I'm so confused, does my ex-boyfriend still love me & want to be with me? =/

[Lizz]

Hello,

I need some advice this evening as I sit in my room and ponder everything that has occurred to me this year. Okay, I'll make a long story short and get to the "good stuff" - I was with a man for four years from 2008-2012; We had lived together for three of those years and we were engaged for two of those years. Before the end of our relationship, he and I grew very distant from one another. Sadly, as much as I hate to admit this, while we were going through a rough patch I kissed another guy (someone I worked with), but guilt overwhelmed me and I confessed almost instantly. My ex was definitely upset with my actions, and that lead to the downward spiral that was our breakup. However, I found out after we had split that he had been cheating on me for the last 6 months of our relationship with a girl who used to be his "rebound" - He would tell me he was going to spend the night with his father, or his brother, and I was gullible enough to believe him... Little did I know he had actually been camping out at HER house and sleeping alongside her at night. He had been doing this before I kissed my coworker. Anyways, the day after we split, he moved out, made it "official" with her, moved in with her, and screwed me over on all of the mutual bills and whatnot. Messy breakup. We shared our exchange of foul words and insults, quit talking, and many months passed by before he and I had apologized for ending on such bad terms, and decided to remain at least "civil" with each other. SO it's been over a year now, we talk to each other every once in a while, usually short, pointless conversations... Nothing fancy. He is still with her, and I recently ended a relationship that I was in for almost a year with someone who was the very definition of a loser. Last month, I found out my exs' girlfriend had cheated on him while he was away for a month, so (because I do still care for him) I told him, and showed him the proof I had that she had done it. He seem jaded by it. Angry, even. So our conversations begin to pick up more. Details in said conversations went from casual, friendly talk to dark, intimate secrets. He then had said he would love to see me again sometime, and asked me what my work schedule was that next week. So that next week, he came over to visit. I hadn't seen him in a year, and he wanted to see me! I was ecstatic. To make things more complicated, he stayed the night. The first thing he did was kiss me when he saw me. We made love several times that night. I didn't know until the next morning that he had to lie to get away with spending the night at my house - that's right, he's still with the other girl. He then came over again (this time for a few hours) two days later, and we made love again. A week after that, he told me he couldn't keep being physical with me because he felt wrong about his actions. It broke my heart. He knows I am insane about him, that I would do literally everything and anything for him... He was my first love. I told him that he had mislead me, because he knows how I feel for him. He called me crazy and told me to get over myself. He said we could remain friends, but nothing more. Well this week, he has been over twice, and we have made love several more times (he initiated it). Is he just messing with me? He's told me that he is still in love with he, but he doesn't know what he wants, and that he regrets us breaking up with me. I guess I don't get it. I've been waiting in purgatory for him, and I am wondering at this point if it is even worth it. Sorry to drone on, but, he really has a grasp on me. He has gotten me so depressed with his actions that once (last year), I attempted to end my life. Stupid, I know. I am just so confused. Any input would be great.
Thanks.

[Ginger2013]

Well, this is not nice to say, but you are an "easy lay"....he's a cheater and always will be. He cheated on you, now he's cheating on her. He knows you have feelings for him and you're not exactly making him work by having sex with him every time he comes over. Keep your dignity and move on to find a man who knows how to treat a woman, one who wants to be in a committed relationship with you. You're not stupid, just ruled by memories and "what could have been"...we all go through that after a breakup. I believe in second chances, but he's cheating on his current gf with you...can you open your eyes? He's NOT going to change! You're "new" again...once he tires of you, he'll find someone else to hurt along the way.

[Lizz]

All I'm looking for is some advice, whether it be blunt or sugar-coated... I've gotten lost in "memories", like you said, and I get wrapped up thinking about what I want in terms of him and a relationship. I know my recent actions have been less than admirable. It's just... Ugh... Sucks being so hung up on someone.

[namemyname]

You need to figure out why you're allowing a guy who cheated on you back in your life at all.

Second, sure, you told him his GF was cheating because you're his bud. Riigghhttt. You did it as a bitch move, hoping it would break them up. Didn't work, though, and instead, you have him treating you like a cum dump and disrespecting you all over again.

Get some self-esteem, because this is tragic.

[Lizz]

Good to know you're capable of judging the motives of my actions. Pretty sure if I had done it as a "bitch move" I would've said so in the original post. Sure, I don't like who he is with, but if I had wanted to try to break them up, I would've done it a long time ago.

[Ginger2013]

All I'm looking for is some advice, whether it be blunt or sugar-coated... I've gotten lost in "memories", like you said, and I get wrapped up thinking about what I want in terms of him and a relationship. I know my recent actions have been less than admirable. It's just... Ugh... Sucks being so hung up on someone.

Don't beat yourself up, we're blinded by emotion, it's always good to hear an outsider's opinion. But in the end, you're the only one who can find that confidence and realize you deserve better. I wouldn't contact him again, keep busy and try to go on a few dates, have some fun. A good man isn't hard to find if we remember our standards. Don't be a doormat, been there done that...never makes things better. Tell him to take a hike. I know, easier said than done, but we always have more strength than we think we do. I got over someone like that once by going on a dating site, and just chatting with any guy who contacted me...it was a lovely distraction, I even went on some dates. Time to get over the cheater!

[4 ratties]

ew why would u want to be this huge cheater? He's so disrespectful and was such an asshole during the break up. Why would u want to go through that again? Is this who u want to be the father of your kids? He sounds gross and u sound so easy and desperate sleeping with him the first time u reconnect.

[namemyname]

Good to know you're capable of judging the motives of my actions. Pretty sure if I had done it as a "bitch move" I would've said so in the original post. Sure, I don't like who he is with, but if I had wanted to try to break them up, I would've done it a long time ago.

No, you wouldn't have admitted it, but it clearly was your intention.

And you just told him she's been cheating on him, they're still together, and you're his side dish cum dump. Hon, don't kid yourself for a second that you could ever break them up, because you can't. He's solid with her, and you keep devaluing yourself.

Yes, he's a total scumbag, but you let him crap all over you a second time. Think he respects you when you can't respect yourself?

[Ginger2013]

Well, I wouldn't have called it a bitch move, but OP you have to see that your intention was to get him back right? It's quite obvious, even if you don't see it. You wanted something to hold on to, to get him back into your life, to get him talking to you again and share some kind of intimacy. Think about it. Best to move on and keep your dignity. Cheaters aren't worth the time of day, he has nothing to offer you but lies. You can get attention from other guys that is genuine.

[TablesandChairs]

You asked if he still loved you but I think you need to be clear about what 'love' entails in relationships.

You kissed another guy while you were having a rough patch. You told him because, like a normal person, you felt guilty. He was screwing another woman for 6 months and he didn't feel guilty enough to tell you. That takes a fair amount of heartlessness.

Now, he's toying with you. He's using you for sex because he can and he knows you're feelings towards him enable this. Again, heartless.

If he 'loved' you; he would dump the girlfriend and try to make it work with you; he'd take you out on dates, he'd try to talk to you to resolve issues.

You're in the love fog, you're not seeing how you're being degraded but once that lifts, you'll see him for the dog he is. That should be your aim. Even if you got back together, this guy can't really be trusted and while you may not think you deserve better, you do.

[searock]

He doesn't care for you at all, he is a liar and a cheat, a scumbag... stop sleeping with him, stop talking to him, erase him from your life. Regain your own dignity and don't date anyone until you have, or you'll end up with another loser.

[Lizz]

I had a conversation with him via text about a week ago in regards to where he and I now stand since we've kind of crossed the "just friends" line. His response was that he didn't know what was going to change in his life, so that meant he didn't know where I played a role, and he was sorry that I had to get the "raw end" of the deal. This, coming from the same guy who about two weeks prior asked me if he were to go active duty in the military, if I'd go with him... He also had made a remark the other day that I was way too emotional and I cared too much, and he wishes I could be has numb as he is towards the world... So I've wondered if he's just been messing with me to make me inoculated to his "heartless" choices. I don't know anymore.
I can own up to my actions and I am fully capable of understanding what I've done is wrong. But everyone is human, and everyone makes mistakes. So now I'll just take what I have learned and move forward... Which inevitably means blocking his number and all that jazz.

[TablesandChairs]

Your soft spot for this trash bag will fade when you meet someone who isn't so 'numb' to other peoples' feelings. There are better people in the world, you just need to get out of the cycle. Pity the girl who ends up with him and be thankful it's not you.

[pcmaster]

He still loves you.

[HeartIsAching]

^^^Horseshit^^^

He doesn't know what love is, and I'll go further and posit that neither do you.

He's a shitbag cheater - that's from a reformed shitbag cheater. Here's something you can plug into your consciousness and digest as it becomes relevant: Cheaters cheat.

Yeah, that's right. Cheaters cheat. He cheated on you for HALF A YEAR without feeling the need to tell you about it. You kissed another guy and felt so guilty that you confessed. So who's invested in this relationship? It sure as shit ain't him.

Second point... he's WITH the girl he cheated on you with, and then had sex with you (I reject the term "made love" in this instance) several times? He's cheating on the woman he cheated on YOU WITH, to cheat on HER. Are you getting it yet? He's a cheater.

Run the **** away. Even if you "got him back", he'd cheat on you again. Do you really want to deal with that heartache and pain again? Because you will.