Advice needed after break up

[Benches]

Hi guys,

I have just joined as I am currently at my lowest point and am very lonely.

Brief background so apologies for the length of it.

Was with my ex since 2003. Got married in June 2009 and separated in Nov 2010. Reason was that we felt we'd drifted apart but there were other circumstances (namely lack of money causing pressure especially since our son was born in 2007).

From Feb 2011 we agreed to try again, and as she had moved to a flat 20 mins away, we agreed to be together and i'd stay in the house while we tried selling it. It was on the market til April 2012 when I decided to rent it out and move into her flat. She lived in a rented flat which from the moment i moved in, hated. Purely because i guess i knew it wasnt ours. We decided to look for a mortgage to buy somewhere else. We couldnt get a mortgage so we were stuck in the flat for the time being. She didnt want to move back to our house as she hated the area and also our little boy had been accepted to a very good school local to her.

This had an adverse affect on me and i said i wasnt happy purely because i didnt feel comfortable in the flat. Anyway, we called it a day in August last year. However, this was not due to me not wanting her. Subsequently she told me she'd fallen out of love with me.

So i moved back to my parents house until April this year when my tenants were able to be moved on.

However, in January, my mates kept on at me about online dating so to shut them up i reluctantly went onto a dating site half heartedly. The ex saw me on there and said it was a kick in the teeth, but understood why i was on there. So she had registered on the same site. I explained that i really werent interested in dating and i took my profile off after a few days because i wasnt ready.

Since January, the ex has been with 3 or 4 different men and i've been so unhappy because i'm still in love with her. The fact that she was ready to date less than 6 months after we'd split after 10 years together cut deep. The first 3 blokes got what they wanted out of her by the looks of it, and they moved onto their next conquest.

She has been seeing some guy for the past two months and i really am so unhappy. I've told her that i still love her and want her back but it seems as though she has no feelings for me any more.

I guess living in this house doesn't help with all its memories but what hurts the most is that she seems to have happily moved on and is ok being with someone else. It's been a year and i am not ready to date at all. The thought of being with another woman really doesnt appeal and whilst my friends say time is a great healer, it doesnt seem to be working. I admittedly have been on a couple of dates with attractive and nice women but as soon as i get on the date, i just don't feel comfortable.

I keep walking out of work with a slight hope of her being outside the office saying she wants me back. I know im being an idiot.

Friday's kill me. While i know i'm seeing my son and he's spending the night, i know she is dropping him off and then seeing her new man. This makes me feel sick.

I know she is entitled to a life and to move on, but the way i feel at the moment, im not sure how much more i cant take. I have no get up and go, i just want to be alone. I know i took her for granted at times, but she is my soulmate.

I really am at the lowest point of my life. I have tried to go out with friends etc as they have advised but i just want to be at home so i end up leaving early.

I spoke with her dad a couple of weeks back and he even said he wished we were together. I told him she is my wife and i'd do anything to have her back and he just said "f*cking right".

Any advice guys? Even went to a psychic who said i'd meet someone, and the ex would come back and i'd have to make a choice. But let's face it, that's not going to happen.

I know i sound foolish but i am really struggling with life.

Sorry for the length of this post

[TheRaven]

ohhhhh dude. I'll give you a quick quick synopsis of what i VERY recently..like 50 odd days ago went thru...and i'm pretty much on my way to recovering.
I dont like revealing myself too much...so long story short. Was with a girl for 16 years...6 years ago she had kidney failure...I took care of her financially and emotionally while putting my career on absolute hold. We got engaged 4 years ago and 2 years ago i started studying for a major exam...to get a significant salary bump...i figured her being sick..we'd need the $. Anyhow..she got the transplant...last Dec and in july dumped my butt..saying that "we have grown apart" ..well no shit..i ws studying my ass off to provide us a better future. anyhow..whats gonna happen is that i'm gonna end up failing this upcoming test and will have to retake.

So now..the first 40 or so days i spent in a drunk vodka induced coma.....what got me out of it was...
1) Burying myself in my work....i've been studying like a mad man...putting in 12 to 15 hours daily...find something that engrosses you and get yourself addicted to it
2) DONT DRINK....its a depressant and makes matters only worse.
3) Get a tan...dress up...look good...go out to a coffe shopee or a bar if thats more your thing...and get a few girls to smile at ya..you know..THAT smile..you dont even have to talk to them...just make sure you bring your A fcking game ..and women are suckers for good looking dudes.....dont get a number..dont talk...just get a few good looking women to give you a few nice smiles...
4) i'll say it again....find work that interests you...and bury yourself in it...this is the BEST time to UP your career...
5) Take a vacation...just 5 days...go someplace..you dont know anyone...and just be AWAY from that area.


I really hope I helped dude..because I KNOW it ****ING SUCKS....but dont GO out and look for who she is dating (in your mind..getting ****ed by..right? )...DONT DO THAT TO YOURSELF.....

and it sounds like a cliche but...this last bit..you cant do anything about...time...you'll get better mate...

MOVE ON...and NEVER TAKE HER BACK....besides..women dont respond well to ..well ...saps..they want MEN...

I promise you...as long as you find something that will keep your head down and buzy.....you'll heal quicker


my 2 cents


R

[Benches]

Thank you Raven.

I appreciate your reply. It's been over a year but it isn't getting any easier. The fact that we went from speaking everyday to nothing is hard to take. The fact that she was online dating after 5 months hurts as it seems that the 10 years were easy to move on from. I know she is moving on but i am stuck in this dark place. I have no energy, I barely sleep, every day I wish she were with me.

And on Fridays when she drops our son off, I know she is off to see Mr Fantastic. That hurts.

I try being polite and civil but I don't want her to think that I'm ok that she has moved on. What also hurts is that I was close with her sister, her aunty and her cousins who used to talk to me all the time. Now, nothing.

Not sure how much more pain I can take.

[waltereed]

Hang in there Benches. The Raven is right on target! Do everything he says and you will be a better man for it. I am a jealous guy and don't know quite how I would handle the fact that your wife was with other men. In my case the thought that my recent ex girlfriend is possibly looking for another man just makes me want to forget about her more. I want someone who has integrity and loyalty, not someone who is happy to sleep around. Time should heal all wounds but in your case you might want to talk to a counselor and get some one on one therapy. Life's too short for grief. good luck mate.

[Boisdevie]

The OP sounds depressed. I'd go and see a doctor if I were him. Feeling low is understandable but that low tells me it's depression induced by his current circumstances - reactive depression.

[ryann87]

As someone who's dealt with a some what similar feeling a few years back (was with a girl for 2 years and she cheated on me with the guy who was going to be my roommate in 2 weeks) and I've dealt with anxiety and depression. Please don't go see a doctor and take any meds. All of this can be dealt with by soul searching, occupying yourself with things that make you happy, taking the appropriate steps to move on, and believe it or not a good diet, a couple of good vitamins and some good workout help more than you can ever imagine. There is no way to stop the feelings your having immediately. These things take time to get over. I promise you though that if you keep a positive mind and get out and live your life, it will pass and you'll be fine. Nothing feels better than beating a problem on your own and on your own terms. If she decides she wants to try again, take your time and think it through. It could work out and be great, but all the things happening now could also happen again. Be strong and be smart man. Think things through, weigh pros and con's, and make the choice that bests suits you.