I don't say ''I love you'' before the man says it

[BlueMoonSal]

Is this good? I've always had this rule that if the man doesn't say ''I love you'' first, I won't say it even if I were to feel it earlier than him.

I wouldn't like the idea of opening myself to a man like that and him not feeling the same. I was in a relationship and yes, he did told me ''I love you'' on the 2nd month. I didn't feel the same by then and replied ''Thanks, I like you'' and let him know I wasn't yet feeling the same. I think it did hurt him a bit but he didn't say anything. I then said ''I love you'' back on the 4th month and then we both would said it to each other.

But no, I wouldn't take the risk of saying that first. I'd rather have the guy go for it. I believe men can handle not getting feelings returned and rejection better than us.

[pcmaster]

I kinda dont like where this is going. So you dont put yourself in vulnerable position but want man to do the risky work. Yet when its done you both would enjoy the fruits. Its like - "put you heart on table first and then if I feel like it I will too."

I realy dont think man are stronger in handling the rejection and cold. We all have pride and feelings, we are equal to women.

[Wakeup]

I believe men can handle not getting feelings returned and rejection better than us.

Well, better than YOU, anyway. Pfffft. Don't lump us all in with you. Waiting is your perogative. Why you wait is just your own insecurity and lack of confidence.

[Boisdevie]

I believe men can handle not getting feelings returned and rejection better than us.

Of course we can. And you want to know why? Because we are unfeeling brutes.
But back here on planet reality I find your comments sexist and stupid. And I hope your boyfriend (poor sod) is one of those men who believes it's a womans' job to say 'I love you' first. Then you'll both wait until eternity.

[BlueMoonSal]

Boisdevie for your information I had that rule made since I was a kid. I refuse to become my mother, who said it first and open herself so easily while my father rubs that in her face whenever they argue.

Yes, I'm going to admit. I refuse to put myself in a vulnerable position first than the guy. I won't want to end up my mother and be made fun on. She used to tell my father a lot in her younger years and he keeps on bringing it up saying ''Come on, you were crazy about me, etc''... No way I'm going to become her.

[BlueMoonSal]

I would like to add too that I'm not those women that brings the future topic first either. Yes, he brought that up too first long ago and I just felt the same.

Overall, when it comes to feelings and commitment; yes I admit being afraid to be the first one to open up to it and will wait for the man to do it. But more than likely, I'll feel the same by then so it'll be returned.

[Boisdevie]

Boisdevie for your information I had that rule made since I was a kid. I refuse to become my mother, who said it first and open herself so easily while my father rubs that in her face whenever they argue.

Good luck with that then.

[pcmaster]

Its not your mothers fault. Its your father who is loser. You can tell how miserable people are by how far back they have to reach for glory. "I remeber when I was a sperm..."

My old man second wife was in awe about him. really forgave him everything. But after ten years she said" You never been anything to me !" Maybe she could say it because she never said these love words when they were true.

Do you want to reject that you had feelings if things dont go so well? Are you afraid to end up with a guy who dont love you as much as you do? Would you mums life would turn out diferently if she wouldnt said that she loves him?

[BlueMoonSal]

Yes, her life would have been different if she didn't say it first because she would have at least defended herself, call him a liar and that she didn't say those things.

She would have had more self-esteem years ago than realizing it later on.

[pcmaster]

So as I understand it - You want to be careful who you love to keep yourself safe from co-dependacy which leads to low confidence.

[BlueMoonSal]

Actually I have way more self-esteem than what she had at my age. By not opening up first, if an argument happens and the man tries to rub things in my face, I'll have a better comeback.

To be honest, if it had been me instead of my mother he was dealing with I'm willing to bet it would have ended in divorce quickly as both of us would be sending each other to hell. In a way, my father was lucky he didn't meet an older woman his age (he was in his late 20's when he met my then 17/18 year-old mother who was a HS graduate) or one who is a college student. I think it would be similar to a Mr and Mrs Smith where no one wins.

[smackie9]

Not all men are going to react like your father. You have a misconception about relationships and their dynamics. Your mother had a submissive personality, your father was an a-hole. Your father wouldn't have treated her any different if she changed a few things. Your mother's mistake was marrying an overbearing brute, and not because she said "I love you first".

Sadly you are living your life by a poor example.

[BlueMoonSal]

Yes she let him get away with many things in the beginning. Ironically, similar things are have been happening in my relationship and when I broke things off but I was acting a bit like my father (even called him stupid when breaking up; well he had his flaws but I just blew things out of proportion) and months later he starts contacting me again, then our friendship is resumed but he does still loves me. I still feel the same way too. We have talked about getting back together. He doesn't blame me for saying those things to him and said I was in my rights to get upset.

It's interesting how a child can mirror one of his/her parent's personality and behavior. Usually if the mother was submissive and let herself get treated poorly, the girl will go that same pattern. The opposite thing happened with me. I didn't become my mother but got a bit on my father's side; the stronger and rebellious one.

[VincenzoG91]

You seem to have already made up your mind, and only asked your question because you want validation of your viewpoint. It might be worth having a conversation with your dad at some point about how his hurtful statements towards your mother have affected your own outlook on relationships. Maybe then you can allow yourself to make decisions for your own life that aren't scripted by the behavior of your parents.

[pcmaster]

Its actually good idea to talk to your father. Maybe he never wanted you to see what you did. Perhaps he wanted to teach you something much better just never had chance but now that he thinks you grown up when in fact you are still growing.