How Important to a Man is Having your Life/Finances in Order When it Comes to Dating?

[BarneyMosby]

I didn't say it was his "job" but as for me, I want to live a certain lifestyle and I wouldn't marry a guy that couldn't provide me with that. I don't want to struggle or have just enough. I can see if I didn't have anything to offer myself but that wouldn't be the case. It is going to be equal. He is my equal or greater and I have no problem looking out for him. I'm not selfish at all but I do need him to have himself together very well and if I'm his wife, hell yeah I will benefit from it. He will benefit from having me around.

You are definitely not the type of guy I would date because I don't like your attitude about it. Not you personally but your type.

When you say provide, do you mean that the sum of your financial situations provides that certain lifestyle, or do you mean that his financial situation provides that certain lifestyle? The old "my money is my money, his money is our money" thing. Serious question, I'm curious.

For me, my ex wife was a "my money is my money, his money is our money" person. Never again. I'm not saying that if I fell in love with a waitress (doubtful for many reasons) I would hold the fact that she makes crap money against her, its all in the attitude.

[namemyname]

Some great responses here, guys, I really appreciate the honesty. And for once, no ones bagging on someone else! Its a nice day on the LF.

The replies rather echo what he says - that he doesn't feel good about himself right now, because his house isn't in order. I really think this is more a guy thing, because as a woman, it wouldn't deter me from dating, but I know the notion of providing/protecting is more important to a man.

I guess you're right that it does speak more to his value system and potential for a woman once he's in a better place.

[LifeInflux]

I would want my partner to want for nothing... and I always like paying for dates, or presents.. or just random niceties, and some guys are just this way. If I couldn't pay for these things, my focus would be on doing what I can do with what little I have. Cost and expense isn't an indication of how much you care.

I'm not a rich man by any stretch of the imagination. I'm well off in many ways, and some might consider me successful. I like to treat those I care about when I can afford to.

Would I date if I was not financially in a place to do so? In a sense, no - because my priorities would be off. I struggle from time to time now, but I always find money for the things I deem important.

If I waited to have all of my stuff in order.. tons of money, a new job, a new car, or a new house.... I would never date.

[HDBadger]

I agree a hundred percent with Barney. It's all in the definition of "provide."

If you live a 50k lifestyle, for example, and one of your main motivations
for being with a guy is that you'll then be able to live a 100k lifestyle, you are selfish and materialistic. No debate.

But if you already live a 100k lifestyle, and expect the guy to be roughly on that level, then you are being completely reasonable.

[Coddy555]

I have a guy friend who is currently refusing to date, because as he has said, he doesn't feel good about himself because he's having a hard time making ends meet.

Is this really that important to men? Apparently it can be, but as a woman, I would find it silly, but again, men and their careers, feeling confident, like a provider...

As a guy, if you were unemployed, would you delay dating?

This really depends from the value system of the guy.

Some guys flirt all the time and date different women all the time ALTHOUGH their whole life is a mess.

Other guys, like your friend, need to have the other stuff handled, before they give themselves permission to do it.

I am probably somewhere in between.

[basilandthyme]

I agree. I have no problem with a guy not wanting to start dating when he has money problems, dating can be expensive. What I do find funny (as you did) is how some women here appear to be hung up on the dudes status as a potential "provider". Seems pretty shallow to me.

It's not just women who see men as having the potential to be a provider - my husband is also keen to be a provider. He's said that he's worked long and hard enough that he likes to be able to have me at home running the house so that he can just come home and relax at the end of the day.

Just as well he's got this attitude because I'm very limited in my work abilities as I have to also care for our disabled son. Heaven knows how we'd manage if he didn't have the attitude of wanting to provide.

[Jffs24]

Not having alot of money never stopped me or any of my friends from still dating, if you like someone you work it out.
I could see how it would stop peeps from thinking about marrying, but dating, no.

[horndog]

It's not just women who see men as having the potential to be a provider - my husband is also keen to be a provider. He's said that he's worked long and hard enough that he likes to be able to have me at home running the house so that he can just come home and relax at the end of the day.

Just as well he's got this attitude because I'm very limited in my work abilities as I have to also care for our disabled son. Heaven knows how we'd manage if he didn't have the attitude of wanting to provide.

You just replied by stating everything that your husband became "after" you started dating. That is entirely different than what the Op was posing. When you first laid eyes on your hubby would it have made a difference to you deciding to date him if her were broke, unemployed and living with his parents?

I feel for your current situation. I think if I had a child that required constant care I too would do exactly what you and your husband are doing. My hat's off to both of you.

[TablesandChairs]

When people have money woes, they're not in the best of moods; their focus is on bettering their circumstances so dating might not be something they actively seek. Understandable.

As for the 'provider' thing - it's got more to do with ones attitude than their wealth. My friends husband had her living on an 'allowance' when she had a child and was out of work for a year (despite him earning triple figures, the house way paid for etc). If she needed to buy anything for the child, she had to ask. She returned to work asap so she could actually have a life. I never look at what a man had in the present as an indicator.

[michelle23]

i have a lot of respect for men who have the provider mentality and i feel it is sad that many young men today lack the same motivation and drive as past generations. i enjoy working, ive worked hard since the age of 13-both in school and the work place and i have never wanted to be a housewife or have a man provide for me but many womens priorities change once they have children and i am not naive enough to think that it would be easy for me to still work full time with young children at home without feeling guilt or disapointment so therfore i think its important when planning for the future to have choices and oprtions.

i think its important for men to aim a little higher when planning a family and to be willing to provide if necessary

[namemyname]

This really depends from the value system of the guy.

Some guys flirt all the time and date different women all the time ALTHOUGH their whole life is a mess.

Other guys, like your friend, need to have the other stuff handled, before they give themselves permission to do it.

I am probably somewhere in between.

Yes, I think its also like another poster said. If he were playing around, he likely wouldn't care. But, if he were interested in an emotional connection or something serious, he might sit out the dance.

i have a lot of respect for men who have the provider mentality and i feel it is sad that many young men today lack the same motivation and drive as past generations.

It's partially a generational thing, but also the economy in the US is pure shit. Most jobs you can find now are part-time, and as a server or bartender. Most of America is struggling right now, or at the least, seen a serious drop in quality of life.

[pcmaster]

I think thats stupid to refuse dating if you are broke. Its just dating after all not marrying or something. The best things are free, the love is free. How much that it cost to tell a woman that shes beautiful? Do you must have X amound of money to have girlfriend? What if girl dont care how much money you got, but she just dont wana be alone?

So many couples start with nothing. I seen some milionares who had nothing but just two hands and eachother from the begining. Dont thing they would became rich with mentality where money comes first before the love. What women dont understand that when we men find the one(that special girl) we can do anything. Theres no stoping us to achieving our dreams. We are the engine you are our fuel.

Look for example at Arnold Swarcheneger. He might be without money when he came to U.S.(he had 20$) But he always had more or less serious girfriends. I believe just like steroids are changing body, love is like putting your life on steroids. Thats what helps to stay focused on life, creates dreams, brings sucsess and fuels ambitions.

[fearoflove]

If you got no money but you are well educated and have great potential to succeed with a great personality, not having much money doesn't deter you from attracting a quality woman. But if you are total loser, it would create problems because women isn't attracted to that kind of men. And without some money (not talking about being very wealthy), it is difficult to come up with things to do as you progress into the relationship since many dating activities cost money. But as I say, if you got a great personality (never a boring moment) and creative with your dating plans, you can show her a good time without spending money.

[smackie9]

Nothing wrong with finding a rich sugar momma to get you through the rough times.

[fearoflove]

Nothing wrong with finding a rich sugar momma to get you through the rough times.

Ya, a nasty middle aged overweight woman. Gross. And the guy got to be hot.