Problem keeping the past buried

[Rustyram]

*** This ended up being REALLY long, so anyone who makes it to the end, Thank You!!**

I'm 35 and my wife is 36, been together for 13 years and married for 7. We currently have a house, 2 girls ages 5 & 6 and are the envy of all our friends, divorced or still married. We have always had an intense sexual compatibility and on average have sex or are sexual 3 times a week all the way up to 7 or 8.

We had a problem when we first started dating......

We met in late November 2000 at a nightclub here in Chicago when I was 22 and she was 23 and went on a date the very next day and hit it off great. We quickly formed a VERY strong emotional, psychological, intellectual and very, very strong sexual bond. She was living with her parents and I was in an apartment with a friend since I got back from the Navy 14 months earlier when we decided to get an apartment together in July of 2001. She lost her job a few days before 9/11 and had one female friend who was her clubbing partner the last 3 or 4 years who wasn't working either. She also had a male friend from HS that really was and still is her BFF who worked in the middle of the day and the three of them started going out during the week. I could not as I had to be up for work at 5:30 am and I quickly became VERY jealous as I loved to go out clubbing/partying/drinking as well. So knowing that she was doing that with her friends when I was at home in bed REALLY sucked!

After the 3rd time of her getting home anywhere from 3am to 5am when I was getting up I said some nasty things. I told her she shouldn't be in the clubs/bars because she was a hot redhead who was going to get picked up. She would tell me did I forget that these are the SAME two people that she was with the night I met her at 1am? She had a point, but like I said, I was jealous. So I accused her of going out to look for guys to hook up with and she told me I didn't trust her. I of course called her crazy and told her things like "try not to fall on any dicks while I'm here in bed sleeping"...... And when she tried to talk to me, I called her crazy, said she was the problem and even made her cry a few times out of my jealousy, even though she would call me thoughout the night to let me know where she was and who she was with.

It turns out that her female friends cousin just had moved back to the city and he was in-between jobs, therefore not working as well. So he met up with them one of the nights I had made her cry and she told him some of her problems because she didn't want to talk to her friends who all loved me in case this blew over. So they exchanged numbers and she swears it was platonic because all she did was talk to him about us and how she loved me and I called her names and made her feel unwanted and crazy. They met up at the mall one afternoon and then went out for lunch another all while I was at work. Again, she swears nothing happened and all they did was talk about her and I.

Then a few nights later when they all went out, he asked her for a ride back to his apartment. He asked her to come up because he wanted to show her something on his computer. Of course the computer was right next to his bed where she was sitting when he turned it on and kissed her. As she explains it he aggressively leaned in and kissed her while pushing her back. She said she was confused and kissed him back and as she did so she didn't feel anything and felt wrong. I guess while this was going on, she had a miniskirt on and with her hands on his chest he pushed her panties aside and tired to penetrate her. She has always sworn that as the tip of his penis was going in she pushed him away and told him to stop and that this was wrong and she needed to leave.

I guess he called her the next day and she told him to not call her anymore and he was no longer welcome in her life as she thought he was being friendly but was trying to take advantage of her hurt and confusion. But she does admit to kissing him back and stupidly going into his bedroom, but swears that she did not do so with the intention of anything sexual, but probably led him on by just being there.

She stopped going out and didn't tell me anything other than she had spent time with her friends and her friends cousin and was over it..... 4-5 weeks went by and in that time our relationship turned awesome. She started looking for work and we took a road trip and it was the epitome of a great and fun relationship. And the sex was out of this world as well! And of course we would go to the clubs on the weekend!

After that 4-5 weeks one night she told me what happened and I was crushed. It was the WORST feeling and pain I had ever felt. I told her we were done and I could never be with a cheater and a liar. She asked if I would consider starting over and that we had both had problems and that she didn't go out looking for sex or another guy. When I told her NO, we are through, in the 13 years I have known her, I have NEVER seen her that upset. I told her to get out and she went to her parents house. I called my oldest friend and went to my grandparents, who raised me and my grandpa was basically my father.

I explained EVERYTHING to them both and my grandpa was the one who asked if I loved her. He asked if before this news could I see myself possibly marrying her and of course I could. As he explained it, she had tried to talk to me before things got out of hand and in my jealousy, I pushed her further away, into the arms of another man. But if what she said was true, she realized her mistake and eventually came clean to make sure there were no secrets.

We talked over the next few days, and I asked her for all the details. If she had had full blown sex and touched his penis I wouldn't have taken her back. But she swears that it happened in a matter of a few minutes that they kissed and he tried to have sex with her when she ended it. And after all these years and how I know her, I believe her.

She slept on the couch for several days and I told her I would take her back on a trial period to see if I could get over this. I don't know if it's because I was young, but I kind of did. We had lots of sex and lots of fun going out and being with each other.

A year after it happened I was in a club and met a girl in town with her sister and she had a fiancée. We kissed, danced and I even put my hand up her miniskirt and her hand down my pants in the club. She wanted to have sex with me and we tried to leave when her sister stopped me and threatened to kick me in the nuts. I told her that she was a big girl and I had a girlfriend. I was trying to get revenge but never got to have sex.

We got a condo after the year lease was up and got married a few years later. We bought a house and had 2 kids, who are 15 months apart, which shows how much sex we have and what happens WITHOUT protection! And as I said we are the epitome of all our friends because we are always so happy and have 10x as much sex as everyone else. I really do love her and after 13 years, I still have not met a girl like her.

After we got married I told her about the girl in the club and she was upset. She cried and I felt better seeing the pain on her face, that maybe she felt what she did to me, even though she did it first...... yet she said she still loved me and it didn't change anything.

But every September I revert back. Some years are not as bad, but this year was. We were cleaning and came across our old picture box and when I saw pictures from September/October 2001 it flipped a switch. I started asking her questions again about what happened, accused her of not telling me everything and even that she must have loved him and KNEW what she went into his apartment for.

Perhaps I never fully healed and there has always been some level of distrust. Ever since then, whenever she is out with friends, I get that sickening feeling that she is going to cheat on me. Even though she has done NOTHING, I still get that feeling.

This has been going on for a week now. I feel like I did that night in 2001 and have even made her cry a few times by calling her a cheater and a liar. Even telling her that it was kind of slutty that I was her 12th guy and she is my 7th girl.

Friday night I told her maybe I made a mistake taking her back in 2001 and we should have split up and that maybe we should separate for a while now so I can finally get over this.

She thinks I need to talk to someone because I keep bringing up the painful past that we moved on from and started a family and why do I want to tear apart this family and happy home for a bad situation when we were 23/24 and not even been dating 9 months.

I don't know what to do. This past week I have been really, really hard on her, but somehow we still have managed to have sex 3 times (see what I mean about the sexual connection?!?!?!?!) We talk about that 2-3 week period in 2001 exhaustively and when we do I feel better. She reminds me how I put her through the wringer for the first several weeks after and it was hard on her, but she loved me and wanted to work through it to be with me.

We joke that we have the looks as we both look 10 years younger than we are and not the money that other couples do, so I really don't want to pay money to see someone.

Does anyone have any advice or books or anything?

I have such a love and lust for my wife it's painful. I wish to God I could go back in time and listen to her and not make her cry. Maybe if I explained to her how it was hurting me and making me jealous she would have stopped.

She keeps saying that I was right and she made a mistake, but we have moved on from that. That I wanted to move on from that when I took her back and forgave her.

So have I not fully recovered? Why do I still feel the pain from then so intensely? Should we have separated? My deceased grandpa had told me then that he could see us together for many, many years and was I willing to throw a potential lifetime of happiness away for a stupid mistake?

This went REALLY long, but other than my wife, I've never spoken about this to anyone since it happened. I guess once you open up the words start pouring out. When we/she were club kids she kissed a few girls because it riled the guys up. I've even told her that I want to see her do that again the next time we go out, and while she thinks it's silly, she agreed to do it for me. That's how she is. She is and always has been willing to do anything for me.

But I REALLY want this to be done for good. I love my wife, kids and life, except for that 2-3 week period that I wish could be erased from my mind.

I appreciate if anyone has made it this far and will be checking back often to engage in conversation.

[IndiReloaded]

So you both nearly cheated. Tit for tat, yes?

Now forgive and move on together or just move on alone. Pretty simple, really.

[Rustyram]

So you both nearly cheated. Tit for tat, yes?

Now forgive and move on together or just move on alone. Pretty simple, really.

Wouldn't it still be cheating what she did? She considers it sex just because his penis was right there trying to go in.....

I just need to hear some other opinions..... but it still bugs me that she did it first and I thought she was special..... perhaps I was young and just need to let it go and not hold onto the painful past anymore......I think that every year it feels worse because I take everything we have now and done and attach it to that time 12 years ago. Does that make sense??

[Wiggin]

Have you guys sat down and had a heart-to-heart about this? I would suggest sitting down with her and getting everything out, and then putting it behind you. It isn't fair to hold on to something that happened 12 years ago - you were both immature, irresponsible adults. Honestly, you were no better for waiting a year to go out and attempt to get your revenge by looking for someone else to sleep with. You have both [hopefully] matured into adults since then. You need to start focusing on what you have now rather than dwelling on the past actions - I can promise you that if you don't drop this, it will eventually drive her away. Does she berate you and make you feel guilty for chasing skirts to get back at her?

Also, given the fact that you can't get over her kissing another guy, I really don't believe it's wise to suggest her kissing other women at present.

[Valixy]

How long are you going to allow your mind to play tricks on you and screw your happy family life because of something that happened 12 years ago? You need to address this personal problem you have and fight it back by training your willpower. If you aren't stronger than your mind fooling you and bringing back a stupid sad memory, you need to learn to become stronger and do whatever it takes to succeed.

It would be nice if life was perfect and the people we love would never hurt us and we would never hurt them but it's not like that. Even the most loving parents hurt their children sometimes. Love is just like anything else in life, it is a process of learning and perfecting, which means that we are meant to make mistakes sometimes, but as long as we learn from them and our capacity of love and love relationships become stronger it means that we are on the right way. Forgive what happened, it really meant nothing to her and she didn't enjoy it, felt uncomfortable, left immediately, erased the guy from her life, became a wonderful partner for you and has been paying for this mistake ever since. Detach of the past, appreciate the love and happiness you have in your life every day that many wish they had and learn to recognise what triggers the conflictive moments. Treat this emotional problem you have like a weakness or addiction and create a mental strategy to overcome it. Realise that you can't trust every signal your mind or body send you (even if we are programmed to) and be smarter than that. Just because your mind would tell you to smoke when you wanted to quit it doesn't mean that you should listen to it, or just because it brings back a sad memory from 12 years ago, it doesn't mean that you should pay attention to it or that it reflects the way your relationship with your wife has been since then. Sometimes little things can help a lot in overcoming something like that. Identify the situations when you are prone to go through a crises and whenever it happens be determined to take control. Don't let your mind wander too much and poison your life. Intervene, get busy with something that you like and enjoy, or empty your mind of any thoughts and repeat a love mantra for you, your wife and your daughters. You could create your own mantra of love by connecting with all the wonderful love you've shown to each other in all these years. It would be like creating a positive energy tool to protect you when your mind decides to make you think that you what happened 12 years ago is still a valid reality in your life. It wasn't even then, it was just a stupid mistake, nothing more, she has always loved you totally - believe it because it's the truth and you know it, and your painful doubts will disappear.

It really is a question of self-control and training your willpower, learning to discriminate between what's real and valid about your love relationship and what isn't, when your mind wants you to fail to do that. Acquiring a personal strategy would help you recognise this part of you that tries to sabotage your happiness (which we all have) confront it inteligently and overcome it.

[remorseful]

My advise is to allow the past be the past... you will never know what happened that night... if it helps you to get closure then accept that the worse you can imagine happened... will that change anything now? Lets assume she made a mistake (huge one if you want), will that be enough for you to stop loving her like you do and to stop needing her in your life to be happy?
Maybe you are right and you should have stopped the relationship in 2001 but you didn't and now you don't have any moral ground to keep chasing her about something that may or may have not happened 12 years ago. You need to stop this, you are hurting yourself and hurting your wife and putting the well being of you children in danger just because your jealousy! You decided to take her back in 2001... so man up and accept your own decisions or you will be alone and regretting your lose sooner than you expect!

[Rustyram]

Thanks for the replies everyone! It really helps a lot as I work though my head issues!

[bluesummer]

I could understand you being a lot more upset about this if:
A) You were already married when this happened
B) It was more recent than 12 years ago
C) She had full on consensual sex with this guy
It sounds to me like she just got into a situation that got out of hand really quickly and she stopped it AND she told you about it. Maybe not right away, but given the fact you'd shown yourself to have some jealousy issues she probably knew you'd blow it out of proportion. And wow, have you EVER. You haven't forgiven her after 12 years, marriage, two kids and a happy married life with lots of sex (with each other)?!? It's a wonder she's still around! Count your blessings. It's time to let go. She was young and something dumb happened.......and let's face it you actually attempted to cheat on her (way worse) and she's not lording it over YOU.

LET. IT. GO.