (feelings wise). Like in his case, he says he’s never felt so confident of telling a girl that he wants to marry her. I have nothing in my case. I feel like he has all these experiences, I mean he’s 27 yrs old. He has had previous GF, and he’s still friend with one of them (which it doesn’t bother me, she lives in another state, married with kids). I have never dated a guy before; I was too shy, too introvert; but I went through some experiences that made me a more outgoing person now.

(Help?)

Knowing now part of my story, what do you think? What do you recommend me to do? I really care about him, and don’t want to lose a good guy. Sometimes I do have strong feelings for him, and feel like I’m in love, sometimes I don’t and sometimes I see him just as a friend. Besides all that I feel like I want to experience more with other people, before a commit with one.

Also, in case I do decide to maybe take a break or something, how can I tell him that without hurting him? Or if I decide to just stay friends…. I’m scared and confused.

(Let me throw you a bomb)

Because I’ve been afraid of expressing these feelings to him, every time we talk about moving together, having kids (in the far future, we both know that), saying each other I LOVE you… I’ve told him that I want the same things and that I love him too. So I’m guessing whenever I talk to him (if I do) he’s going to be confuse, and think I was mean? Maybe?...

(Thanks)
Thank you so much for reading this you guys, I really appreciate it.
I have no one else to talk about this, I really need the help.

[Aquafresh]

I wrote a lot so you guys could understand my situation. This is a tempt of summarizing it very shortly so you can give me some comments.

I've been in a serious relationship for 3 months now with a friend from 3 years approx. (first boyfriend, he doesn't know). We are having conversations already of moving together, marrying, etc. But I'm not at that phase right now, I actually think sometimes I like him as a friend instead, I'm really confused. I don't know how to handle this situation. I don't know if I should talk to him now, or wait a few more months to see if my feelings evolve more.

what do you guys think? what should I do? Is it normal not to have strong feeling so soon? Please I need advice of the whole situation. I appreciate it.

[basilandthyme]

Aquafresh, I agree that he's rushing it. 3 months really is too soon to know if he wants to marry you...and I guess he's scared because his common sense is telling him the same thing.

I suggest you continue seeing him. Yes, have sex and fun and all the great things you're doing and just find out if you're suited in your own good time. After all, you're only 22 and there's no reason to rush.

[ninetoe1024]

Aquafresh, don't worry, I am a guy who knows nothing about these things except for the way I would want to be told. If it were
me, I would want you to tell me the absolute TRUTH. everything. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It might
hurt me, but it would also build an unbreakable trust between me and you. When a guy can trust a girl to tell him the truth, that
is something to be treasured, and your relationship might just expand because of that. If he goes nuts, tell him that you just want
to wait a little. Maybe tell him you want to finish med school if you're going that direction, or you want to just _wait_.
If he really likes you and _understands_ you, he should not take this wrong, unless he has been into a few bottles of Coors, or if he
is seriously immature. In that case, you'd be opening a can of worms that you would regret a half a dozen or less years down the road.
There is one thing that a lot of couples just DON'T get: When it comes to marriage, you get it right the first time, because, biblicaly,
this is not a Trial and Error thing, and let the only thing to separate you be death.
And, no, I do not have nine toes.

[BobxMarley]

Sometimes if you rush discussion about moving in together or having kids it can become overwhelming. These are all life changing topics and should be discussed when you both feel comfortable, in love, and sure your relationship has a lot of substance. You are still very young and I think you are just being overwhelmed. Its okay to care about someone but realize that the relationship might not be for you. Listen to that voice in the back of your head and that feeling in your gut and you will be fine. By freaking out you end up over complicating the situation which just adds more stress onto an already stressful decision.

If you just want to slow the relationship down, don't be afraid to be honest with your partner and suggest that. If you feel that while you guys care for each other, the relationship might not be right for you, don't be afraid to end it. Just take some deep breaths, calm yourself, close your eyes, and ask yourself the questions which you need answers for. You will give yourself the answers. Just don't overturn those answers by making excuses to justify things.

Realistically, you're 22. You will probably date other people before you find what you're looking for. While that isn't the easy answer, it will probably be the one you realize is true.