Love Trouble

[sweet05]

Hi I meet this guy via eharmony. We started talking in eharmony since july, but he seemed to have a busy schedule and we could spend weeks without hearing from each other. At the end of august we spoke on the phone, went so well that we decided to meet each other. First date was perfect, we clicked, nicest evening. We kissed and he was so happy. He is a divorced man with two children, had a tough marriage. We then saw each other both days in the weekend. We decided to close our eharmony and start dating seriously each other. It was great, we always have fun, never argue, just simple happy time, time I really treasure. He knows I have issues since most of the guys I dated didn't give me much time, they actually always had excuses to not seeing me, so he promised he wouldn't be that way.

He has been having trouble at work, extra hours, being cut out of projects, and he is just really stressed out. He has been telling me this all week. We had planned out this weekend together (since he doesn't have his kids). Well las night he called me told me he was just to stressed that it was too much at work, too much with the kids and the ex, and he didn't want to spoil things with me but that he couldn't give me the time I deserved. That this weekend he couldn't make it since on saturday now he has to work, and on sunday take his boy to a sport event. Told him I wanted to see him friday, he said that he was too depressed and miserable to see me. I then told him I supported him, but that he had to think about thinks, about us, if he still wanted us to date or if this was more stress for him. Called him last night didn't pick up, called me some minutes later, not really wanting to talk, telling me he was trying to figure out the schedule with his kids since the new work load was spoiling his weekends, told him goodnight. I slept so bad and sad. Texted him a simple goodmorning. Minutes later he texted me goodmorning, caling me babe, telling me thanks for the support I give him and saying he was sorry for not being very supportive about it. I didn't respond back, so he wrote random stuff he was doing, still didn't respond back, and he wrote why I was being so quiet. Minutes later I responded casually and just telling him random stuff of the day.

Do you think things are ok with us? I still feel unsure of everything. And he is such a nice guy, always treats me right, I really don't want to lose him.

Please give me some advice.

Thank you

[smackie9]

A question for you....are you willing to bend for this guy? Who knows how long this is going to continue or keep happening. Instead of thinking of your feelings, think about your expectations. If you both can't be a part of each other's lives and have a promising future together....you might want to stop and re-evaluate this relationship and see how it's not meeting your needs.

I'm guessing your past relationships have failed because you choose to stay or settle with guys even tho they don't fulfill your expectations, and you keep hoping or give them a chance to change. It's the wrong way to do things.


Communication is key. If you can't express your concerns with how things are, he is never going to know, and you will start to recent him needlessly. So step it up and talk to him about it, and what you expect out of a relationship. If you both can't come to a compromise, then stop wasting your time with him.

[smackie9]

Hell you have only been dating for what a couple of months? not worth the hassle.

[Agnus]

I think the guy is cheating on you. I bet you are not the only one whom he met on eharmony and he's not sure himself who is the best.

[amazinggrace]

Have a nice heart to heart with him. You both agreed to close your accounts and just date eachother. It is very possible that he is busy, stressed/depressed, but there is no excuse for his behavior with you when you only wanted to be there for him. It's just so hard to say because I don't know enough about you or how long he has been divorced. His family is still his family and I am pretty sure they will trump any new girlfriend. He may be a bit shy to jump into something somewhat serious too. Maybe just slow it down on your own? Let him call you and show you his interest. He already knows yours.

Remember this saying..."he who cares less, controls the relationship"
that is a mouthful right there...don't let his uncaring ways control how you feel, your sleep, your mood your happiness. There is no rush, right? Go have some fun with your other interests, and don't make him your only interest. You are worth it. Put yourself and your feelings first. Good luck!

[basilandthyme]

The reason you keep having the same problem with men is because you're ignoring the warning signs. Instead of cutting a guy loose, you're wasting time trying to fix things and discuss HIS wants and needs.

You've only been with this guy for 3 weeks and already he's too busy/stressed/tired for you. This situation doesn't require conversation and compromise - it needs you to say "I'm not getting my needs met - I will end it".

You say that he always treats you right. Hon, you're kidding yourself. Your first date was at the end of August and it's now 3 weeks later and he can't make time to see you. How on earth does this translate to "always treating you right"?

Just send him a text saying: "As you are too busy/stressed/depressed for a relationship I will be moving on. Good luck with your life"

[TablesandChairs]

Basil has given you great advice. History will repeat itself if you keep making the same mistakes. If he has no time to date (which is weird since he was on a paid dating site) or if his life is too complicated, cut him loose and go live your life. Don't worry about how much of a nice guy he is...truth is you don't know if he is or isn't after 2 dates. When people start making excuses so early in the game, it's time to reassess. Tell him you enjoyed your limited time together but since he seems too stressed/busy, it's best you move on. If you want, you can tell him to contact you when/if he has the time to get more serious about things.

[sweet05]

Hey Guys,

At the end he called me yesterday morning and told me he was sorry, and that he was going to pick me up for dinner. He came directly from work to my house, and just arriving he got called from work. Had to give him my desk, and he had to open his laptop and work while talking by the phone, for at least 45 mins. We then went to dinner everything went well, we talked about the conversation we had last night and he told me he was just telling me how stressed he was with all the new load of work and suddenly it became a conversation about us, that it wasn't meant to be that. Also told me that its not fair to me that he can't give me as much time as I and he wants. I haven't told you this before but we do see each other at least 3 times a week, on the weekends when he doesn't have the kids, and on the week I go and have dinner and sleep at his house at least one day.

[Agnus]

Hey Guys,

At the end he called me yesterday morning and told me he was sorry, and that he was going to pick me up for dinner. He came directly from work to my house, and just arriving he got called from work. Had to give him my desk, and he had to open his laptop and work while talking by the phone, for at least 45 mins. We then went to dinner everything went well, we talked about the conversation we had last night and he told me he was just telling me how stressed he was with all the new load of work and suddenly it became a conversation about us, that it wasn't meant to be that. Also told me that its not fair to me that he can't give me as much time as I and he wants. I haven't told you this before but we do see each other at least 3 times a week, on the weekends when he doesn't have the kids, and on the week I go and have dinner and sleep at his house at least one day.

It's a good news! I am happy that everything worked well for you.

[smackie9]

Now is that what you want out of a relationship where you have to work around his schedule? How long do you want to date like this? Would you be ok sharing living arrangements with his kids if you plan on living together?

[sweet05]

Now is that what you want out of a relationship where you have to work around his schedule? How long do you want to date like this? Would you be ok sharing living arrangements with his kids if you plan on living together?

Hi! When I started dating him I knew what I was getting into respect him being a dad, and that meaning less time for me. I am okey with it. One of my brothers is divorced with children, have seen his example, I help him with the kids, so I really know and understand my dates live. What I don't appreciate and don't know how much I can handle is this new stress at work. Since when we started dating we didn't had that issue and saw each other 3 or 4 times a week.

[smackie9]

Is this something that is temporary? Or is this something that is going to continue and or is occur repeatedly. You definitely have to bring this up with him.

Just a possibility that relationship neglect is one of the reasons why he is divorced.

[sweet05]

It's supposed to not be a definite thing he is even looking for a different job to get out of that stress.
I got kind of upset at him, he told me we couldn't hang out on saturday because he had tons of stuff to resolve, so I made plans with my friends. At the end he decided to go to an event, and ended up drinking so much that he left the phone lost in the restaurant. On sunday he told me we should hang out, and made dinner for me at his house. But told me I should go home (I usually sleep with him) since I had a big meeting at work today and he had to wake up way early and wasn't fair for me.

[sweet05]

I don't know if I expect to much, or if I am needy. My friends tell me I am, and that I should just let him be. I want someone that calls me more then for goodmorning and goodnight, I know I have to stop that.

[smackie9]

There is nothing wrong with wanting more. Everyone has different expectations, and none are negative, just may not be suitable for some, but is acceptable to others.

He knows how you feel, and he says he is making an effort to change this situation....so it's just a matter of patience. Just set a deadline....if you don't see any change say in a month, then this relationship isn't fulfilling your expectations. Then it would be time to re-evaluate the situation.

So in the mean time maybe by keeping yourself a little busier might help you not miss him so much.