Hoping for more than friendship w/ him- any chance of that? If not, stop seeing him?

[nycnf]

I'm a single female, new to this forum & this is my first posting (sorry if it's kind of long, wanted to include all the important info)--

About two years ago, I placed an ad online looking for a tennis player and a man around my age responded (we're both in our 50s.) He and I started playing tennis once or twice a week & have been doing that on a regular basis since then, for about two years now (we each also play tennis against other people.) At first it was just tennis, but I always enjoyed his company so about six months later, we started talking more often plus emailing a lot (he lives about 30 minutes from me)-- lively discussions about politics, sports, travel, etc. Plus we began spending more time together doing other things besides tennis: going out to eat, exploring the area, going to sports events, etc.

He told me he was transferred to this area by his job shortly before we met & had been divorced for a while, had been dating on & off since then but nothing serious. Was never clear to me whether he was dating anyone currently, but that didn't matter as long as we were just playing tennis. Around the same time that we began doing other things together, he also started giving me compliments on my appearance (I'd been increasing my workouts & getting in even better shape, growing my hair grow longer, etc.) so it seemed like maybe he was interested in something more happening. I started feeling attracted to him where previously, had seen him mainly as a tennis partner & maybe a friend. (Also, while he's a nice-looking guy, young-looking for his age like me & very down-to-earth, not superficial, not a "player", when we first met, he didn't really seem like my physical "type".) We're both kind of shy & maybe both of us felt awkward at that stage because we'd just been "friends" for a year, never really "flirting" with each other. (Plus, not sure about him, but it had been a while for me since dating or being involved with anyone, so I was out of practice!)

Well, just over a year ago, after we had a nice casual lunch & were sitting together outdoors after taking a long walk, I impulsively leaned up against him & told him how much I enjoyed his company & that I was going to miss him while he was away (he travels for his job every few weeks.) Hey, men often say they wish women would make the first move more often, but for me, it was very unnerving to do that, especially since I got rejected right afterwards! (though he did let me down very gently.) What happened was he didn't react physically back at all, instead, he just said that since his job might transfer him out of the area soon (something that occurred every few years), he hadn't been seeking a relationship for a while due to this. (At least that's my vague memory of what he said-- I was still in shock after making the first move & being rejected!)

Well, that happened over a year ago, it was awkward for both of us, but somehow we got "past it" and went back to playing tennis, emailing/talking & doing other things together and it has continued that way up till now. (He's still living in the area, he hasn't been transferred by his job... hmmm? ) And I've told myself that he has a right to be interested in being friends only, nothing more, for whatever reason-- I'm not his type? he has his own issues? he's really interested in someone else? involved w/ someone else? (but if that was true, how is he able to spend so much time with me during evenings and weekends?) But sometimes I wonder whether we should have just stopped spending time together right after the "incident" a year ago, that maybe our friendship/relationship was "tarnished" by it. Since last year I haven't had any success with meeting someone new for dating, etc. & I still feel attracted to him, though I try to "suppress" it (and the attraction varies in intensity from day to day, isn't always the same.)

For my birthday a while ago, he treated me a baseball game & dinner (We usually either pay our own way or take turns paying for things.) We still have lively conversations, joke around together & enjoy laughing at similar things. But there's no flirting going on & he only occasionally gives me the type of compliments he was dishing out last year (though we're both supportive of each other, encourage each other about things in our life.) Guess I've been put in the dreaded "Friend-Zone" and hey, I've had male platonic friends before so I can appreciate that type of friendship. But previously, those platonic friendships had no messy attraction in the way. A female friend/tennis partner recently advised me to just enjoy his friendship for what it is, without hoping for anything more, but lately I've been feeling frustrated spending time with him, it reminds me how I was "rejected" over a year ago. Also maybe having him in my life prevents me from making a real effort to meet someone new for a romantic relationship? So now I'm wondering whether I should stop seeing him/talking to him completely and end the friendship? (If so, how to handle this-- just "fade away"? or tell him a reason?) Any feedback or advice would be appreciated!

[nycnf]

Feedback/Advice from someone here? Waiting for responses...

[surfhb2]

Its rare a guy would hang out with a woman for so long and just be friends.

I think you may need to steep it up a notch and flat out tell him what you need.

[averageguy6]

Maybe he is not into you. Maybe he is gay. Maybe a fetishist...who knows if you dont ask!??

[jnickjohns]

Definitely talk to him about your feelings. If he's not into you, you know you can move on. If you've spent a year just worrying about the 'incident' then it's definitely time to figure this out!

If you're thinking he may be one reason you're not getting yourself out there and dating, or you're considering dropping the friendship, it can't hurt to be honest and open about how you feel. You may be pleasantly surprised, and you may be hurt, but knowing you tried is the best thing you can do for your peace of mind. It's better to know and move on to the next great thing than to obsess over something you have the power to change.

Good luck!

[TablesandChairs]

If I were you, I'd put those feelings or rejection aside and just enjoy it for what it is; a friendship, going out to places etc. But maybe try to get out there in the process; as in, don't spend all your free time with him - meet new people instead, go on dates and who knows? You might meet someone new and your attraction towards him will fade and you'll be more than happy just being buddies.

He knows you like him but for whatever reasons, he's not coming to the party. That's okay - you tried! Besides, it could be for the best, you don't know if he'd make a particularly good partner.