Dumped to get back with her ex... My long story

[Magicsponge]

This will be a long story, so bear with me, I need to do this to help me get through…

I permanently separated from my wife in January this year, and hadn’t even contemplated another relationship until I met this amazing girl online in May, who happened to be from my town. It seemed fated, and we immediately got on well and I knew straight away that this could be something special.

The only problem was, that she was in a long term (5 year) relationship with a guy with whom she had a 3 year old daughter. She assured me that in her mind, the relationship was over, because he had been both physically abusive once, and mentally abusive constantly, during the course of their relationship. He would regularly rage and her and trash their house, and call her names such as fat, slag, whore, bad mum, etc. He even controlled who she could have on her Facebook friends list, and would accuse her of slagging around with other guys, even though he cheated on her whilst pregnant. She said that she couldn’t even bear to touch him any more.

She was very flirty with me, and actively gave me the come on, but it was a while before I was able to Facebook friend her, and only then because she told him that I was just a guy she played with online… not a threat right? Anyway, we continued to play together, night and day, talking away on voice chat and having a great laugh… we had such chemistry that it seemed only natural for us to meet.

We first met at the beginning of June, going on a date to the cinema. Both clear that we weren’t just going as friends, but as dates. I can remember vividly the first time I saw her in the flesh. I swear I fell in love with her right there. The date was perfect, we had a great laugh, kissed lots, went for a drink afterwards and talked comfortably.

Things quickly escalated - we would spend more and more time chatting and playing together online. We were addicted to each other’s company, and would even talk on the phone during times when we couldn’t play and her partner was out. She would send me sexy pictures of herself and we would talk as if we wanted to be together. During the course of the next month or so, we had many, many more perfect dates, all behind his back, and she would lie to him about where she was. She told me that she had never been treated so well by a guy before. We had sex in my car, at her house (when he was out once - very risky!), at my house… and it was the most amazing sex ever. She would tell me how amazing I was, how much she loved me (and I know she did, I could see it in the way she looked at me). I felt the same as her… everything was great.

It was becoming increasingly difficult to sneak around though, as understandably, he was getting more suspicious of her excuses as to where she was, especially the couple of nights where she didn’t return home. She was very keen for him not to find out, which should have rang alarm bells, but he eventually left their house, having got tired of her lies, smashing up her PC in the process. Even then, she refused to admit to him that she’d been cheating, but with our ‘relationship’ becoming more serious, I was keen for him to know, and for them to split properly so we could be together. She was still reluctant to tell him she’d been cheating, but they did essentially split, with her citing reasons that she was sick of being abused by him, that they weren’t good for each other, etc. but never that she didn’t love him.

During their separation, we were pretty much inseparable. We had more great nights out, slept at each other’s houses together, and were like a proper couple. We took her daughter out to the park and to play centres. I know now that this was probably too much, too fast, but to me it seemed like the opportunity to be together properly, like we’d talked about so many times before. I treated this girl like a goddess, I would compliment her and mean it, take her out and never expect her to pay, took her shopping for outfits for our nights out, massaged her, anything. She commented many times that I was so good to her.

I knew she was still messaging him though, mostly to slag each other off, but it showed me she still cared and it made me uneasy. When I asked her about it, she accused me of being untrusting, but I just knew that she wasn’t completely over him, no matter how much she told me she was, and that she hated him, and after what he continued to call her. Anyway, he did eventually find out she was seeing someone, as we were spotted by some of his friends out on a night out. It took longer for him to find out who I was, but he eventually guessed and she confirmed it. She was a little angry about this at first, saying that I’d pushed her to tell him. She told me she needed time and space to think.

He soon message me a few times through Facebook, wanting an explanation, and I explained it was nothing personal, but I loved her. He wanted to know how long it had been going on, as he said they’d slept together 3 weeks previously, which would have been during the time we were sleeping together. Obviously, she denied this being the case, saying it had been much longer than that.

Later the same day, he messaged me saying she had been on the phone saying she still loved him and wanted him back, and wondered what she was playing at if she was still seeing me. I contacted her asking for an explanation, and she said she was confused. I told her that I loved her and wanted to be with her, and after seeking guidance from her mum, she got back to me and told me that she wanted to be with me too and not him.

We were now well into August and were doing coupley things, spending most of the time together. I was conscious that this was a lot of time, but I missed her when we were apart, and she was always asking me what we were doing the next day, and that I should stay over. She didn’t have a PC anymore, so we couldn’t have our online time, and I know she missed it. She’d already met my parents by the this point, but we went to a family gathering together as a couple and I met a lot of her family. They told me they approved and they were glad to see her so happy again, that they’d noticed a positive change in her. We went out in our local town after the do, and I was at first concerned about this, with a previous outing there being a bit of a bad idea after she blanked me whenever she saw one of his friends out, but that was a while back when we were still sneaking around. She assured me this time she didn’t care who saw, and that she would snog my face off in front of any of his friends. We didn’t see any, and it was a great night ending in her coming back to my place to spend the night. The morning after she had an argument with him on the phone, where he called her horrible names again, and she hit back with the old ‘he’s better than you in bed’ line.. trying to hurt each other again. We spent the next couple of days and nights together, basically chilling out until on Thursday I had to leave to go home to sort some things out. Everything seemed fine to me, as normal.

Turns out that during this time, she was back on to him, pouring her heart out, begging him to take her back. I didn’t know this at first, but when I contacted me later that day, asking if she wanted to come over to mine later, she told me through text message, that she couldn’t, that she needed space and time to think, thanked me for showing her how a relationship should be, saying that friendship was all she could offer at this moment, and that she wasn’t ready for another boyfriend.. I told her it would be impossible to go back to being friends with her after all we’d been through, as I felt too strongly about her, as I believed she did for me, but it appeared not. She also mentioned in this message about needing to be on her own for a bit to rebuild her life, and then later she could try being with someone, but she had him round to her house within an hour where they had a ‘heart-to-heart’ and came clean about everything. Seems they decided to give things another go with a clean slate. When I accused her of getting back with him, she denied it at first, but she couldn’t really hide her true reasons for breaking with me.

During a fruitless evening of trying to contact her to get an explanation, I find that I have been blocked on Facebook (at his request) and basically ignored, as he had slept over that night, just one night after I had been in that same bed with her. Further attempts to get her to at least explain to me were met with either silence, or curt messages telling me to stop it. This had come like a bolt from the blue, I really didn’t see it coming, which has made it so much harder to deal with. The woman who professed her love for me so often and so intensely had now discarded me as if I meant nothing. She once told me that she could never treat me the same way that she had treated him towards the end. I guess they were empty words. I sent her a lengthy email, listing all the great memories I had from our time together, hoping they would remind her of the great time we’d had, but it seems not to have made any difference.

She told me today that she still loves him and that they’re giving it another try. I suppose I always knew she still loved him, as much as I didn’t want to admit it to myself, and she’d always vehemently denied it before and it hurt me to hear it. I know she’d never told him that she loved me, or that she no longer loved him. I saw her later in the day while he was out, just to return her stuff and to get back some of mine. I fully intended to just get my stuff and go, but I couldn’t resist an attempt to get through to her. It was so hard seeing her and not being able to hold her and kiss her like I was used to and had been doing just the day before. She explained that she was probably confused, she couldn’t tell me that she didn’t love me when asked. I told her she really did need time alone to get her head sorted, that him being there wouldn’t help her with that. I eventually left having gotten nowhere, and he is now back at hers tonight. The thought of them together is driving me insane.

She tells me that I need to get over her and move on, that I’ll find someone else just like I found her, but I don’t want anyone else… she was perfect to me. I love her so much and I cannot believe she can switch off her feelings so easily. I am hurting like crazy, but she doesn’t seem to be, presumably because she has the comfort of someone else. I’m sure folks will say that I had this coming by getting involved with someone who was in a relationship, but it wasn’t a happy one and you can only steal someone who is willing to be stolen.

So, that’s my long story and this is where I am now. Alone and hurting like I never thought possible, with no prospect of things getting better. If you read all that, I thank you. I needed to get it all off my chest and out into the open.

[4 ratties]

Bad relationship or not, she cheated. Someone who's cabable of cheating, will do it again. She sounds like a very weak, confused woman. She just went back to an abuser. She lied to you. She went behind your back. And his too. So she's a liar and a sneak. For her child's sake she should leave the abuser, get her own little apartment or something and get over him and not move on to someone else right away. She's in no position to be in a mature relationship, she needs counseling or a back bone. I'm sorry you fell in love with her and are hurting. Only time will tell if she will do the right thing. Honestly i Dont think shes going to change or break away from him for good anytime soon. are u Wanting to just wait for her while shes with someone else?
Sounds like the bf she went back with is a real loser if the family was so happy she was with you and not the father of her baby. I'm sorry u got tangled in this

[smackie9]

You and millions of other that did the same thing have ended up alone again. 98% of the time they go back to or never leave their SO. You were a rebound relationship. She was emotionally weakened by your attention...anything looks good when you are being neglected in your relationship. And those who cheat usually embellish on how bad the relationship when it really isn't or they would have left ages ago. They are still in it for a reason....because they have hope.

Forget about her and don't do this again.

[Magicsponge]

Thank you both for your responses, and for reading my lengthy story. You've told me things that I subconsciously knew all along, but refused to let myself believe because I was blinded by love. I would have trusted her with any other guy in the world, but couldn't trust her with him, because I knew she wasn't done.

4 rattles, you're right that she needs to get somewhere else to live. While we were 'together', she actually put in for a house, our thinking being that it would allow us to have a fresh start and get away from his family who live close to her current address. I wouldn't have rushed to move in with her, but would have supported her move. It now turns out that they're planning to move there together for their clean slate, presumably because their current house has too many bad memories of me being there with her.

I don't want to see her with someone else.. but I love her, and at this moment in time, I would take her back in an instant if that was what she wanted. Sadly, it appears she has made up her mind and I don't feature in her plans. Smackie, although it hurts me to read it, I think you've hit the nail on the head. They had a lot of bad times together, but she must be holding on to the good times and hoping it can be like that again. Only time will tell I suppose. I can't just switch off like she apparently can though and forget about her. She's 25 though, 8 years younger than me, and while that never caused any problems, I know she's not as emotionally mature as me and is quite dependent on having somebody. I suppose I have to remember that she'll have been 19/20 when they got together, not first love, but not far from it.

I'm currently acting a bit desperate, which isn't normally like me, messaging her with disbelief that she could treat me like this, telling her I want her back. I'm getting no response to the texts, and when I called her, was just told that I'd have to try and move on... I don't feel like I can, it's all come too quickly

[smackie9]

You have to heal from a lost marriage and a whirlwind romance. 2 break ups in less than a year....I can see why you feel so gutted.

[Magicsponge]

It may have been whirlwind, but she has given me some of the best months of my life. She's shown me how great love can be, but also how much it can hurt. I could honestly see a future with her, and she even talked about it herself. I miss her and I know I will continue to do so. If there was any way I could get her back, I would do it, but I'm not sure there is.

[byro13]

I have to agree. Cheating is something that even you forgive, it will be always in your mind, if it can happen again? And 80% of cases it will.
In your case you will need a long time to heal and feel the life again. It took me a year to heal from my last and most horrible break up.

[smackie9]

It may have been whirlwind, but she has given me some of the best months of my life. She's shown me how great love can be, but also how much it can hurt. I could honestly see a future with her, and she even talked about it herself. I miss her and I know I will continue to do so. If there was any way I could get her back, I would do it, but I'm not sure there is.

It may look like love but it was infatuation, lust.....that's why she didn't stick around.

[LifeInflux]

It may look like love but it was infatuation, lust.....that's why she didn't stick around.

Eh, thats not why. She didn't stick around because she's an idiot and went back to what she knows. Lets face it, as "abusive" as that guy is, he's an idiot that they're back together, and the OP will more than likely hear from her again once she's not getting what she wants. Eventually she'll message him some other way, or text him or something, and hopefully it will be long after he's done and over the situation.

Women like this often repeat their same patterns time and again until the guys they go for stop falling for it... and right now both of these guys (if not more) still want to be with her.. so she can do pretty much whatever she wants... and treat them however she wants... spend a day acting apologetic and they are stupid enough to let her come back over and over again.

[smackie9]

Is their relationship is THAT abusive? No one really knows, because we are only hearing it from a third party. Cheating and lying go hand in hand so it's very possible she is bs-ing about the true state of the so called "abuse". They don't get along because they don't know how to communicate so of course you are going to get fights, disagreements, etc. She's a drama queen IMO claiming to be the victim to justify her infidelity. She has time invested with the father of her child. It's a natural reaction to want to keep the family together....why throw that away on someone you have known only for a couple of months.

You are right tho, she will be bouncing back and forth between those two, because they are the idiots for letting this crazy bitch manipulate them....and letting her get away with it.

[Magicsponge]

Is their relationship is THAT abusive? No one really knows, because we are only hearing it from a third party. Cheating and lying go hand in hand so it's very possible she is bs-ing about the true state of the so called "abuse".
<SNIP>
You are right tho, she will be bouncing back and forth between those two, because they are the idiots for letting this crazy bitch manipulate them....and letting her get away with it.

I've seen the abusive messages he's sent her, calling her all sorts of stuff, and I've how aggressive he can be when he was in the background whilst I was on voice chat to her. She is a natural liar though, she so easily lied to him constantly during our sneaking around together. As for crazy, maybe so. She does suffer from depression and has medication for it that she doesn't take.

I don't know if she'll try playing us off against each other again. It seems like she's very much set on being with him at the moment, and whenever I try to contact her either get ignored or get a response I got about 5 mins ago "Will you please stop with the calls and texts ffs, its getting weird". I just wish I knew how she could turn so quickly :/

[smackie9]

As most of us would say on here...she is one hot mess.

[smackie9]

Sure he may have sent her abusive texts...but probably provoked by her....you, nor do we know what happens behind closed doors. If she's a liar, she can't be trusted, she's a cheater....it's no wonder he is aggressive with her....no excuse but like yourself you are head over heels for this woman...love will make you crazy.

[Magicsponge]

The anger is coming now... she's out tonight on a night out for someone's birthday that we were going to go on together.. but instead she's out with him, wearing a dress bought by me. What a mug I've been!

[smackie9]

Nice slap on the face.........now you know she is not worthy of your love or attention.....time to throw the idea of being with her into the trash where it belongs.