GF pushing proposal

[confused2207]

GeSo lately my gf of almost 2 years is making all kinds of references about "when am I getting a ring" "how long til we get married" etc. I told her she's impatient and that I would make it the right time for "us" and she says "or you... I just don't want to wait forever" I told her she wont but then says "oh it'll be at least 2 or 3 years" and I'm like no I'll propose before that and then she says well we wont get married before at least two years.

Finally I just said "I dont know what you want me to say." I love her and want to marry her but want it to be the right time. I'm still getting my masters and don't have a full time work position yet. I want to be self sufficient before I'm married. We're still young (early mid 20s) and idk what the rush is. Honestly this pressuring me is getting frustrating. I'm just trying to do whats best for us rather than making rash decisions.

I think another part of it is that she wants to have children sooner rather than later. Now don't get me wrong I want kids, but I want to be in the right situation for kids. Now, she recently got a full time salary and benefits position, somaybe it's "right" for her, but she's already talking about moving on from that job to a new one. Don't you want to be more settled than that when starting a family? And if I'm being totally honest here, I'd like to have a few years of marriage without kids first. Take some time, get established in jobs, and maybe travel and see the world with just she and I.

She talks about wanting to do some of this stuff, but let's that desire for a "ring" take precedent. I'm very frustrated.

[dickriculous]

I've only had one girlfriend who did this to me and I broke up with her because of it. What part of "I'm not ready, I'll propose to you if/when I am" is so hard to understand? I don't OWE anybody a marriage, nobody is ENTITLED to sucking a ring out of anyone else. How can someone who claims that she loves me enough to want to spend her life with me care so little about my needs and so blatantly disregard how self destructive it is for me to allow myself to be pushed into something like this without being ready?

Moreover, wtf kind of person even WANTS to get married if they know the only reason the other person proposed to her in the first place is because you pushed him into it?

What all of these things tell me is that she doesn't love me, she loves the idea and status of being married. In that situation, I am just a tool with which to carry it out.

And that instinct ended up hitting the nail on the head with this chick - last I heard she was doing everything she could to ruin this poor gullible fool in divorce court, trying to exploit alimony laws to suck him dry, etc.

Tread with extreme caution, that's all I can say. To me this chick is exposing colors that marriage material does not have. The biggest mistake you're making is promising an eventual proposal to her in the first place (and on top of that agreeing to a deadline....wtf bro?) - you're adding fuel to a fire that already has the potential to turn you into ashes.

[pcmaster]

Now shes pushing for a marriage but afterwards maybe mood all change and shes pushing for a divorce.

A real woman knows a real man always comes first.

Say you will propose her if she says no.

[BlueMoonSal]

Wow talk about desperation. I do want a future one day too but if I had to even be the first one to mention about the future or even nag once, I think there is no point in continuing the relationship. I believe men definitely know what they're getting themselves into when being in a long term relationship and then doing cohabitation. I don't think they're absent-minded as many of us long assumed. Actually now I'm thinking they can long read our minds more than we can read theirs. If a man is clueless about a woman wanting marriage after 2 yrs+ then he probably knows nothing about relationships or women, is playing dumb or is a future fakers purposely preying innocent girls (they do exist too). Nevertheless, even future fakers know what really many women want after years in a relationship. A man being clueless about this is like we not knowing what it means when a bf gets aroused.

In a man's mind, he probably wants to make it a real surprise at the best time. The bad news is with the nagging that surprise turns into pressure and he can then become super hesitant about it to the point of not wanting it anymore.

Do you two live together? I keep hearing about how cohabitation has become so common nowadays but IMO that's like doing it all backwards.

[confused2207]

.

In a man's mind, he probably wants to make it a real surprise at the best time. The bad news is with the nagging that surprise turns into pressure and he can then become super hesitant about it to the point of not wanting it anymore.

Do you two live together? I keep hearing about how cohabitation has become so common nowadays but IMO that's like doing it all backwards.

Yes, for all intents and purposes we live together.

And you basically hit the nail on the head with your second paragraph. I want to get married, but im still working on stabilizing myself financially, and the pressure is almost a sign that I am right to wait.

[BlueMoonSal]

Yes, for all intents and purposes we live together.

That's where all the nagging starts. Generally it's hard for most women to move in together with a bf and live for 4+ years with him without developing an a strong emotional bonding towards the relationship. Many times we might interpret moving in together as one step towards marriage and this is where many women mistaken that. Many relationships do cohabitation and they don't get engaged; it mainly happens for basically that same reason: the woman got attached quickly and suddenly wants marriage before he is even ready.

Personally, I wouldn't move in unless I was engaged and done with college.

And you basically hit the nail on the head with your second paragraph. I want to get married, but im still working on stabilizing myself financially, and the pressure is almost a sign that I am right to wait.

Since she's working, is she willing to help out with the bills? Is she also career-oriented? I'm currently in college and slightly more than half of my career (will finish it in 2015). I also want to for a Master's and honestly don't expect a man to do everything. Probably 50 years ago, the man had have a great job or college degree but it's already been a long while since we have that choice too so I don't see why they can't collaborate too and do something about it instead of just nagging like a child wanting candies.

[confused2207]

She is willing to help with bills etc. But I dont find it responsible by me to put that all on her until May when I graduate and can help. (hence my initial thinking the spring would be a good time...)

[basilandthyme]

She's asking "how long till we get married?" and you're getting upset by this?

Here's a novel idea; why don't you TALK with her and share your goals and timeline? Have a discussion about what you want and what she wants and find a way to come together in your plans.

I think you'll find that by simply communicating what your thoughts are, she will back right off.

[Rowen]

She's asking "how long till we get married?" and you're getting upset by this?

Here's a novel idea; why don't you TALK with her and share your goals and timeline? Have a discussion about what you want and what she wants and find a way to come together in your plans.

I think you'll find that by simply communicating what your thoughts are, she will back right off.

^ That's the approach I would take...but at the same time, I would try to compromise with her too if she still didn't get it. Make your reasons clear, and tell her that you love her and want to be with her. But also be firm by telling her you cannot deal with the amount of pressure this is putting on you...that you need her to understand that you only want the best for the two of you.

In the end, if you convey how you feel and all your thoughts surrounding this ordeal and she still doesn't get it...perhaps it's a good idea to take a breather. For both of you, it would help (only in the most drastic case) because she would have time to reflect on the situation, and you would have time to de-stress. You don't want to rush into anything.

[Alex34]

Marriage is also a certain type of covenant that many lifelong couples (straight and not) are no longer choosing. I have several female-male couples in my life who are explicitly committed to each other for life - and also explicitly have decided that marriage as an institution doesn't reflect their values or goals. The notion that a long-term relationship is moving toward marriage is quickly becoming an outdated one.

[SpreadTheLove]

Hello Gentlemen,

I am a woman who has been in a long-term relationship for 5 years with a guy who is saying the same things that confused2207 is saying. It is a good thing to do (since you are the man and want to provide for your future family and feel security yourself to wait until you are finished with school and have a job) thinking in a logical sense but I totally agree too with BlueMoonSal's comment that of course women are looking for marriage after being in a relationship longer than 2 years... In a stance for women, this is my perspective anyways, if we are investing our time with a man for the long-term, we want confirmation that that guy wants to be with us long-term as well, not just for a fee years and leave us when he is bored or finds another woman. Words are not enough, action ( i.e. proposing, giving a ring as a sign of commitment) is stronger than words of just saying " we will get married someday."

I don't know... we are all aware how the world is so fast-paced and things change, we women are afraid to loose you men sometimes I guess... that could be where the pushing from women come from into getting proposed, but I can see how from the man's perspective that does not look good. It looks like desperation, which it kind of is like how I just described. But it is not a bad thing. The girl just wants assurance that she will not loose you. I know getting proposed to and getting married does not ensure a life-long union together anymore like it meant in the past, but its that psychological confirmation and assurance we are looking for. But, be wary too like other guys said about women who just want the status that marriage brings or just bragging rights. Guess all I can say is you need to gauge your woman and listen to your instincts. None of us know your whole story. Just my two cents. ( I have a psychological background so this is where this is coming from, and personal experience so... hope it makes sense.) Hope that helps somewhat?

-Krystle
whatislove247.blogspot.com

[fearoflove]

It's marriage, not having kids. So, why are you worried about the financial issues? Marriage is an official statement of commitment. She is risking more than you are (from a financial perspective) considering she has a job and you don't (yet).

You can marry her and then when you both have a job, you can make plans to have kids?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Anyone who can't respect that you are not ready, not matter the reason(s), she is being selfish. Your girlfriend, in particular, is a selfish bitch. If she wasn't, she wouldn't refer to marriage in such a materialistic way. She doesn't want to marry you, she wants a ring. Next time she brings it up, tell her that her that constantly having this conversation makes you want to marry her less and less every time you have it. Tell her it makes you unsure about marrying her altogether.

You really should keep your focus on yourself until you are stable and comfortable with where you're at in life. Don't let her pestering distract you from what you want or pressure you into doing something you don't want. Personally, I'd have crushed this girl already...but I have a very low tolerance for repeating myself.

[BlueMoonSal]

Anyone who can't respect that you are not ready, not matter the reason(s), she is being selfish. Your girlfriend, in particular, is a selfish bitch. If she wasn't, she wouldn't refer to marriage in such a materialistic way. She doesn't want to marry you, she wants a ring. Next time she brings it up, tell her that her that constantly having this conversation makes you want to marry her less and less every time you have it. Tell her it makes you unsure about marrying her altogether.

You really should keep your focus on yourself until you are stable and comfortable with where you're at in life. Don't let her pestering distract you from what you want or pressure you into doing something you don't want. Personally, I'd have crushed this girl already.

That's why I'm against cohabiting (and always have been) just for the hell of it with no real purpose and then finding out the guy isn't on my same page or we not having the same goals, plans, etc.

[HeartIsAching]

Dude... DO NOT propose because it's the next logical step.

JUST ****ING DON'T.

Propose ONLY because she's the one-and-only. If not... break up with her and move on.