Depressed and alone

[Zwicka]

I need a lot of advice and hopefully this will be somewhat coherent to anyone that will end up reading my post.
WARNING THIS IS SUPER LONG LIKE 15 MIN OF READING, READ AT RISK
To begin with, a description of my life. I'm 15 and a freshman in high school now (started August 12th for those wondering) I'm 5'8 and 140 lbs (mostly muscle if any fat) generally, I play video games with the friends I have and I am socially awkward from Asperger's syndrome, it isn't disabling as in not being able to articulate anything but more along the lines of not wanting to walk up to someone and say something (it's as if I traded social skills for intelligence ideally). But anyway, here's my depressing story.

It started in middle school, seeing the face for the first time in seventh grade and wondering how I will ever get the courage to walk up and say something. That year I was more oriented on school work and getting through the year smoothly (which I ended up doing). So summer of that year moves along and then eighth grade starts, I knew about her and planned to try eventually (I didn't know when at the time) to talk to her which ended up happening April this year. Now, you must be wondering, why didn't I talk to her sooner? Wouldn't it have possibly been better? While waiting those 8-9 months I thought to myself, she is so beautiful, calm, and shy. I wouldn't ever want to see her date someone else to feel terrible when breaking up. So I thought that why not try, I seem to love her somewhat and it's the perfect time since the eighth grade dinner dance (go there around dinner time to eat hence the name and dance until what I think was 10 pm) was later in April. I asked her in the hallway if she would like to go to the dinner dance with me (I was nervous, never talked to her before and I was apprehensive) but she replied saying that she is going with her friends and sorry. A bit disappointed, I went home and thought "Don't ask her for her number, she might not have one and it would be weird to try and memorize or write." So I instead wrote my number on a piece of paper and gave it to her asking to text me later. Now, here's where it spiraled downwards. She first said hello, this is _____ , and I of course replied hi. The next thing she said was that she doesn't like me anymore than a friend. I was sad to say the least, I asked for advice and the conversation went awkward with 4 replies back and forth only about the dinner dance and my text was the last (by last I mean she didn't reply and I didn't say anything to close the conversation nor did she). The dinner dance came, I went with my friends and during the dance normally theres pods or clusters of people, one person from her group knew I liked her and told me to go and ask her to dance. I literally went up and pretty much pried open a way through the eight people around in a circle and in front of her friends asked her to dance she said no so I went and said okay and left nonchalantly and just chilled with friends for the rest of the time (It was at that point where I realized I'm not fearful of social interaction with someone else, I just dont know how to start a conversation).

Keep in mind that I ended up talking to her several times and they might get mixed in my mind I don't recall specifically what she said. Since it was nearly the end of the year, it was around April 20 and we would finish May 22. I worried and didn't want to end up losing her and the possibility of her moving or not going to the same high school ect. So I started to talk to her (not really talk more like ask her a question within the span of 10 seconds at the end of the day since our lockers were somewhat near) and now I know the mistakes I made. Multiple times I went up to her and asked, once was if I was annoying her via text ( I texted her like an extra 4-5 times) and she said no one time and I said okay I was just wondering. Another time I asked her if she would be going to the high school we both are in now since I didn't know, she said yes. Oh yes and a little bit scatterbrained right here, I asked her about high school after I texted her the mistakes somewhere along the lines of "Hi _____ it's ______ and I was just wondering about your weekend." Even though I should have realized it wasn't dating nor did she want to. And finally one memory I recall is that I asked something, I don't know exactly what but it might have been if I've bothered her again or maybe it was the time before, but anyway, she said sometime at one point "It's *falters saying just* just that I feel uncomfortable and I'm sorry. I felt really bad that day and felt like I lost her. However, that wasn't the last encounter.

May 21st, a picnic for eighth grade only. I felt like what I had done was bad and just stayed by my friends, I did not want to at all go and mess anything more up by talking to her and making her uncomfortable again like she had said, strangely enough, she and her group came over and my friends talked to them and again the same person that told me to ask her to dance on the spot told me to ask her to sign my yearbook. Of course, messing it up more she felt pressured but nonetheless signed it as did I. Then eventually they most of them left except the one who told me to ask her the two things. I said something like "She doesnt really like talking to me and its awkward, oh well, I tried, hopefully in high school I could (implying to date her) and then she left to meet up with them on other side of the massive field we were in. Scatterbrained a bit here again, I know, you probably don't like reading this, a few times I would see her walking with a friend and then the friend blocks my point of view. Now, just making me feel worse she walked away with a different friend and she blocked her face with a yearbook, that's just like alienating me pretty much away from her group of friends. So feeling terrible I went to graduation, saw her walk the stage and so did she (especially since my last name starts with a Zw) and I tried to find her in the massive crowd but didn't so I went home crying about how I somehow made it through middle school and got these amazing awards (presidents award that's actually signed by President Obama) and about her and how I'm going to end up losing contact with her.

So this summer a few things happened near the end of July and start of August before I started high school. I don't want to lie in the post for legitimacy of my problem so ill tell it right now. I was playing with people on Xbox who had start to boot people offline occasionally, they became obbssed with it however and started to excessively hit people's routers. I did not know anything of what or how exactly they do it but I knew from the Skype chat we had that they were doing it a lot. Now, they aren't my age, a bit older but funny to play with and I only knew them online. They are good people actually, they know a few things. But yea, they were talking about girls and asked about me, reluctantly I told them about her since I needed help, I was so worried about what would happen. And then they asked me what happened so I in shorter paragraphs ( I know I'm so sorry for having you read this much but I truly need someone to understand my situation) told them what happened and they knew I had her number. They started to joke around and said hey you should give me her number so I can help you and then started to threaten to boot me offline constantly ( they booted me off around 7-8 times before so I knew they wouldn't hesitate) I told only one person and he said he wouldn't tell it to the sociopath basically unless he paid Microsoft points for it, eventually he did like 3 days after I gave it to him. But yea here's where my life is ruined pretty much, they both texted her funnily enough while I didn't have Internet since I was at the airport for 5 hours to get my brother home with my parents. When I came home they told me what destruction they did.


Sociopath's conversation

Him: Hi, Im one of ____'s friends and I just wanted to let you know ____ is pretty crazy over you, I know ____ can be kinda random and awkward, so I can only imagine some things he's said to you. Listen I just wanted to let you know you should really give ____ a chance just one night is that so much to ask for? I think you would be surprised. Thanks for even reading this from a random number and a reply back would be great thank you.

Her: Sorry but I'm really, really, really not interested. I've tried to be nice because I dont't want to hurt his feelings but enough is enough. If I say stop I seriously mean it. This has been going on long enough, I've told him many times. Just stop. This whole thing is making me extremely uncomfortable.

Him: Yeah I can imagine, okay I'll try and talk to him, ____'s a little crazy saying "you're the only girl he'd be willing to live with." I'll try really hard to tell him to stop a lot of us have tried if he ever tries again, I hate to say it but you will probably have to be mean/stern in order for him to get the message, unfortunately.

Her: ....that is really creepy.....who is this

Him: Yea we all reacted the same way you did. I am one of his friends he met through vacation one year, now I just talk to him through Xbox and Skype.

Her: well idk who you are so please erase my number

Him: Keep in mind though ______ is not very bright when it comes to talking to people, and I will, thanks for responding.

Her: One last question, should i be worried for my life?

Him: Haha no, ___ wouldn't hurt a fly.

Her: and one more, did he put you up to this?

Him: he asked to try and help him get you so yea.

Her: Ok. Please erase me. Bye bye. And please tell him to leave me the F alone.

Him: already erased, and I will, bye.



And then the person I trusted with her number to help me.

Him: hey yo, wats up

Her:Who are you?

Him: You should be worried about ____. He's an unstable child, and has ominous connections. It is best that you watch your footing when dealing with him.

Her(dad): Hi this is ___'s dad. She is not going to associate with him at all. This ends here.

In the first conversation I posted some things are true and some aren't, It's true, I'm very obsessed with trying to be with her, however the part about how me and the sociopath met through vacation is false, only Xbox and Skype. Also in the first conversation I'm assuming near the end her dad came in when "she was asking if I did this." since both conversations were close to each other and in the second one he said. About two days later, a friend of my mother came over to tell what transpired and told the news she got from her parents which was forwarded to us by the friend of my mother, it wasn't until 3-4 days later where my mother actually got in contact with the girls mother and listened to what she had said. Now here is where its nearing the end and I need help, I was told, after the phone call, what they said, basically to sum it up her tone was very strict like and she clearly doesn't want me to associate with her daughter and also how she isn't interested to date now.

Now here is my problem, I'm madly in love with her, she looks so amazing and perfect. I don't know what to do. I truly think that we would be a happy couple if she decided to date me somehow, I would dedicate all my time just to make her happy. I would do anything honestly just to live a meaningful life with her; I would be the happiest man on earth. And here I am planning to do a party for homecoming ( it's on the 28th of September) and I asked if I could invite her but I was told that I cannot talk to her anymore. I don't want to wait 2 years and talk to her after the 2 years of depression I would have. She's constantly in my mind and I'm reminded eve day of her. I could never say I love you to anyone else in the world. Don't even suggest I try to find someone else to date because that relationship would end so fast because I'd be preoccupied thinking of her and being depressed. I'm so sad now and I feel as though I'm living a dead useless life since I'm ignored everyday by some of her friends that I have classes with and I maybe see her twice a day if lucky. I would hate to live without her.

[j-white]

Stopped reading at 'I'm 15'.

You're too young to be feeling depressed and alone. Come back when you're 30 and alone

[4 ratties]

That girl and the Xbox guy are little brats. Don't let them get you down. I honestly wouldn't want a relationship while in high school. It distracts you too much from school for some people. I'm glad I didn't date anyone seriously in high school. Go to dances and such with girls, but I wouldn't be too depressed if I didn't find a serious relationship. Just enjoy being young. You'll only be 15 once, you have so much time to date.

[Zwicka]

Could anyone actually help me and tell me what I should do now?

[Aquafresh]

Zwicka...

My recommendation is.. If you have a good relationship with your parents (both or at least one of them) if you can talk to them not only as parent-son relationship but as friends as well, tell them that you need help, maybe talk to a therapist or someone. Don't take this on the wrong way. This doesn't mean AT ALL that you're sick, or you're a freak or (I don't know what could be going through your mind) but please don't think anything negative. Professional help sometimes is a good thing. I wish I could see someone professional to talk to and have advices (professional ones).

You're still young (I know a lot of people are going to tell you this) but is true. You will have to accept some challenges that life brings us. You might think, and believe 1000% that she is the love of your life. But would you like to be with someone who doesn't appreciate you? who doesn't care about you? NO! love is a mutual thing, something that two people share, not just one. Of course, since you have deep feelings for her, they're not going to go away tomorrow. With time (hopefully not too long, maybe by the end of the year, I will say) you should be better.

My second advice is, try to keep your mind occupy. Do as many activities as you can. Get involve in clubs from your school, or better yet, outside the school, so you change the environment and meet new people.

Just listen what her family has told you. They don't want you to relate to her. If you care about her, respect her decision, and maybe (mayybe, nothing is guarantee) with time she will look you differently ( in a more positive way) Just stay out of trouble.

When you feel depress, its hard to stay away from sad things, like sad music, movies, etc (I talk from personal experiences) But try your hardest and listen to music that makes you feel better, try to see things in a more positive and colorful way.

That's all I can say to you. I hope I helped somehow. Good Luck!