GF pushing proposal

[dickriculous]

To those who think she has no dignity, do you believe it's OK for a woman to want to know what her partner's life plans are? Where does the line between her figuring out if they have matching timelines vs pushing for marriage get drawn?

In this case, the line is at the point where OP told his gf "I am not ready yet, I will propose when the time is right", a perfectly honest and valid answer, and she blows it off and keeps going "where's my ring?!"

OP also gave implications that she has issues with waiting (2 years down the road is a problem for her? Wtf?) which both exacerbates the existing can of worms and produces another one of it's own.

[smackie9]

This is the whole idea of him coming here....to hear what options he can take. Obviously he isn't going to kick her to the curb, so dumping her is not the answer he is looking for, even tho it makes sense to others that this would be the direction to take.

His option is to have a firm talk of what plans are going to take place ie: deadlines, expectations etc.

She can take what he has planned, and think it over. If she cannot accept it, then she can put forth her expectations, and then try to work out a compromise as mentioned from one of the posters.

If all options are exasperated, and they can't come to an agreement, then yes ending the relationship would be for the best.

The OP has some serious thinking to do.......so now we wait.

[BlueMoonSal]

To those who think she has no dignity, do you believe it's OK for a woman to want to know what her partner's life plans are? Where does the line between her figuring out if they have matching timelines vs pushing for marriage get drawn?

Where exactly is the dignity in nagging a man like that? Constantly reminding him of marriage and timelines? That's called begging. Shouldn't that talk be coming from the man himself too?

Men aren't as forgetful as we like to think they are. They will remember if it's something extremely important they want to do at that very same moment and are ready. I'm willing to bet if they would be the first to act on it right away, way before any nagging woman can open her mouth.

[Rowen]

Where exactly is the dignity in nagging a man like that? Constantly reminding him of marriage and timelines? That's called begging. Shouldn't that talk be coming from the man himself too?

Not necessarily does it mean she's "begging"... Honestly, it could just be her way of wanting to know if she has to alter her life or if she can stay with him. Sometimes, people aren't the best at confrontation and telling their partners straight out, "Hey, listen, I really adore you, but I'd like this relationship to be going somewhere. And if you're not going to discuss some sort of plan for us with me, I hate to do it, but I would have to leave. Life is too short." So, in turn, they think they're being subtle by dropping obvious hints as to what they want to discuss. She could be very confused like that and feel it's a lot nicer than being blunt telling the guy that you're not happy with where you're at right now.

Which would you rather have- someone who is direct to the point it can hurt you or soft, conveying what they want to discuss in a way that won't make you feel like shit?

As for the talk coming from him, he's not helping the situation by telling her "soon sometime." Communication needs to be clear, and "soon" is not the answer you want to hear if you're figuring out a timeline. "About two years or whenever we're financially stable" is a better answer because it gives a clear reason and a clear answer- doesn't beat around the bush.

Now, if the OP is still around, let me ask you this... When do you want to get married? And don't you DARE tell me "soon." You didn't answer the question in your post- you gave reasons that beat around the bush. Give a simple answer like "When I'm out of grad school in the next two years" or something. What's it going to be?

[BlueMoonSal]

Which would you rather have- someone who is direct to the point it can hurt you or soft, conveying what they want to discuss in a way that won't make you feel like shit?

I'd rather have someone who is straight to the point, even if it hurts.

I still see it as begging because imagine if the OP does finally proposes and a couple years down the road, friends and family asks the woman how did they get married? What good story is the woman going to tell him? ''Oh, I had to constantly drop hints and keep questioning him when it will happen. I definitely had to bring it or else he probably wouldn't have proposed, men are lazy in initiating things. They don't unless we remind them of''.

What kind of happy story would that be? Now compare that to this story:
So how did you guys get married, did you remind him?
''Not really, he surprised me and I didn't even see it coming but he knew from the start I wanted marriage one day. I didn't have to remind him.''

[smackie9]

It's obvious she brings it up because they haven't "properly" set firm goals and deadlines. Proper communication is lacking....maybe he has been nervous about approaching her on what he actually has planned.....fearing she might walk.

[BlueMoonSal]

It's obvious she brings it up because they haven't "properly" set firm goals and deadlines. Proper communication is lacking....maybe he has been nervous about approaching her on what he actually has planned.....fearing she might walk.

The responsible factor for this new practice of moving in while just dating and having no clear goals nor deadlines established. The OP's gf falls into the ''moving in = one step towards marriage'' category many women seem to get confused with. That only delays the process and many times there might not even be an engagement.

Nevertheless, I still think a proposal (if it happens) should be sincere and not only a woman's initiative. In order for this to happen, communication must be direct and straight forward in the beginning and go on from there. And lastly, I would suggest putting a stop to the cohabitation without any established time frame (don't move in just for the hell of it and because it will bring you security and closer to each other) at least or in my case, I only believe in cohabitation once engaged and with an exact date and place for the wedding as well as the invitations passed out.

[basilandthyme]

What kind of happy story would that be? Now compare that to this story:
So how did you guys get married, did you remind him?
''Not really, he surprised me and I didn't even see it coming but he knew from the start I wanted marriage one day. I didn't have to remind him.''

Now, see that's NOT what I'd want in a proposal. Actually, I wouldn't want a "proposal" because I don't like the idea of the man having more say in the timeline than the woman. I wouldn't like the bended knee thing or a ring presented in a box.

I'd much prefer a simple mutual discussion which could be raised by either party.

[basilandthyme]

It's obvious she brings it up because they haven't "properly" set firm goals and deadlines. Proper communication is lacking....maybe he has been nervous about approaching her on what he actually has planned.....fearing she might walk.

Very good point.

[HeartIsAching]

Now, see that's NOT what I'd want in a proposal. Actually, I wouldn't want a "proposal" because I don't like the idea of the man having more say in the timeline than the woman. I wouldn't like the bended knee thing or a ring presented in a box.

I'd much prefer a simple mutual discussion which could be raised by either party.

That's pretty much what my wife and I did. Originally I said "Why bother? We don't need a piece of paper giving us permission to be a couple." She said "What if something happens and one of us needs to get to the other and have legal authority?"

[basilandthyme]

It's also pretty much what me and my partner did. I raised the discussion with something like "hey, do you reckon we should get married". He said "yeah, OK".

Though after a weekend of disagreeing about what the wedding would be like, we decided not to bother. No sense in fighting over something where the result isn't particularly important to either of us. Our defacto relationship does have legal recognition, so there's no real need for marriage.

[BlueMoonSal]

Now, see that's NOT what I'd want in a proposal. Actually, I wouldn't want a "proposal" because I don't like the idea of the man having more say in the timeline than the woman. I wouldn't like the bended knee thing or a ring presented in a box.

I'd much prefer a simple mutual discussion which could be raised by either party.

Sure it's ok to have a discussion where the man isn't too hesitant with the topic and the woman doesn't sound too pushy but in the OP's thread, it sounds like only the woman wants marriage and he doesn't sound too interested or ready but she keeps pushing.

Pushing is what I would not do. I hate the idea of keep insisting for something to get what I want. I hate the idea of having to sound like smooth talking telemarketer with lots of rebuttals to get a man to propose. That would feel like he wouldn't do it on his own will (because he wants to not because I insisted and had to constantly remind him) and I would hate that the most.

That's just me. I would feel bad to remember getting proposed to in that manner.

[Rowen]

I agree with basil, smackie, and HIA. Honestly, it's your life in the end. You may very well have conflicting views on the necessity of marriage, and if that's the case, why would you want to be in a relationship where you believe you're one day going to get married while never knowing the other feels the exact opposite? Life is too damn short, Sal.

Not to mention, once they've planned out where they want their relationship to head, he can still be romantic and propose spontaneously. He's not giving an exact hour, day, etc...just a GENERALIZED time frame of things. Thus, she'll never truly know when he's going to pop the question unless she could read his mind (which is something I'd actually love to see).

[basilandthyme]

BlueMoon, I agree that she SOUNDS pushy and it's not a good look. But she may not be represented accurately...or she could be terribly frustrated because of his lack of clarity.

Having been in her shoes prior to my first marriage, I still have to give the benefit of doubt and wonder if she simply needs an open and honest discussion and a timeline.

For what it's worth, if I raised a mutual discussion of marriage (as I did with my now partner) and was countered with "I'll propose when I'm ready", I'd have no choice but to strongly reconsider the relationship. Him refusing to communicate his thoughts and plans is an enormous red flag and goes against so much which is important to me.

[smackie9]

We don't really know what was talked about at the beginning of their relationship....there may have been some expectations stipulated...but life is unpredictable. No one knows how things will turn out, because things come up like finances, death in the family or job change, relocating, etc.

For me I stipulated exactly what my expectations were when I met my husband...no kids, no marriage....he said no problem.