Do I have a distorted definition of "love"?

[lalalita]

I've been involved with a man for over a year. On paper, he is everything I could ever want from a partner. He is a perfect gentleman, has wonderful family values, great work ethic, keeps in constant communication, is very attractive, etc. He makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world and I trust him, something I have never felt with any other partner. We want the same things for our future. All I have to do "is say the word" and he would love to be married and start a family.

This sounds perfect...but I'm realizing more and more that I am not in love with him. At least not in love with him in any way that I have ever felt before.

All of my past relationships have been toxic or abusive. I have been in two previous long term relationships where I have been "in love". I was completely head over heels for these men. Even through all of the bad times, the strong feeling of love never died and kept me putting up with things that I shouldn't have. I was horrified of these men leaving me because how strongly I loved them. It felt like my world had ended and that my heart had been ripped out every time we would be off and on. I felt totally dependent on them. The good times were wonderful, the bad times were awful. It was like an addiction.

I don't know if I really don't have romantic feelings for this new man, or if I don't know what it's like to not be addicted to someone. I love spending time with him, we have a great time together. But I feel more and more like I'm spending time with a great friend. I'm not very affectionate with him. He's started making joking comments that "You didn't kiss me today!". I don't feel the need to constantly seek attention from him like I did with my exes.

*sigh* I just don't know. I don't want to throw away my chance at having a stable relationship if it's just because I have no idea how to love someone in a healthy way. What do you guys think?

[4 ratties]

Sounds like your finally in a healthy relationship. Yes love is a strong emotion. But it's not normal to need their constant attention, want to make out all the time, or be petrified if they wanted to leave you. Sounds like u are experiencing a more "calm" love. Only you can tell us if you a truly in love with him. I don't know if you are. I would hate to see you throw away something good but if you truly feel this is not the man for you,.. Then no point wasting anymore time being with eachother. Maybe counseling would help you. Have u had counseling for the abusive relationships? You also may be in just a normal rut of a relationship. Why don't u want to be affectionate with him? What feeling are you feeling? Disinterest? Sadness? Confusion?

[Coddy555]

Sounds to me like you're not a good match.

He's too boring for you and it seems he doesn't know how to express negativity. That's why he doesn't stimulate you enough.

My advice: Dump him and find a new WRECK like your past bfs, who will make you feel in love (although in my opinion that's not love at all).
OR marry him and find yourself a WRECK like your past bfs for lover.
Seriously.

[LifeInflux]

Having a "perfect" guy doesn't mean he's the "perfect" guy for you. Abusive relationships are never a good thing.. but there is something to be said for being with a guy that is human and makes mistakes. Theres also a feeling, when you date people who are exceptionally "nice" where you feel there is no reason for trying, no reason for risk, no reason for earning or moving forward with your feelings, because its all so easily and freely given. Like the sun its just there every morning without you having to be affectionate, or show you want him around.


It might mean that you just aren't used to this kind of guy... but in truth, it might just mean that you aren't attracted to him in a long term, love kind of way, even though he's good to you. Chances that you'll learn to love him in his current state are probably pretty slim, but it might not hurt to try and spice things up a little bit and see if he bites. Theres nothing wrong with living a happy, simple life with a guy that does everything for you and makes you feel wonderful, but you don't want to be in a toast relationship where everything is kind of boring and you don't have any passion.

[IslandScorp]

I think that you've answered your own question. Yes, you are addicted - to the drama (and adrenalin) that was present in your past relationships, to the feeling of trying to hang on to a person who was emotionally elusive, even to the arguments (the emotional highs and lows). Now you've met a man who is stable and who loves you and treats you well. But because he is stable and not one of the "bad boys", because you know that he loves you and are no longer wondering about does he or doesn't he, am I going to lose him, etc., he doesn't give you that emotional adrenalin that you've become accustomed to and that you equate with love. This is something about yourself that you need to resolve because if you don't, you will always have tumultuous relationships. Chemistry is needed in relationships but don't confuse lack of drama with lack of chemistry. If you truly don't feel deeply about this person and you don't think that a relationship with this nice guy can work out, then let him go because it's not fair to him and I'm pretty sure that there are a lot of women out there who'd appreciate a man like that.