Confused about an affair

[MrFahrenheit]

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. Several years into the marriage we began having problems. Both of us were to blame, and both of us promised to do our parts to fix the relationship.

Fast forward to the present day: we have not had sex in almost 6 years. I'm in my late 30s, and I feel my romantic life dying. We aren't even intimate. I have made many positive changes in my life. She has changed some, as well. However, where I feel I have become more open and loving, she has become closed off and distant. We are on our third marriage counselor, and I have made it known, loud and clear, that our marriage needs to get better soon, or it's over.

Mainly, I need sex and I need intimate contact. I feel lonely and unloved. I've had it with celibacy. My wife has spent the last several years promising we would have sex again, but it's always on her terms, and it has never happened. A couple of weeks ago when I finally put my foot down about the relationship, I think something may have stirred in her. She's now talking about getting an IUD procedure, because she does not want a child.

The problem is, I don't know if this another empty promise, and I'm tried of being a sucker. My wife claims she misses our sex life, but is disinterested in sex.

That said, the rest of our marriage is great. We have been together for 19 years, and we are each other's best friend. We spend the evenings together, rather than separating every evening after work and live our own lives. We do things together on the weekends... everything except the sex and physical intimacy.

I very recently met a woman who is in a similarly difficult marriage lacking intimacy, but her husband has the added of bonus of psychological problems that are not being properly treated. She does not want to divorce due to her children, but she is damn well convinced that she wants to have an affair.

And she wants to have her affair with me.

I am hesitant. While I am starved for sex, and I feel a connection to this woman, my first instinct is to feel guilt. I feel trapped because I'm not getting any sex or intimacy from my wife,and I feel too guilty for getting it elsewhere. You can imagine how depressing this is.

I have friends that tell me I'm stupid to either still be married and/or NOT have an affair. Some people think that an affair is wrong no matter what, I've also read theories that an affair can resurrect a marriage. Religious moralism does not work on me, as I don't subscribe to that hokum. I'm more interested in the real life where real people live with real problems.

Thoughts?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You haven't had sex in 6 years and you think your romantic life is dying??!?!?!

It is in the 7th Circle of Hell.

If you are too much of a bitch, to dump this bitch, then you should be having affairs.

[4 ratties]

Holy crap 6 years! That's some serious patience man! Cheating brings so much guilt when u are a good person and u seem like a very loyal good guy.
You do need your needs met though and you've waited a long time! I personally would wait to have sex until after u are divorced or at least seperated...

[michelle23]

no an affair is not the answer. you have tried to fix this for 6 years. its not working, shes not gonna change so you do need to separate. getting involved with a married woman who has kids is not the answer either.

you need to end your marriage. then go and find a single divorcee where you can have no strings attached sex for a while. heal and get over the loss of your marriage before meeting a new woman and starting a proper relationship. make sure she is single too

an affair wont make you happy. they are so complicated and hurt too many people. dont throw your integrity away now

the only other answer if you wont leave is to ask your wife for an open marriage

[averageguy6]

Divorce please

[horndog]

You really have nothing to lose by talking to your wife and telling her how you feel. I am a very faithful man and love my wife but as much as I love everything about her I could not go 6 years without sex. Im not saying you should cheat or have an affair, but I doubt too many people would blame you if you found a Fbuddy. That does not make it right, but good lord 6 years?

[Maple1714]

6 years???? Wow. I once went 1 year without sex and I felt like a born again virgin.

Sexual intimacy is very important. Can you two try laying on top of each other naked? LOL. Seriously, do you guys ever just get naked and cuddle or spoon? If you just chill naked you're bound to want to stick something somewhere right? Have you tried to take anti-anxiety medicine and then try and have sex?

[TablesandChairs]

Something has 'killed' her libido - it could be the nature of the problems you experienced. It could also be a psychological problem that couples counselling does not really address (she would need to see her own therapist for a proper evaluation). I think women are more likely to shut off sexually when something is bothering them - I've been there, though 6 years is quite a record.

Even though you've been starved sexually etc, try to have some respect for your wife - don't cheat, seek separation instead. If you've honestly tried everything and have no more patience, end things and then do what you have to do. Cheating will fill you with guilt and it'll make her feel like crap. I don't think she's sexually distant to be malicious, something is clearly very wrong.