Breakup Questions

[BobxMarley]

I split up with my girlfriend around 3 months ago. We completely broke off communication until recently when we decided to meet up for dinner. We didn't talk about our relationship at all. We just talked about whats current in each others lives. The next day we were texting each other and I felt like it would be good if we met up again to discuss why our relationship failed.

We met for breakfast and we had a really good talk. We determined we failed due to lack of communication and my lack of commitment. Most everything she had to say seemed so clear to me now. The time apart really allowed me to see the situation through her eyes. Its almost as if me understanding her lifted a huge weight off my chest. I thanked her for the talk and told her I feel like these are things we can fix. She expressed that she doesn't want to rush back into the relationship unless she feels like we've fixed everything. She also told me that she is dating someone casually. I told her I respected her decision and that we should keep in touch and if it starts feeling right, maybe we can try it again. She agreed and that is where we currently stand.

We were together for 4.5 years. She is 26 and I am 25. We had a healthy relationship and we've always cared for each other. She just said she started to shut down when she felt I'd never commit to her. Which, I attribute as the source to the problems that led to us being unhappy and eventually breaking up.

I'd like to get the forums perspective on this situation. My plan is to just move forward with my life unless something changes. I think this my only option as she said she is currently dating. Also, does anyone have any experience where a breakup actually helped the relationship? I feel like the clarity I've gained from the breakup has helped me see everything in a new light.

[searock]

I think you should just use the information you received thanks to this break up and use it to not make the same mistakes in your future relationships. As for your ex, I think you should stop talking to her, because it will just keep you anchored to the past.

[BobxMarley]

Yeah. I guess this is a case of hindsight is 20/20. Who knows, maybe we'll sort things out. Maybe not. Life is crazy.

[horndog]

Keep in touch with her but in a very casual way and move forward with your life. You should not wait around for her. You should also not in any way try to interfere with her current relationship. I dated my wife all through college with a few break-ups along the way. The final break up lasted for a little over 6 months. We both finally just realized that despite the things that led to our break-up, we were more happy together and better people than when we were apart. That was a few kids, two houses, two dogs, 6 cars, and a whole bunch of wedding anniversaries ago.

[4 ratties]

Just see her causally if you want and see if anything more progresses.. If it doesn't, then it wasnt meant to be

[Ginger2013]

I broke up with my bf about a month ago, we were apart only 2 weeks, but it made his eyes open. Very different situation though, he was abusive, we're trying again, he's getting help and actually improving himself willfully, so it's working. I believe in second chances. But I think that you should definitely move on in this situation because she is dating someone else and didn't show too much enthusiasm in getting back together. If she really wanted to, you two would have continued the discussion about what will change, what ifs, I still love you, let's try it etc....

[TablesandChairs]

After 4+ years, it's understandable that your lack of commitment (either real or perceived) made her back away; not many people want to invest that much time into a relationship if they think it's not going to lead anywhere; i.e. marriage, kids and so forth.

I think if you address that issue, given that you said it was a healthy relationship for the most part, then there's no reason why things can't be different the second time around.

[BobxMarley]

Thanks for your perspective TablesandChairs.

[bulrush]

Was she pressuring you to get married and you weren't ready? Don't get married unless you know for sure you are ready.

[poojamittal]

Sorry to hear. As she is in relationship you should respect her decision. You can talk to her as a friend. I am sure she will prove herself a good friend.