Is this relationship over?

[RachelViolet]

My boyfriend invited me to his friend’s birthday party last Saturday. I was really nervous because I didn’t know anyone, so I drank too much beer to quickly and I got really drunk. I walked out into the parking lot by myself and I threw up on the pavement. My boyfriend came outside to keep me company and I just started acting like a drunken fool. I asked him if he loved me (we have been dating for 6 months) and he said, “No, I don’t. I have some feelings, but they’re complicated”. This made me very emotional and I started crying and acting kinda nuts. We sat in my car and talked until 11pm. He didn’t even go inside to hang out with his friends. We got a hotel room that night (we’re in a long distance relationship and he lives with his parents, so every time we see each other, we get a room). We had sex that night and the following morning. It seemed like we had made up. However, I drove home on Sunday and he has not contacted me at all this week (which is unusual, because we talk every day, usually). I tried calling him twice last night after work and he did not answer my calls. He also did not call me back, which is what he usually does after he misses my calls. I sent him this message on facebook today and he read it but he did not respond to it:

“I tried calling you and it seems that you have been ignoring my calls. I’m sure you have a reason for doing that. I couldn’t give a sincere enough apology for my drunken behavior on Saturday. I’m also sorry that I put you on the spot by asking you about love, ect. I would not have asked that question or said most of what I said if I were sober. If you don’t love me, that’s okay. The truth is, I do have genuine feelings for you, even though I have tried to stay guarded around you to avoid getting hurt. A lot of things aren’t easy for me when I’m under so much stress all the time. I’m sorry for letting that complicate our relationship. I know that it did. I realize that I need to find healthy ways to manage my stress and I am going to do that.”

We are still “friends” on facebook and “in a relationship” on facebook. I’m wondering what’s going on.

[Valixy]

Let's recapitulate things, Rachel, because it seems that you're beginning to miss this guy and losing the correct healthy perspective on things. He told that he didn't love you and then spoke about how much he loved his ex. This is one way to make sure you'll feel uncomfortable with their relationship in the future, since they have a child together - he's either totally clueless or he cared very little. Then he didn't call to make sure you got home all right after driving 100 miles and hasn't contacted you all week.

You should have better sent the break-up letter instead of the message you posted, don't you think? Rachel, you can't be apologetic when a man rejects you like that. It's terribly unfair to you. You deserve more love and respect from yourself and what he really deserved was the silent treatment some LF members recommended to you.

You need to make an effort and start seeing this relationship realistically: being a long distance relationship has never really fulfilled you needs, this guy doesn't love you and is ignoring you. It hurts, I'm sure, but you should try to accept the truth and move on as quickly as you can. Do not contact him again in any way. Do not humiliate yourself anymore. You do not need a guy who doesn't love you and nobody does.

[RachelViolet]

Valixy, we left the hotel on Sunday morning. He opened my car door for me, he kissed me, and he said, "text me when you get home. I want to make sure that you get there safely". I texted him when I got home. I said, "Just got home" and he responded by saying, "Glad you made it". Then there was no contact all week. I tried calling him twice on Wednesday and he did not answer or call me back. Also, on his facebook page, I saw that he went out to bars with a groups of women Wednesday night who are from his Brazilian martial arts class (pictures of this were posted on his facebook page). I told myself that this was innocent behavior and these girls are just friends....I put some serious thought into breaking up with him, which is why I wrote the letter. I am starting to miss him though and I am second-guessing myself. Can you see how he is giving me mixed messages? I wish he would be more direct and tell me whether or not it's over....

[Valixy]

Speaking of mixed messages, I think there's a general tendency to describe love relationships worse than they are at the critical moment when problems may appear and better than they really are when one is second guessing himself.

Obviously there is much more to a relationship than what can be told in a post, especially the feeling of the relationship that can't be explained and only felt by those who are involved, but from what you wrote, I personally don't see why you think that he is sending you mixed messages. Men are known to be able to enjoy spending time and being intimate with women without loving them. That doesn't mean that they don't have any feelings for them or that they will treat them terribly. This is not a love you or hate you thing, they can still be pleasant but they won't go over the top. They will just give enough to keep the relationship going as it is.

I think that you've fallen in love with him but unfortunately he hasn't. Maybe you've been able to perceive this until now and this could be in part the reason why you've experienced some insecurity but now that you know the truth, you won't be able to avoid the impact this will have on you. Unless his behaviour will improve a lot, your doubts will probably become more and more painful and the distance will make everything even more difficult. Sorry if I can't be of much help. Good luck.

[namemyname]

You posted this same issue a few days ago.

Responses won't change, and reposting the same question repeatedly (third thread on this??) is insulting to people who bother to respond at all, as it sends the message you don't like the advice you've received.

[basilandthyme]

I assume you didn't send the Dear John letter?

[TablesandChairs]

Alcohol can bring emotions to the surface - you may have been drunk, but I think your reactions came from a truthful place. He is stringing you along - why no contact all week, otherwise? Because you got a bit drunk and asked him some tough questions? Big deal. He was more than capable of having sex with you twice the last time you saw each other, so why not a text message or phone call?

You talk about mixed messages but it's clearer than you think, you're just in denial. Cut contact - explain you cannot be strung along like some second rate consolation prize and that you need to detach in order to heal and move on as his feelings are clearly not progressing.

[RachelViolet]

Namemyname, I can see how you might feel that way since I have written three posts about my relationship. I have appreciated all of the feedback that I have received from others in this forum and I do value their advice. I am just stuck at a crossroads with mixed feelings and I am still trying to decide what to do. Each post is different. The latest post is regarding the silent treatment that I am receiving right now. I am in a lot of pain and I wanted more feedback on this. I'm not sure that I can make you understand how this situation is affecting me, but I don't have very much support right now and this forum is really helping me feel better.

[RachelViolet]

Basilandthyme, I haven't sent the breakup letter yet. My feelings are really conflicted right now and I find that I went from feeling angry and hurt when he said that he did love me to sad and lonely when he ignored my contact attempts. I'm starting to realize that I have more feelings for him than I thought that I did, even though the relationship was far from great. It's really causing me a lot of pain right now and I need to find a way to either fix this or move on.

[RachelViolet]

Tablesandchairs, This is the message that I sent him this morning:

I’m seeing that you’re reading these messages that I’m sending you and you’re not responding. If there is one thing that I have learned from you, it’s that communication is the right way to handle things rather than avoiding a situation. When we talked Saturday night, you said something like, “If I didn’t care about this relationship, I wouldn’t be here. I am willing to put in effort, pay attention and work through things with you. If this doesn’t work out, I hope that we could at least stay friends”. If you really meant that, please talk to me. You said that you’re my friend, you have feelings for me, and you care about me. The last time that we saw each other, we had sex, we kissed in the morning before I left and things didn’t seem as bad as they apparently are. If you need space, fine. If you just want nothing more to do with me, fine. I will respect your wishes. It would be nice if we could at least talk to each other for closure. The ball is in your court and I won’t try to contact you again. If you want to talk, you have my number and you know how to reach me.

I didn't want to accuse him of anything or write about my feelings (if he doesn't care about my feelings, why bother telling him). He ignored the message and he did not read it. I won't contact him again and I deleted his number from my phone. I'm just going to ride this out and see what happens.

[HDBadger]

Judging from what you just posted, I think you already have all the answers you need.

[Valixy]

Don't worry about us, the LF members, Rachel. You are heartbroken at the moment and it usually takes much more than a a few wise advice in order to understand correctly the problems in a love relationship, the attitude you should have and to start putting it into practise and we all know that. Most people don't get over their ex-es after two or three sessions with their psychologists. If it helps you to talk about it, then talk. Naturally people could stop being receptive at some point, but you could look for support in your friends, family, a different relationship forum or a psychologist that could dedicate you all time you needed in order to start moving on. This being said, I hope you'll feel better soon. He has a complicated personal situation, lives far from you and doesn't feel for you the same you feel for him. He wasn't a good choice and maybe you should learn from this relationship and next time choose someone with less problems in his life, living closer to you and while there is never a guarantee, there will definitely be more possibilities to offer you a happy and fulfilling love relationship.