She's so distant! Help!!

[Anonymous77]

My girlfriend and I started dating over 8 months ago. It was six and a half months of bliss. Even to this day we've never really ever had a fight or a disagreement. We're both in our early 30's and have had our share if relationships in the past. We're very mature and loving in the way we deal with each other. Everyone around us says we're such a wonderful and loving couple. Theyre shocked weve been dating less the a year because we're so solid. About a two months ago she started pulling away and wanting to spend significantly less time with me. I panicked a little, we had a great talk about it. She said she was stressing because she was unemployed and having a hard time adjusting to having to move back home. She was incredibly understanding a out my feelings. I was very understanding of hers and assumed that shed also probably felt she'd lost a little of herself spending so much time with me. I took a chill pill. Still loving a sweet but not needy or demanding. A week later she started a new job. I was happy and supportive and she was so excited. A week after she started working she spent the week with me. Every night shed come home so tired and distant. I felt really alone whenever she was around but chalked it up to her being tired and just tried to give her some space and be supportive. I remained loving and attentive but did my best to know when to back off and give her that time she needed. A week and a half ago we had a talk because we've not had sex in month and the very little that I do see her (shed come by for a half an hour after work one day during a whole week span) she's quite distant. She assured me again that she loves me and she's just trying to adjust to work and that we would through things. She kept stressing that she believes in us and that this is a we thing. A week ago I took her home to meet my family. They were awesome but overwhelming but she handled it like a pro. By the end of the weekend we'd managed to find stolen moments to reconnect and even make love. It was nice having my girl back. The day after we got back I headed to spend a few days with my cousin who was going through a rough patch. i thought it was probably a good time to get away a few days and take the pressure off of her to spend time with me since it woukd be a wicked week back at work. The whole week she got more and more distant. No more texts goodnight or good morning (that's never happend before), she barely returns my I love you texts, never initiates them. Didn't answer the only two times I called her or call me back. Im starting to freak again. She's said she'd work on this but each week she gets more and more distant. Here are my questions: am I right to freak out? Am I making too big of deal out of this in my head? Should I continue to give her space? If so what does that look like? What should I do? I want to be supportive, but damnit I feel like I deserve some support too and I'm not getting any. How do I stop thinking about this all the time?

[Ginger2013]

Your relationship is young, no matter how solid you think it is. You need time to get to know each other inside and out. You spent most of your time together for those 6 months of infatuation and lust, of course that happens, we never want to leave the other person's side because it's such a rush to feel that way. It sounds like she's realized she lost herself in the relationship and she's confused as to how to find herself again without having to break things off. It's okay to be distant if you have problems to figure out, but continually distant over months is unacceptable in my eyes. And sex once a month is unacceptable as well. Instead of being placid about it and giving her space (i.e. being a doormat over and over), take a stand and have a talk about your needs and see if she's willing to fulfill them too. I've learned that loving someone isn't enough to keep the relationship going. She can say she loves you, but still be thinking she needs time alone away from you, are you sure you're not smothering her? In any case, leaving you hanging by not responding to texts or I Love You's is pretty inconsiderate.

[Anonymous77]

I was thinking of going on a one month "me" fest and just trying to focus on bettering me and not worrying so much about the relationship. If at the end of the month she's still distant I'd break up with her. It think it could be a good and healthy alternative to ending things and/or being a doormat. But I literally can't stop thinking about it at this point. I'm sure no matter how "cool" I play it I can only imagine my neediness is coming through. It's like food, you only need some to get through the day, but when you're not fed you're hungry ALL the time. But just because you're hungry all the time doesn't mean you need to eat every minute of the day. How do I stop feeling hungry all the time and coming off needy and just start focusing on me instead? Like literally what should I do because I'm not sure where to start and how to deal with her.

[Ginger2013]

Hope this doesn't sound harsh, but playing the "me fest" game for a month won't solve anything. It's kind of like a manipulation to get her to pay attention to you, that's not the way to go at all. Have the talk and make some decisions. If you need a month of "me", then separate. You can only stop thinking of the situation when you've made a decision to make yourself better, then just time and distraction helps because you can't just shut of the thoughts and feelings.

[Anonymous77]

I understand where you're coming from, but honestly I'm not looking to manipulate the situation to get more attention. We've had the talk, we've made the decisions. She's not following through, but then I don't think I am entirely either. I'm sick of being the whiny bitch who keeps bringing it up. i KNOW she's overwhelmed with work and life. I feel like my life has become all about us and her life is right now about her. There is no balance. My thoughts are to try and restore balance within myself before giving up entirely.

[smackie9]

She's pulling away because she doesn't know how to end it. She is being a coward IMO. 2 months of BS and no improvement, and a bunch of excuses....I would call it quits.

[4 ratties]

I agree with smackie9...

Starting a new job really isn't an excuse to hang with your bf once a week unless she's working all day and evening everyday. And she doesn't have breaks at work or not go to the bathroom and be able to text u while she's just sitting there? Something's up with her. You've given her two months. Give it another week I guess and call it quits unless u wanna wait for her to break up with u or u like being ignored by ur gf

[namemyname]

I agree with Smackie. too.

She checked out of the relationship months ago, but doesn't have the balls to tell you. Some people suck like that, and want the other person to be the "bad guy".

End it.

[TablesandChairs]

Does she have valid reasons for feeling overwhelmed? What's going on in her life? Is she under debt-stress, family stress? Working is not a valid reason...we all work and manage to live lives.

Are you a particularly needy person? Sometimes people can be suffocating and not mean to be; this can repel others as they feel they have to be 'on duty' all the time.

Try to get to the root cause; if it turns out there isn't one or it can't be solved, then you have no choice.